Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Ah Denny's, How I Love Thee

On Saturday, Leafblower and I took a lofty trip over to the local Denny's, located on Gosford, not 2 miles from my house. Anyway, we get there and I wait to order our stuff since Leaf took his sweet time figuring out exactly what he wanted. Bastard. After we order, we talk a little bit and I start to get bored, so what do I do? I grabbed my napkin and asked Leaf if he had a pen. Sure enough, he did, and I proceeded to draw a picture that was in a perfect likeness of ourselves. As you can imagine, it was a masterpiece:

After I was done using my Picasso like skills, I showed the picture to Leaf and I couldn't have hoped for a better response. He started laughing his tiny little head off causing me to start laughing furiously.

Me "What do you think of the picture?" [Laughs]
Leaf "Oh, it's great! I glanced over...one of them looked like a palm tree. I guess that was you..."
Me "Did you notice the detail that I put in it? Look how I did your teeth."
Leaf "Is it just the front ones...?" [pause] "You mother fucker..." [He says this as he's laughing]

When he said this, we started laughing even harder, to the point to where I couldn't breathe. It was ridiculously funny to us, when someone else could have seen it and thought we were retarded children who escaped from an institution. Leaf didn't want me to get the last laugh on this one though, so he decided he would draw a picture of us as well.

Leaf "I can't draw as good as you, but I'm going to try..."
Me "What? I drew stick figures..."
Leaf "I know."
Me "I wasn't even trying to draw right there dude."
Leaf "Oh, well....that's still better than I can draw."

He was being serious.

If you can't tell, I'm on the right....

In the middle of drawing, I stopped him and said:

Me "You didn't give me one..." [Refering to a penis]
Leaf "Look, I can make you either a tranny or a woman..."
Leaf "Tranny, huh..."

He then drew me a penis. I realized I looked like a girlscout with an extra little something that shouldn't be seen. It didn't offend me, in fact, it made me laugh like mad, but...it's just a little creepy that he drew it that way. I was also a tad confused on why he drew my face different than his.

Me "Why does your face look like that, but mine looks normal?"
Leaf "Look [Arrhythmia], I can't make my drawing PERFECT!"

He said perfect ...hahahha.

After this, we stole some napkins from another table and ate our fine Denny's food. It was grandoise. We shall do it again, and hopefully, we'll have another story.

Oh yea...Leaf mentioned 'El Burro' in his picture. For those of you who don't know, it means 'The Donkey'....hahahahahahaha...so gay...

MEvsMYSELF73: love the drawings
bLacK0psmAfiA: the first one, we thought, was the best
MEvsMYSELF73: yours?
bLacK0psmAfiA: yes
MEvsMYSELF73: they're both good...urs is simple and and his is creative
MEvsMYSELF73: both with the same message....
MEvsMYSELF73: u both have big egos
bLacK0psmAfiA: we're gay fags
MEvsMYSELF73: lol, jk
bLacK0psmAfiA: hahaha
MEvsMYSELF73: that too
bLacK0psmAfiA: lawlz

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Make Computers Old People Proof

Not only should old people not be allowed near computers...

...but should be destroyed in a hail of gunfire for our amusement.

I can almost guarantee that most of you would read that statement, laugh your ass to oblivion, and then agree wholeheartedly that it is true, very very fucking true. Let me ask you, how many of you have tried to help your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles get their computer to be more serving for "them?" I know I have, several fucking times. My grandfather was so computer illiterate, I had to help him figure out how to start the computer, yes, start the mother fucking thing. I swear, I've wanted to slap him in the back of the head so many times, but from fear of physical injury, [he's a strong guy] I hold back....just for him. This also reminds me of when I had to teach my grandmother how to use the computer. I don't know if God was taunting me that period of time or if I was just having a long string of bad luck, but Jesus, that was a pain in the ass. I'm not going into her experience though, it's too painful.

