Monday, October 04, 2004

Meet Ryan

Let me describe to you, a person that Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I went to high school with. His name is Ryan. Ryan was the product of an obese, Jabba-the-hut of a mother, and one pussy of a dad. Well, for the longest time none of us really knew him. He’d just walk around campus, this goofy ass over weight guy wearing sandals [Yes sandals]. One day at lunch, Leaf spots him. This is how our conversation went.

Leaf “Isn’t that the webbed-feet motherfucker?”
Diljner “What’chu talking bout’ Leaf?
Leaf “Yeah, go ask him. He’s got webbed feet”
Diljner “I’ve never seen webbed feet before.”
Leaf “He wore fucking sandals all last year”
Diljner “Sandals? With webbed feet?”

[Laughing ensues]

So, we walk over to him. He sees us and gets this scared look on his face like we’re going to roll his fat ass.

Diljner “Hey, how are you doing? My names Diljner.
Leaf “My names not important.”
Ryan [In this first sentence, he speaks like a stuck-up older woman… very gay] Hello *raises eye-brow* I’m Ryan.”
Diljner [Holds back laughter]
Leaf “Hey, you have webbed feet right?”
Diljner [Fucking loses it] “HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Oddly enough, our query doesn’t offend him. The motherfucker actually takes off his sweaty ass shoe. [No socks by the way] He then presents to us, his foot.

Fearing the worst, I turned my head and winced. Then I hear Leaf doing his chuckle-laugh. I look down, and there it is, just as Leaf had promised. The fucker had webbed feet. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t even describe what I saw.

Leaf and I decided that this was in fact, the coolest mother-fucker we’ve ever met. We had lunch with him every day after that. He entertained the hell out of us. There are plenty of Ryan stories on the way. The only downside of hanging with Ryan was that he seemed to attract a lot of gay guys over to our area.

[Look forward to my next entry titled “Ryan assaults emo-fag with a tater-tot”]


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