Saturday, November 13, 2004

How I Met Ms. Sarcasm and Why She Used to Suck

Here we go again with yet another story that occurred over a year ago. Not surprisingly, a lot of shitty things seemed to happen to me between the ages of fifteen and seventeen. Oh well, that's life and here's another story.

Alright, let me set the scene for all you guys and gals, I was ...sixteen, and I had a very good friend, [of the time], named Vince, [no surname for him]. Well, Vince and I met a girl named [Ms. Sarcasm] while reading some magazines one weekend; a sort of odd interaction took place. Well, as things so have it, she was a very cool person, a tad over opinionated and very strong-willed, but I'm the same way, so I took it in stride. Little did I know that she would become an evil, conniving Nazi. Do not think I'm elaborating or over-exaggerating, you will soon know what I mean... Anywho, she seems to think I'm cute, [yea, I know, go figure], and got this grand idea to show a picture of me or some shit to her friend, BlondeDevil; this is where my hell starts.

[Side note: I couldn't really find a place to put this in the story, so I'll describe her here. She was a short blonde who was pretty cute, nice face, good figure, etc. But that doesn't account for everything, at least to me.]

Well, as the way thing pan out, Devil thinks I'm hot shit and seemingly wants to have my children as well, because she is all over this like vultures on a fresh carcass. I have never been so hotly pursued by a girl in my entire life, hell, I don't think I have ever really been pursued by a girl...*meh*. So, this seems like a typical stalker case, she's like fucking everywhere I am and is either accompanied by Ms. Sarcasm or her other bitchy friends. Now, I bet you're wondering, "if she was all into your shit and so apparently wanted your penis, why didn't you hit that?" No matter how this comes out, I can guarantee some of you will think I'm a dumbass.

Reason #1: Her ass was fucking fourteen

What's the problem with that? Well, I'll tell you: I was turning seventeen in like a month or two and she was still going to be fourteen for another two months AFTER my birthday. This may not seem like a big difference when I'm say, twenty-one, and the girl would be like nineteen a few months later, but when you're sixteen, that shit doesn't settle right. To some, age doesn't mean shit, but to me, at that time, that was like a fuckin sin. Don't ask why, I'm eighteen now, I really don't remember my reasoning that well. As far as I'm concerned now, sixteen and older, nothing less...

We'll come to the other reasons as the story progresses, so, when I'd see this girl, she'd be with her so-called 'posse' of girls, which was more like Genghis Khan and his fuckin' army. I swear, she had like twenty girls that she knew around her at all times; it was inane and unnecessary. Well, I had gotten to know Ms. Sarcasm pretty well by this time because she always talked to me about how Devil was 'soooooo into me' and how she thought I was 'sooooooo perfect', but we also talked about other stuff that means nothing now. After getting to know her, I felt pretty comfortable around her, except when she did the most annoying thing anyone could do to you when they're trying to help you with a 'relationship' or something of that nature, she fuckin' pulls me aside in front of EVERYONE and starts lecturing me like she's my mother. She'd be like 'you have to do this and that' and 'talk to her more' and so on and so on, spouting bullshit left and right. By this time, I was already unsure about Devil and this was not exactly helping. This persists for months, I'd go out on the weekend and there they were, waiting for me, and again, Ms. Sarcasm would pull me aside and have a 'chat'. If God gave Mercy Smiting as a lifeline, I would have used mine right then and there.

Where were my Guardian Angels to come save me from this part of Hell that just decided to pop up in the middle of fucking Bakersfield? Apparently, they were on a long ass lunch break. By the first month of this bullshit, I began to grow weary and didn't know how to deal with the insanity that had become my social life. Not only was I seeing Ms. Sarcasm face to face every weekend to get my 'talk', but Devil's little friends thought it was their single most purpose in life to fuck with mine.

Reason #2: BlondeDevil's friends were douche bags

Let me explain, every time I got out of my truck, there they were. They'd surround my Tacoma and barrage me with 'why don't you date [Devil], she really likes you' or 'stop being such an asshole and date her'. Why would I want to date a girl who's friends try to stomp my balls time and time again?