Just recently, I was teaching my grandfather, [let's call him Chuck], how to use a digital camera and upload pictures onto his little P.O.S. Compaq. This, you would assume, would be easy; you take pictures and plug a little cord into the computer's USB port and *KABLAM* you're already pretty much done. No. No no no. *sigh* ....I don't even know how to start this.... Alright, when he got the camera I told him to take some sample pictures so that he could get accustomed to how the camera worked.

Me "Okay grandpa, take a picture of the tv..."
Chuck "How??!!?"
Me "What the hell do you mean 'how?' It's like a regular camera..."
Chuck "What do I press to take a picture?!"
Me "Have you used a regular camera before?"
Chuck "Yes..."
Me "Well then, it'd be the same button as on a regular camera."
Chuck "Ohhhh! I got it!"
Me "Good, now take a picture..."
Chuck "Okay..." [he puts it up to his face to take it] "Hey! Why isn't it working!"
Me "What? What are you talking about..."

I look at the camera and realize that he's not pressing the button, he's just pointing it at the TV and waiting for it to take the picture itself.

Me "....Grandpa, you really suck."
Grandma [Marilyn] "Hahahahaha, Chuck, don't be stupid."
Me "You guys are dumbasses, I'll come back tomorrow."

And yes, I really said that to them. They've gotten used to me getting frustrated and calling them names. Now, I doubt this little incident right here would kill the whole 'help my grandparents' idea, but it was sure a contributing factor.

Another very aggitating time in my life occured about a week ago, when I visited my grandparents after not seeing them for about a week. I had walked in, grabbed some food, played with my dog and watched TV with the old ones. Chuck all of a sudden remembered that he had to ask me how to do something. Take note that he's working with Ebay...yet he can barely upload pictures...

Chuck "When I upload pictures onto Ebay, I can't see them because the 'My Pictures' folder is blocking my view."
Me "Then why don't you move the window...?"
Chuck "NO! I'm asking how to get to the upload button!"
Me [My face is showing confusion at his rambling] "Um, you move the window like this..." [I move the window] "And see....you can upload now?"
Me "What the hell are you talking about? I showed you how to do this over a week ago."
Chuck "You did?!"
Me "What kind of shit do you hear me say when I teach you this stuff? Or do you ignore whatever I say?"
Chuck "Lose the tone, boy."
Me "What? I have to lose my tone, yet I have to re-show you this shit over and over?! Get over yourself old man, unless you want to teach this shit to yourself?"

I proceed to show him how to do it and he seems to be in awe, like someone just showed him the Holy Grail or some shit. Christ, I don't know what's worse, re-teaching him everything that I taught him five minutes prior or being stabbed in the face.

I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and all other older generation people living in my family, but the majority of them are dumbasses when it comes to electronics. I say we either have a ban on people over the age of 50 buying electronic equipment or we create a new type of software that anytime it detects the incompetancy of an old person using a computer, it gives them a nice jolt of electricity through the keyboard, let's say 10,000 volts. Yea, that ought to get their attention.

I found some related statements on the internet and I think they are quite true:

SomeNiggar "Call this an unfair generalization, but old people are no good at everything."

I can call this a very safe assumption.

By: curse on 12/14/2004 12:24:07 AM
My mom just got e-mail so I get ALL of those lovely forwards/chain mails...*

*Courtesy of your local Lambgoat.com

Don'tcha just LOVE family?!


ABloodDrain87: yeah, must be frustrating to explain [to] your grandpa [about] technology*
ABloodDrain87: lol
bLacK0psmAfiA: my god
bLacK0psmAfiA: i left out like a billion stories

*those mean they were added, she had bad grammar ;)

