Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Holy Shit A New Post

Wow, as I'm sure alot of you have noticed; we haven't had an update to the Leafblower Blog since December. I now have a bit of time to start writing posts again and I have a bit of 'The Trip' material I haven't thrown at you fucks yet. Well anyways, this is the story I have to post out of spite for my A-hole sister. It's not that I hate her or anything, it's just that I loathe her. She's become so clichè lately with her internet going's on and such. Don't get me wrong, I love my computer. I love the internet. I love playing World of Warcraft/Counter-Strike: Source. I love IM'ing my friends. But my sister [We'll call her E-ho] has taken it to a new low. She never goes out.... anywhere. When family comes to visit all she does is sit in her room in the dark typing to crater faced little highschool fags who talk about self mutilation and how bad god hates them all day. She walks around with a scowl on her face all day like life is so fucking hard for her... "DAMN BITCH!!! YOU GET THREE MEALS A FUCKING DAY!!!! YOU GET ANY/EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SCOWLING ABOUT??!!!" Well anyways, you've got a pretty basic impression of her personality thus far. The story begins....

I have two sisters... one of them is extremely cool. Nothing ever bothers her, and if it does she'd sooner punch you in the nipple than bitch and whine about it. [We'll call her Fluff] Fluff seems to implement the word 'nigga' into every conversation she has. It surprises me if she ends a sentence without the dreaded N word. Now, since E-ho and Fluff have such different personalities... They do not get along, at all. Fluff could kick E-ho's ass in a split second even though she's 3 years younger. She's 8 times meaner. So it never usually results in violence.

I'm at work the other day, just reading a magazine in my office when I get a phone call informing me that Fluff is going to come spend the weekend. "Tits!", I exclaim. I was pretty excited because Fluff and I always get some sick Counterstrike pwnage going. Well, I go to pick her up and when I arrive, she almost didn't get to come over because my Mother's husband likes to think he's Mr. Man of the house and shit. I almost pwned him this one day, but thats another story. Anyways, Fluff almost didn't get to come over at the last minute because she got in a fight with my Mom's Husband and called him a 'Niggar-Fluff'. She called the man a fucking Niggar-Fluff. [Thats where her surname is derived in case you were an idiot.] Well, by some smooth talking I managed to secure her release from the asshole brigade. We arrive back at the house and I start playing some World of Warcraft before dinner. "Whats that?", she says.
"Oh, this is World of Warcraft... the same people who made Starcraft made this game too."
"Can you make me a character?", she asked.
"Ummm, suuuuuuuurrreee."
So I roll her a character, and since I don't want to drag this out to be a 2 part story I'll just tell you that she got FUCKING ADDICTED. She wouldn't eat or sleep for 2 full days. She just played WoW the whole time. Well, since my computer was hi-jacked by that crack-hat Fluff... I decided to go hang out with Ms. Sarcasm. I should mention that my grandmother is at the house at this time. She's in her office, on her computer... addicted to a different form of internet activity... Ebay. So, E-ho is chatting to one of her pathetic ass boyfriends. Fluff is pwning the fuck out of any Horde that resist her might, and my grandmother is on Ebay. This is where the story gets interesting...

I go to the dryer to pull a shirt and a pair of jeans out [My usual evening attire.] when theres this black stringy thing stuck around my shirt. I'm like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I pull it off of my shirt and examine it more closely. It looks like a pirate's eye-patch. "Sweet!", I say. Then the realization hits me... This is most certainly NOT a pirate's eye-patch. This is without a doubt, the whorest... skankiest... 2 cent hooker Walmart panties I 've ever laid eyes on. I mean, calling them string would be a generous analogy. Then I look in the dryer and find a Smirnoff Ice bottle cap. "OOOOOOH, somebodies in trouble." My grandmother is very strict on E-ho when she's at home. But, she does let her hang out with these friends that I know smoke and drink and toke and fuck. But I don't say anything because we all experience that shit at one point or another and we all need to make our own mistakes. HOWEVER, tonight I was feeling in the mood for some entertainment. I take the so-called panties and the Smirnoff bottle cap into my grandmother's office. "Theres something you need to see." says I. I then produce the hooker attire and the beverage cap and my gramm's jaw dropped. Without saying a word to me.... "E-HO GET IN HERE NOW!!!!!!!!!" I stand back because this is just about like Jerry Springer shit gonna happen. And I don't mean the stupid ass new ones, I mean the old ones where they elbow dropped their cousin's neice's aunt for sleeping with your brother who is also your grandpa. [The fuck?] Anyways, as I watch, E-ho walks into the room. I run out to get Fluff so she can see this shit too. I mean, come on... how often does shit like this happen? She couldn't be budged from her level 14 Gnomish warrior. So, I run back into the office where the shit's going down... here's the conversation I heard....

