Monday, November 08, 2004

Diljner's Halloween Story

Well, I finally found some time to write a new post. This is a story about my Halloween. By the end of this story, any nagging assumptions of me being an idiot will be confirmed.

It’s the day before Halloween, and we’re all excited. My girlfriend, we’ll call her Ms. Sarcasm, was returning from her vacation on Halloween. Arrhythmia and I are making all these kick ass plans of blowing shit up and robbing small children. We were like giddy little school girls. Our plans were to include Leafblower, Arrhythmia, Ms. Sarcasm, and myself all hanging out and doing the aforementioned. Halloween rolls around and due to disagreements between Arrhythmia and Sarcasm, our plans go horribly awry. But Sarcasm and I decide to just have a quiet night alone at my house watching scary movies and eating pizza. Arrhythmia and Leaf had a plan B as it seemed. So I went and picked up Sarcasm and we watched movies, and the night was slow but I was enjoying her company. Just as things are going fine, BOOM Arrhythmia and Leaf bust through my front door and head straight for the pizza. The night just got interesting. Leaf was dressed up as a badass cowboy. He had the hat, funny ass tight pants, boots and this pimp ass fucking belt buckle with a skull on it. That shit even came with a lighter and a bottle opener. He walks into my den and I’m laughing my fucking ass off. Here’s our conversation…

Diljner “I like your costume [Leaf], are you gay for Halloween?”
Leaf “Costume? This isn’t a fucking costume.”
Arrhythmia “HAHAHA.”

Well, there we are laughing, eating more pizza, having a great time. Sarcasm notices that Arrhythmia is wearing eye make-up. That was basically his costume. So she looks at me and asks if she can put make-up on me. At first this kind of disturbs me, but I decide ‘What the hell?’ So she puts make-up on me. Lipstick, eyeliner, the whole she-bang. I go take a gander in the mirror and to my great surprise, I look fucking pretty. Well anyways, Arrhythmia decides to part ways with us. As he is leaving I also notice that it’s getting a bit late and decide it’s time to take Sarcasm and Leaf home. This is where the story gets all sucky for Dilj-man.

We all hop in my car, and start to head to Leaf and Sarcasm’s part of town. All of a sudden Sarcasm says, “[Diljner] don’t we need gas?” I look at the gas gauge and I indeed do need gas. So we pull into the near-by 7/11. Now remember, I still look like a French whore, and we’re heading into public. Leaf and I get out and start to enter the 7/11. Sarcasm calls out from the car. “[Diljner], throw me the keys, I need to get my costume wings out of your trunk!” So I get the keys out of my pocket and I throw them. The next 5 seconds were slow motion for me. I watch as my car-keys sail up…. Up …. Up…and right on top of the fucking 20 foot high awning over the gas pumps. My stomach sinks, and my heart moves into my throat. I drop to my knees and start screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!” Just then I notice one of the Arabian 7/11 workers outside with a broom. Our conversation went something like this…

Diljner “Hey you! Hey! Do you have a fucking ladder? Hey Arabian guy! I’m fucking talking to you!
Arabian guy “My bro, no, uh…. No ladder! No ladder!
Diljner “FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! I just threw my fucking car keys up there!”

There I am, looking like a very ugly woman with sideburns. Screaming at a Saudi-Arabian convenience store worker.

At this point I’m just a whirl-wind of obscenities. A by-stander who saw the whole ordeal walks up to me and says, “Dude, you’re an idiot.” I look at him like ‘Thanks asshole, tell me something I don’t know.’ He then says, “But, I’m an idiot too, where do you live? I’ll give you a ride.” Wow, fucking saved. Thank you God! We walk over to his shitty ass beat up car. I think it was a Gremlin or some shit. Piss yellow with green primer all over it. But you know what? It was a vehicle and it was going to save us. At this point I’m so happy, he’s adjusting the back seat for us to sit in. We ask his name, he tells us that he is TJ. Well TJ you’re a fucking life saver. I walk around to the back of his car for some reason and apparently miss the following. Leafblower and Sarcasm are standing near TJ and he pulls out this big ass fucking hunting knife with an 8 inch blade. From this point on Sarcasm is fearing for her life, Leaf, on the other hand, isn’t really bothered by this. Here is their conversation from what they told me.

Leaf “TJ, your not gonna kill us are you bro?
TJ “Um… No, well, here I’ll put the knife in the back seat.
Sarcasm [Holding back from screaming]

He then puts the knife away right as I walk back. I say, “TJ, bro you rock man, we’d have had to walk all the way home and all the way back to the gas station. He smiles at me and I think that this TJ is quite the admirable fellow. Sarcasm runs up and starts hugging me. I look down and she reaches up to whisper in my ear… “[Diljner] this isn’t a good idea, I don’t feel safe getting in the car with this TJ guy.” I laugh and tell her how cute she is when she’s worried. [God I’m a prick] Keep in mind now that I have no clue that TJ has a knife that could kill a rhino. So I say “Get in Sarcasm.” And proceed to help her into the back seat of TJ’s ride. While in the car TJ tells us a story about a similar time he gave some folks a ride. Here is his story as he told it…

Dudes, this one time… I gave these fucks a ride. It was me and my brother and we picked them up and my brother sat in the back seat between the two of them. They looked fucking scary but my brother was carrying a double sided shank so he could stab them if they got squirly.

There was this silence for about a minute… then Leaf starts laughing his ass off. Sarcasm and I are a bit unnerved by TJ’s story. I live in a gated community so we have a code to get in the front gates. TJ asks me the code, and like a dumbass, I tell him it… He drives me right to my front door. We get out and bid him a fond farewell. We all agree that TJ is indeed, a fucking psycho. I run in and get my extra set of keys. Leaf and I have to walk back to the gas station, so we leave Sarcasm in my room and head out. The gas station is about 2 miles from my house, not the longest walk but it was fucking freezing. We finally arrive at my car, buy gas and coffee and leave to pick sarcasm back up. I was supposed to have Ms. Sarcasm home by 11:45… It was now almost 1:00. When we arrive at her house I have to explain to her mother the whole ordeal. I still don’t think she believes me yet. After dropping them off, I start to head home. There’s no traffic, and I have some time to reflect on what transpired this night. I then realize, “OH SHIT, fucking psycho TJ knows where I live. He knows my gate combination… He knows where my fucking car keys are!!! FUCK! I’m Fucking DEAD!” I didn’t sleep well that night. Every noise I heard I had to investigate and make sure it wasn’t that fucker TJ and his knife.
*It is confirmed… Diljner is an idiot*


Blogger Arrhythmia said...

*ahem*...a 'fuck-ing' idiot...

11:05 AM  
Blogger BloodDrain said...'s ok, I'd be pretty fucking scared if that happened to me. Damn psycho!

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcasm here..

Wow sweetheart... I guess I am pretty cute when I'm fearing for my life, huh? ;-)

That night was pretty fun, before and after Dan arrived. It is confirmed, my mom believes you now. We never have a normal day, but it makes it twice as fun.


10:22 PM  

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