Holy Shit A New Post

Wow, as I'm sure alot of you have noticed; we haven't had an update to the Leafblower Blog since December. I now have a bit of time to start writing posts again and I have a bit of 'The Trip' material I haven't thrown at you fucks yet. Well anyways, this is the story I have to post out of spite for my A-hole sister. It's not that I hate her or anything, it's just that I loathe her. She's become so clichè lately with her internet going's on and such. Don't get me wrong, I love my computer. I love the internet. I love playing World of Warcraft/Counter-Strike: Source. I love IM'ing my friends. But my sister [We'll call her E-ho] has taken it to a new low. She never goes out.... anywhere. When family comes to visit all she does is sit in her room in the dark typing to crater faced little highschool fags who talk about self mutilation and how bad god hates them all day. She walks around with a scowl on her face all day like life is so fucking hard for her... "DAMN BITCH!!! YOU GET THREE MEALS A FUCKING DAY!!!! YOU GET ANY/EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SCOWLING ABOUT??!!!" Well anyways, you've got a pretty basic impression of her personality thus far. The story begins....

I have two sisters... one of them is extremely cool. Nothing ever bothers her, and if it does she'd sooner punch you in the nipple than bitch and whine about it. [We'll call her Fluff] Fluff seems to implement the word 'nigga' into every conversation she has. It surprises me if she ends a sentence without the dreaded N word. Now, since E-ho and Fluff have such different personalities... They do not get along, at all. Fluff could kick E-ho's ass in a split second even though she's 3 years younger. She's 8 times meaner. So it never usually results in violence.

I'm at work the other day, just reading a magazine in my office when I get a phone call informing me that Fluff is going to come spend the weekend. "Tits!", I exclaim. I was pretty excited because Fluff and I always get some sick Counterstrike pwnage going. Well, I go to pick her up and when I arrive, she almost didn't get to come over because my Mother's husband likes to think he's Mr. Man of the house and shit. I almost pwned him this one day, but thats another story. Anyways, Fluff almost didn't get to come over at the last minute because she got in a fight with my Mom's Husband and called him a 'Niggar-Fluff'. She called the man a fucking Niggar-Fluff. [Thats where her surname is derived in case you were an idiot.] Well, by some smooth talking I managed to secure her release from the asshole brigade. We arrive back at the house and I start playing some World of Warcraft before dinner. "Whats that?", she says.
"Oh, this is World of Warcraft... the same people who made Starcraft made this game too."
"Can you make me a character?", she asked.
"Ummm, suuuuuuuurrreee."
So I roll her a character, and since I don't want to drag this out to be a 2 part story I'll just tell you that she got FUCKING ADDICTED. She wouldn't eat or sleep for 2 full days. She just played WoW the whole time. Well, since my computer was hi-jacked by that crack-hat Fluff... I decided to go hang out with Ms. Sarcasm. I should mention that my grandmother is at the house at this time. She's in her office, on her computer... addicted to a different form of internet activity... Ebay. So, E-ho is chatting to one of her pathetic ass boyfriends. Fluff is pwning the fuck out of any Horde that resist her might, and my grandmother is on Ebay. This is where the story gets interesting...

I go to the dryer to pull a shirt and a pair of jeans out [My usual evening attire.] when theres this black stringy thing stuck around my shirt. I'm like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I pull it off of my shirt and examine it more closely. It looks like a pirate's eye-patch. "Sweet!", I say. Then the realization hits me... This is most certainly NOT a pirate's eye-patch. This is without a doubt, the whorest... skankiest... 2 cent hooker Walmart panties I 've ever laid eyes on. I mean, calling them string would be a generous analogy. Then I look in the dryer and find a Smirnoff Ice bottle cap. "OOOOOOH, somebodies in trouble." My grandmother is very strict on E-ho when she's at home. But, she does let her hang out with these friends that I know smoke and drink and toke and fuck. But I don't say anything because we all experience that shit at one point or another and we all need to make our own mistakes. HOWEVER, tonight I was feeling in the mood for some entertainment. I take the so-called panties and the Smirnoff bottle cap into my grandmother's office. "Theres something you need to see." says I. I then produce the hooker attire and the beverage cap and my gramm's jaw dropped. Without saying a word to me.... "E-HO GET IN HERE NOW!!!!!!!!!" I stand back because this is just about like Jerry Springer shit gonna happen. And I don't mean the stupid ass new ones, I mean the old ones where they elbow dropped their cousin's neice's aunt for sleeping with your brother who is also your grandpa. [The fuck?] Anyways, as I watch, E-ho walks into the room. I run out to get Fluff so she can see this shit too. I mean, come on... how often does shit like this happen? She couldn't be budged from her level 14 Gnomish warrior. So, I run back into the office where the shit's going down... here's the conversation I heard....