This whole situation was getting stale, I was emotionally drained and started getting weaker mentally. By this, I mean I was contemplating dating her just to get her friends to shut the fuck up. What was really bad was that during the weekdays, when I didn't have to deal with Devil's psychotic friends, I would still have to deal with Ms. Sarcasm and her power of persuasion. Even though it didn't work directly, she had a hand in me finally giving in. It took about two more months of bitching from the friends and counseling from Ms. Sarcasm before my mind snapped. In total, close to five months of my life was wasted trying to avoid dating this girl.

Reason #3: She just sucked in general, basically, I didn't like her personality

Devil seemed to be a very dull person, she didn't appeal to me in any way emotionally. How was I going to start liking a girl that I thought was less interesting than a brick. It just didn't make sense to me, but I guess, her tactics eventually worked.

Finally, it happened, I gave in and said that I would go out with her. [This next part was totally fucked up on my part, but whatever, she did it to herself when she had me get pressured into dating her]. After telling her I would finally give it a shot, she went out of town for, um, close to a week. In that period of time, I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I had been duped into doing this and decided to cut the bullshit out of my life. When she got back from her trip, I just straight up said that I wasn't going to go out with her and that nothing would change my mind. Thank you God, because after I said that, I was released from the hell that was the past five months.

[Side note: Reading this you only get a small idea of what truly happened, if I told you everything in full detail, you'd be emotionally scarred.]

After this fiasco was finished, I didn't really talk to Ms. Sarcasm for close to six months, probably more. Then, when I started to talk to her and things got cool between us again, she began apologizing constantly for her part in it. I'd be an ass every so often and bring up the whole 'Devil' issue and she'd apologize again for thirty minutes; this occurred about twice a week. Nowadays, things are fine between us, we've had our differences, gotten in a few fights, but nothing we didn't eventually get over. Yes, Ms. Sarcasm used to suck the big one, but now she's CAF aka Cool As Fuck. I eventually introduced her to Diljner, but that story is for another time. Right now, I think she is sorta trying to make up for her past by introducing me to her friend, extrEMO, but let's hope this one ends up better.

[Side note: Ms. Sarcasm, Diljner, extrEMO, and I were at the arcade a couple of weeks ago and Sarcasm fucking pulls me aside again to tell me some undisclosed information [something like "oh my fucking God, [Arrhythmia] is so hott, I wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"] and I was so fuckin' embarrassed and really pissed off that she did that; I didn't want to deal with this shit again. It's sort of funny, Diljner did the same thing, I thought he was going to tell me the same shit as Ms. Sarcasm, but I was wrong, he wasn't. When I mistook his secretive actions, I grabbed his throat and we proceeded to fight in the arcade, nothing major, but whatever. He ended up tripping me to end the squabble and all was fine. We then played KoF 2002 and 2003 to our heart's content while the girls got bored and talked to each other.]

sXeSicnessForevr: haha im finishin up another story
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: really?!?!?!?!?!??!
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: put me in it
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: and say i said "omfg [Arrhythmia] is so hott i wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"


Blogger BloodDrain said...

Haha..Dan is a heartbreaker...or is it that the chicks are ugly and/or uninteresting? Hmmm...

1:32 AM  
Blogger Last_Serenade said...

what a hell for poor dan :-( ~J

1:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm yea i hope things with extrEMO go good too. ;) ... that 14 year old girl... i think i can take her. ohhh yea i can take her. i dont think she can endure hours of KOF like i can...ohhh no. its on.

<3 u dan

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcasm here...

You really need to correct how it is that we met. It's a shitload funnier, especially since I had no idea who you or Vince were.
I'm glad you and Salina are hitting it off so well, sure she's hard to get a hold of but we both know it's worth it.
Are you coming to Thanksgiving at me house with Ant and Josh?

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice ending for a nightmare at the beginning. I wonder what ur angels had for lunch...

10:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its me kyle lol you whored ur site out to me and i read it and posted it
you baysterd lol jk peace out man

10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey good post. kinda wierd at time but it was good. i enjoy reading about the craziness that seems to be in your life. as well in the life of others.. haha

cant wait til your next post my nigga

11:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good job! your growing up! jk I would probably told you the same thing.... well, not really, but yeah... you need to get laid...

the other *Flaggot*
SuRgE ;-)

12:05 AM  
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1:58 PM  

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