E-ho "They're not mine! I swear to you! God, you never believe me!! Why doesn't anybody ever believe me??? You all hate me!!!"
Gramma "E-ho, whose are they then?"
E-ho "So, you believe me then?"
Gramma "I didn't say that, I asked whose they were."
E-ho "Maybe they're Fluff's! Yes, actually I think they are."

[Ooooh, such cunning, E-ho. You backstabbed your little sister so your gramma wouldn't find out that the whore panties actually belonged to YOU. 'Kudos' to you good sir.]

E-ho "Wait no! I think they're my friend Jessica's!!! Yes they're hers remember she spent the night recently!!!

At this point Fluff walks in with this disgusted look on her face. Apparently the only thing that could drag her away from her new addiction was pwning the fuck out of E-ho... and might I add... she did a superb job.

Fluff "I know, you did not blame those underwear on me, E-ho...."
Gramma "Fluff, are these your panties?
Fluff "I was with this nigga when she bought them! AND that aint the only pair!! She bought like 4 other pairs too at Walmart!!" [Yes, she really said nigga.]

E-ho's face turned beet red. Her face twisted into the most out-there display of anger and embarrassment I've ever seen.


Oh shit I'm seriously laughing so hard even now that I can barely type this. Well, the night dulled down after that. I went to Ms. Sarcasm's house and she made me dinner. What a beautiful night that was. Does shit like this happen to anybody else?

'I'm so back bitches.'


Anonymous b0m | FreeKill said...

dude that is awsome!!!
i love that i wish i was there im still rolling over it as i type......nice way to save the blog

11:09 AM  
Blogger Arrhythmia said...

Robert, if you ever have a bright comment come to mind...know that to intelligent people, it's a piece of crock-shit. He didn't save the blog, he revived it...we assumed it was dead because of the fact that we're lazy ass fucks. Kudos on the story sir, some points did get me into a roll-around laughing fit. Although I know you embellish on some shit, I can most certainly see your sister saying 'nigga', I mean, come on, she has YOUR genes and thats the only thing anyone needs to know. PLUS,'s not like we don't say fuck or nigger or cunt or whatnot...people pick up shit...[like I picked up fuck off of you guys]... :D I'll try my best to write some new shit...remember I had 3 or 4 stories in the backlog, but never got to them. Maybe it's time to break the mout again...

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcasm here...

God, that's hysterical.

When you first told me about it, it was even better because I got facial expressions and much flailing of the limbs...

I wonder if (e-ho) is going to go out into public around us for a while.

*love you, babe*

"I'm in the business of kickin' your ass...and lemme tell you... business is boomin'."

3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohhhhh shit son!extrEMO here...
long time no talk niggies
might i say
when robin told me this story in bio
i laughed sooo hard
and when i read it here...
i almost choked on my shrimp terriyaki bowl...
this story was the best ive read
omfg...your household is a genius
the best part was the...
"skank special on isle skank..."
that whole fucking paragraph was just...
the cherry on the ice cream
props to you nig!!!!!!
haha cant wait for more stories on Eho and Fluff...from what i heard
Fluff is the shiznit..
cool and stuff..aww man
i wanna meet his kid!!
good work !!!


7:14 PM  

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