E-ho "They're not mine! I swear to you! God, you never believe me!! Why doesn't anybody ever believe me??? You all hate me!!!"
Gramma "E-ho, whose are they then?"
E-ho "So, you believe me then?"
Gramma "I didn't say that, I asked whose they were."
E-ho "Maybe they're Fluff's! Yes, actually I think they are."

[Ooooh, such cunning, E-ho. You backstabbed your little sister so your gramma wouldn't find out that the whore panties actually belonged to YOU. 'Kudos' to you good sir.]

E-ho "Wait no! I think they're my friend Jessica's!!! Yes they're hers remember she spent the night recently!!!

At this point Fluff walks in with this disgusted look on her face. Apparently the only thing that could drag her away from her new addiction was pwning the fuck out of E-ho... and might I add... she did a superb job.

Fluff "I know, you did not blame those underwear on me, E-ho...."
Gramma "Fluff, are these your panties?
Fluff "I was with this nigga when she bought them! AND that aint the only pair!! She bought like 4 other pairs too at Walmart!!" [Yes, she really said nigga.]

E-ho's face turned beet red. Her face twisted into the most out-there display of anger and embarrassment I've ever seen.


Oh shit I'm seriously laughing so hard even now that I can barely type this. Well, the night dulled down after that. I went to Ms. Sarcasm's house and she made me dinner. What a beautiful night that was. Does shit like this happen to anybody else?

'I'm so back bitches.'

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Diljner Pisses Off Net-Nerd

Does anybody else ever get a shitload of stupid ass emails from so-called foreigners asking you to help them transfer a SHITLOAD of money from their *ahem* Swiss bank account due to some bullshit yadda-yadda? Well I get these on a regular basis on my Yahoo! account. They used to piss me off, but lately I've become somewhat sympathetic to these schmucks that actually sit around and write them. Here is an example of me being a good samaritan and trying to help some lowly fucking nerd get out get social and stop writing stupid fucking Bullshit email letters to me and everyone else.
His bogus fucking stupid chock-full of grammatical errors email to me...

PRIVATE AND URGENT.My name is MARTIN DARIUS, I am the credit manager in a bankhere in the United Kingdom. I am contacting you of a business transfer,of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that atransaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive andworried, but I am assuring you that everything has been taken care off, andall will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due tothe urgency of this transaction.PROPOSITION;I am the account officer of a foreigner named Gerald Welshwho died in an air crash along with his wife in 31st October 1999 anEgyptian airline 990 with other passengers on board. you can confirmthis from the website below from published by CNN.WEBSITE Since his death, none of his next-of-kin are alive to makeclaims for this money as his heir, because they all died in the sameaccident(May his soul rest in peace). We cannot release the fund fromhis account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to thedeceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. Upon this discovery, Inow seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to thedeceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me forthe funds (US$5,000,000.00) to be released in your favour as thebeneficiary's next of kin. It may interest you to know that we havesecured from the probate an order of mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this messagein acceptance of our mutual business endeavour by furnishingme with the following information if you are interested.1. A Beneficiary name?.In order for me to prepare thedocument for transfer of the funds in your name. 2. Direct Telephone and fax numbers??.For our personalcontact and mutual trust in each other. Upon your acceptance I shallsend you a copy of my international passport and drivers license formore confidentiality and trust.I shall be compensating you with a million dollars($1Million dollars) on final conclusion of this project for your assistance,while the balance $4 million dollars shall be for me for investmentpurposes. If this proposal is acceptable by you, please endeavor tocontact me immediately. Do not take undue advantage of the trust Ihave bestowed in you.I await your urgent mail to my personal email address: martindarius@jumpy.it for security reasonsBest Regards,MR. MARTIN DARIUS

Yeah, I was thinking it too when I read this shit... Anywho... to which I replied...


