Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Diljner Ruins LittleBastard's Week

Ah, another story from Diljner’s office. This little tale takes place about a work-week ago. I’m not having a very good day. My head hurts, back is aching, and I’m stuck smack dab in the middle of a pre-construction meeting between some clients of ours and our field superintendent. As if the meeting taking place wasn’t stressful enough, the people decide that it’s the best fucking idea in the world to bring their 7 year old child along with them. This little bastard is horrible. He’s always running around and banging on the piano when I tell him not to, and opening the employee refrigerator and drinking my Cokes. So you can imagine the joy in my heart when I see his little pig face. Well, the meeting is dragging on, and I decide that my presence is not further required in that section of the house, so I take my leave. The little shit is running around the house, jumping on furniture and banging on the piano. I politely ask him to stop being a little fuck. He seems to actually acknowledge me for once. He sits down and I put on Pirates of the Caribbean for him to watch. I then go out into my office and sigh when I see the amount of paper work that has stacked up over the past week. I decide to put it off for a bit longer… [I’m a slacker] Anyways, I walk back into the house and notice that LittleBastard isn’t where I left him. I look around for him for a few minutes. I find him eyeballing the keypad for our security system like an obese woman lusting after chocolate pie. I wanted to throw up. I knew the little bastard was going to mess with it. There was really nothing he could push to fuck anything up, but just the fact that he wanted to do this out of spite for me, made me realize that he must be taught a lesson. So I kind of keep myself hidden behind a corner, waiting for him to mess with the keys. His parents and our superintendent are on the opposite end of the house, so this is the perfect time for me to strike. Boo-ya! I start to hear little beeps and boops… I walk out from where I was waiting and he jumps behind the couch as if to hide from me. I pretend not to notice him. He must be really fucking stupid because he actually believes that he is hidden. Even if he was hidden… my sense of smell would uncover him because this kid fucking smells. I run up to the keypad with a generally panicked look on my face. Here’s what went down.

Diljner “Oh god, somebody has entered the self destruct code! The whole house is going to explode. OH! Who could have done this?!”

LittleBastard comes out from his ‘Hiding Place’ and is very noticeably scared.

Diljner “Did you push the buttons?”
LittleBastard “Yes, it was an accident though, I walked by and my elbow hit it.”

What a little shit face, trying to lie to me. I wanted to thump this kid in the head.

Diljner “You’ve entered the self destruct code, I can’t stop it… You’d better run.”
LittleBastard “Your just messing with me.”

At this point he’s almost pissing his pants.

Diljner “Whatever, I’m getting the hell out of here before it blows up.”

I run out the back door and hear him start bawling. I almost felt bad for him… almost. I peek in through the window and he’s standing in the same spot crying his eyes out. What if I was telling the fucking truth? He’d be dead. My earlier assumptions of this kid being a moron were now confirmed. So, with a satisfied grin on my face, I enter the side door of my office and sit down to a hefty stack of paperwork. YAY! About ten minutes into me actually working, LittleBastard’s parents walk into my office and the mom is holding his hand. His face is all red from crying. Here’s the convo…

BitchyMom “[Diljner] what did you tell our son?”
Diljner “Ma’am?”
BitchyMom “He said that you told him that the house was going to explode with us all in it.”
Diljner “Is this true [LittleBastard]?”
LittleBastard “You did!”
Diljner [With a confused look on my face.] “Ma’am, I’ve been in here doing paperwork since I left the meeting.

BitchyMom whispers something to her husband and he takes LittleBastard out of my office. BitchyMom stays.

BitchyMom “I’m sorry [Diljner], He does this a lot. We just had to make sure though, you know? We recently found out that he has Attention Deficit Disorder and he’s been getting in trouble at school. He’ll be grounded for a week though, we told him if he got in trouble one more time that’d be his punishment.”

Oh fuck. I had just ruined this poor kid’s fucking week. At this point I started feeling like shit. I even tried to get him off the hook. I told her that I used to make up stories all the time and that he’s just being a kid. She wouldn’t budge. I felt so bad for this little guy. But hey, he kept dicking around with me so he had to be taught a lesson. Moral of the story, Don’t be a LittleBastard.

*sighs* I'm going to hell.

*note… I actually wrote this 2 hours after it happened, it had a lot more detail. When I tried to post it, it gave me an error and then wouldn’t let me return to the page in which I had typed it. So, fuck me, it was erased. So, I had to rewrite.


Blogger Arrhythmia said...

That's why you fucking copy and paste before you fucking do that cause Blogger fucks up a lot...a lot

1:22 PM  
Blogger mexicanablanca said...

i've done that a lot to my little sisters... and you know what... i've never felt remorse for it... they do deserve it... hehe

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've heard this story like three times from you and it never seems to get old. I'd have given anything to see the look on this kids face... *sigh of content* There's nothing like messing with the emotions of a child and making them cry.


11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcasm: Hotter than Hot here...

I also don't understand why you felt bad afterwards... you seem to want to smite this kid with the power of God, haha.

^^That post was me, too.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You Pussy, You Felt Bad For That Asshole.

- Leaf Blower

7:10 PM  

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