Do you guys that sit around and write this shit up all day get paid for it? And for that matter, do you ever get laid? I mean... if I were a girl.. and a guy told me that he wrote bogus emails all day and thats how he pays the bills this pussy would be off-limits... know what I'm saying? I suggest, that you quit playing with your mouse and hit the local bar maybe? Seriously, I know your sex life is suffering. Another thing, if you do insist upon writing bogus emails all day, please do not send them to this email adress, you will probably get a response just like this one next time. So save your time... and your peter... go get laid... may the force be with you. -Diljner

To which he replied back.....

Fuck you.

Get a life folks... stop hogging my inbox with your filthy fake emails... they're making me soft.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Yea... Being Me Sucks Sometimes

I know I've ranted a lot about bad drivers, but I am not dumbfounded that I have found yet another reason to bitch and complain about these terrible nuisances.

Now, yesterday I picked up the Leafblower to hang out with him a little bit and have him help me clean the house just a little bit. I gave him an option to do the laundry [just folding] or if he wanted to clean the kitchen. He opted for laundry and it ended up taking him an hour and a half to get that shit done. In the meantime, I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and my bedroom. Anyway, the day played out like usual, we went by the mall to play at the arcade, but it was a hellhole thanks to the Christmas Season, so it took forever to get a parking spot. Actually, besides playing KoF, we also went clothes shopping for me. Yea, I know, that's really weird, since I haven't really bought new clothes in close to a year. This is just all the shit we did that led up to me being super pissed at yet another Mexican driver.

Alright, the time is close to ten o'clock, I think, and I'm driving North on Gosford, heading towards Truxtun Avenue. I had asked Leaf earlier which way we should take home and gave him two options, he chose, and it ended up being the poorer of the two choices, resulting in a longer trip home. This time, I asked him if we should go down Truxtun or Rosedale, but this time, no matter what he said, I was going down Truxtun, it's just faster. So,I get into the left-hand right turn lane to manuever from Gosford [or Coffee Rd.] to Truxtun and I begin my turn next to this guy in a huge old van. You know the ones, built like tanks with the little ladder on the back...yea. Well, as I'm turning onto the two lane Truxtun, Leaf suddenly says, "Uh, [Arrhythmia]..." I look over and that big ass van that was turning next to me drifts half way into MY fucking lane and fucking sideswipes me. I am now in complete disbelief to what had just happened. Seeing my dispair, Leaf automatically tries to cheer me up.

Leaf "Dude, [Arrhythmia], I'm your witness! I'm your witness! He was totally in the wrong."
Me [Silence]
Leaf "Yea dude..."
Me "I guess this is your Christmas present to me, being my witness, oh yea, and the fact you weren't going to get me anything anyway." [He chuckles] "Plus you owe me for paying for your haircut today."
Leaf "I was going to grab your wheel, but I didn't think that would be a good idea."
Me "Yea, we didn't have anywhere to go anyway. If I turned to the left, I would have went head-on into traffic. Oh yea, if you would have touched my wheel, I would have given you the What the Fuck[?] speech."

I get the guy to pull over and I get out of my truck and realize that my passenger side-view mirror is completely ripped off. I send Leaf off to fetch it out of traffic [hahaha]. He brings it back and the mirror is no where to be found, so I am left with a big hunk of useless plastic. Right as Leaf returns to my car, the guy gets out of his armored tank and comes out to confront me. This guy was roughly mid 50s, possibly early 60s, Mexican, and seemingly very incompetant in the ways of the English language. He knew how to speak it, but I don't understand slurred Spanglish gibbering that well. Idiot. This guy gives me a baffled look and starts the conversation off like this:

IncompetentMexi "What were you doing?"
Me [When he says this, I am completely taken aback and opt for the sarcastic answer] "I was WATCHING you hit me..."
IncompetentMexi "Hrm..." [He gives me yet another idiotic look and I suspect he doesn't know what the fuck to do. I'm fucking 18 and have never been in an accident and I ask for his information first...what a cunt]
Me "Hrm? What do you mean 'hrm'? You hit me!"

He walked over to his van and looked at it to see if there was any damage done. He sorta scans it and then says some shit about how the front bumper over his wheel is "scratched." I failed to see a scratch, but it was pretty dark and I wasn't up for an investigating...I'll leave that up to his insurance company. He then walks over to my truck with me and we examine it together.

IncompetentMexi "I don't really see anything wrong with your truck."
Me [Calm and collected, yet really pissed off] "Um, well for one thing, my mirror was ripped off and um see those collections of giant [fucking] scratches? Yea, those weren't there a two minutes ago." [I then touch the side of my truck and the paint disintegrates off of the door and covers my hand....I showed the guy and he just shruged it off...Gah, this guy is a total mother fucker]
IncompetentMexi "I really don't see much damage done."
Me [God smite his retarded ass for me...please? I then look at him in disbelief...fucktard *sigh*]

Leaf then comes up to me and comments on how I'm really calm about all of this and seemed weirded out by it. I asked him why and he said that he would be freaking if this happened to him, oh yea, and that I'm normally a spaz. Go figure. I then proceed to get this guy's information and somehow, I don't get his insurance information. I am a fucking moron...a COMPLETE fucking moron. I eventually got it about an hour later after calling like seven different numbers [this guy had terrible, terrible fucking handwriting. He blamed it on the darkness when he was writing, I blame it on the fact that he's a dumbshit].

We finally complete all of our shit and head off. I continue my way to Ms. Sarcasm's house [that's where we were headed in the first place] and once I get there, I called my parents. Yea, bad move, very bad move. Let's just say I got chewed out to the fucking highest degree. I then spend thirty minutes of my time calling this douche to get his insurance information. When this is done, I spend another hour and a half talking to his insurance company. Let this be a warning to all of you. Watch how you drive, accidents are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more trouble than they are worth. After this time, Ms. Sarcasm tells her mother what went down and she goes all apeshit and decides to take me on a tour of the neighborhoods to find this guy's house so I could get his license plate information. She is...how do I say this....she drives like a gremlin would with ADD, hyped up on PCP, and having drank about seven or eight Monser Energy Drinks. This is only one reason why I don't drive with other people. After we did our investigation and I got to almost hop a fence to get that shit, we went home and I got to deal with all the shit at home. It wasn't all that bad...and I got to go to Diljner's to have a LAN party. That story will come later. I'll actually post the pictures of the damage to my truck in like a week, so I can get the film developed.


Okay, I'm done...

Stupid incompetent Mexican bastard...ruined my truck...

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Super Fuck-Ups

Sorry for the huuuuge delay in entries, I know how my adoring fan base can't continue existence without my brilliant stories. Yes, I am egomaniacal and I never plan on changing.

Anyway, this story is dedicated to the wonderful people at Supercuts. Oh, wait, did I say wonderful? I meant to say totally fucking stupid niggers who, even with a diploma from their "Academy for Cutting Hair Like Shit", can't seem to give a decent haircut, no where, no how. It just gets my juices flowing whenever I get a shitastic haircut from a place I pay fucking fourteen dollars to go. If I was expecting to get a piss poor cut at discounted prices, I would have gone to the Mod Hatter in the mall and gotten something from either the geriatrics that work there or the Latina whores.

I will actually get into my story now, since, I have already blown enough steam to power a fucking diesel engine going cross country. So, as I was saying, I get into this place and they take my name and I sit, expecting a thirty minute wait. As I'm sitting, some lady and her kid are sitting next to me discussing how he didn't do his homework and how he watched television all day. My parents and grandparents forced me to do homework right after school and look at me now, I'm still a major screw up in school. This kid was headed to being a fucked up middle-schooler experimenting with LSD or whatnot. I know I'm being a tad overzealous on my analysis, but kids nowadays are fucktards, so sue me. Anyway, I'm beginning to laugh, not only at his mother's extreme lack of discipline over her child, but the comments he's throwing back at her. At one time he mentions Cartoon Network and I immediately think of Adult Swim. I begin to laugh and she notices, looks over at me and the first words out of my mouth are "Cartoon Network ALL THE WAY!!!" Yea, this just solidifies that I'm a complete geek with no chance in Hell of ever getting a girlfriend....ever. After this, I talk to the mother a bit, rehash thoughts of my childhood, tell her how fucked up the teachers were with homework and how he seems to have it a little easier [don't ask why, I just felt that way at the time] and how it only gets worse. I could tell by her eyes she seemed....disappointed in the fact that her child was going to be challenged in the future. Oh well, if you have stupid children, you reap what you fucking sow.

Eventually, my name was called and a sigh of relief swept over me, for I felt I was in the clear. I couldn't have been more fucking wrong. I was in for some major torture, as it may seem, because the woman cutting my hair was as dense as a six-foot thick wall of mortar. I begin our encounter like so...

Me "I would like you to cut my sideburns a little shorter and blend them into my hair as it is now. [Lifts up hair covering half of sideburns] I have bald spots right here, [I'm blonde, so I have them] and I need you to blend them well enough not to show them."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh, I remember you. We did this to you a while back." [And they did a damn better job then too]
Me "Also, the back is a little long. Can you cut off like one-third of an inch so it doesn't look all mullet-y, that way I can keep the flip. Oh, and one more thing, the top is a little long, can you clean it up, not cut it, but clean it up?"
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Sure."

She starts off by going after my sideburns. All seems well at first, but all she did was make them not stick out so much, she didn't even fucking try to blend. Then, after like two seconds of work there, she goes after the back of my hair. I'm already in "What the Fuck" land and am hoping that this was going to, in some way, fit in with the scheme of my sideburns. I watch in horror as she surpasses the one-third margin I had given her not two minutes ago and start ruining my hairs beautiful shit; yes, I said beautiful. So, I'm already at a massive loss for words and my hair is taking damage like a nub in Counter-Strike. There is a sudden shift in the woman's movement, she moves from the back of my head, straight up to the front. Now, remember how I asked her to "clean up the front, but not cut," well that thought was shot to Fucktown. As I watch her grab my hair, I almost immediately knew what was in store. She grabs my hair, not a casual quarter inch just for clean up, but she grabs the massive half fucking inch. My hair was at my fucking eyes when she started, it was soon relocated to my forehead. Jesus Christ Almighty, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

My night was officially ruined there, I had gone in, expecting a casual clean-up and blend job, but by the time she was cutting my bangs, it became much more horrid. So, as my hair is cut to forehead length, I notice her start cutting the top of my head as well. I thought she was taking an awful lot off...just to blend. Damn. This made me ten different kinds of sad. I thought the worst was over, but to my dismay, I was wrong.

StupidHaircuttingBitch "So, does that look good to you?" [As she flips my hair a bit to let it settle]
Me "Uhhhhhhhh..." [Points] "This side is a little longer than that side..."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh! That's because you have a cowlick, let me fix that."

Let me get this fucking straight, it's because i have a COWLICK?! How does that even EXCUSE the fact that one side of my face had hair a half inch longer than the other side, yet you thought it looked good? And the fact that she blamed it on the cowlick...I have one on both sides, she cut one side already....your argument has been deemed "invalid" by the idiot police. Good day.

If there as such a time to slap your forehead because of extreme stupidity, now would be the time.

After correcting her obvious mistake, she was STILL not done. Apparently, she wanted to finish the job in the back, as if she hadn't already pissed me off enough that night... She grabs the clippers and starts like gently "brushing" the back so that my hair "wouldn't flip anymore." GAHHHH!! What the fuck, bitch?! DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TEN MINUTES PRIOR THAT I LIKED THE FLIP?!!?! GAHMOTHERFUCKERIWANTTOCHOKEYOU!!!! *Sigh* I was done. Emotionally drained and thoroughly pissed off, I had given up any hope of having a decent cut.

This story has already gone long enough, and you know what, it's still not over. After she does her shit to the back of my head, she starts aiming for the sideburns. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So she starts cutting, and I notice she's cutting awfully crooked, but don't bother thinking of it anymore cause my hair already looked fucked up. She then brushes me off with her horsehair thing and sends me on my way. I say "thank you" and tip her, being the polite bastard that I am, and go on my way home. I keep looking in my rear-view mirror because something is totally amiss in the whole scheme of things, but I can't put my finger on it. When I arrive home, this conversation drops:

Me "Mom, I'm back from my haircut..."
MotherDear "Let me see."
Me "It looks shitty, but okay..." [Takes off hat]
MotherDear "Yea, I don't like your haircut..."

That's her way of telling me that it looks like shit...

I go into my bathroom and take a shower, the hair that's all over me is getting on my nerves. After I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and am totally fucking horrified. My sideburns, that I thought were barely touched by that whore at Supercuts, were terribly misshapen and were cut at weird angles. On the left side, the blending is fine, but she like layered my sideburn to have two different like "thicknesses," thin and normal....God.... On the right side, the blending is cut at an angle so you can see the bald spot... in fact, there is no blending, she just plain fucked up. In fact, she did such a horrible job, I had to shave some of my sideburns off for them to look somewhat normal again....

For now on, I'm going to my mom's beautician or some shit. They get paid well and they know better than to fuck up my hair....or I'll go super-nazi on their ass....GRRRRR...

Conversation of the Day:
Me "Hello sir, how're you guys doing today?"
Customer "Good- [As he's handing me the Alexander tickets] YOU HAVE OCEAN'S TWELVE?! FUCK THAT!!!"
Me "You can refund your tickets up there sir..." [Points to box office]

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Diljner Ruins LittleBastard's Week

Ah, another story from Diljner’s office. This little tale takes place about a work-week ago. I’m not having a very good day. My head hurts, back is aching, and I’m stuck smack dab in the middle of a pre-construction meeting between some clients of ours and our field superintendent. As if the meeting taking place wasn’t stressful enough, the people decide that it’s the best fucking idea in the world to bring their 7 year old child along with them. This little bastard is horrible. He’s always running around and banging on the piano when I tell him not to, and opening the employee refrigerator and drinking my Cokes. So you can imagine the joy in my heart when I see his little pig face. Well, the meeting is dragging on, and I decide that my presence is not further required in that section of the house, so I take my leave. The little shit is running around the house, jumping on furniture and banging on the piano. I politely ask him to stop being a little fuck. He seems to actually acknowledge me for once. He sits down and I put on Pirates of the Caribbean for him to watch. I then go out into my office and sigh when I see the amount of paper work that has stacked up over the past week. I decide to put it off for a bit longer… [I’m a slacker] Anyways, I walk back into the house and notice that LittleBastard isn’t where I left him. I look around for him for a few minutes. I find him eyeballing the keypad for our security system like an obese woman lusting after chocolate pie. I wanted to throw up. I knew the little bastard was going to mess with it. There was really nothing he could push to fuck anything up, but just the fact that he wanted to do this out of spite for me, made me realize that he must be taught a lesson. So I kind of keep myself hidden behind a corner, waiting for him to mess with the keys. His parents and our superintendent are on the opposite end of the house, so this is the perfect time for me to strike. Boo-ya! I start to hear little beeps and boops… I walk out from where I was waiting and he jumps behind the couch as if to hide from me. I pretend not to notice him. He must be really fucking stupid because he actually believes that he is hidden. Even if he was hidden… my sense of smell would uncover him because this kid fucking smells. I run up to the keypad with a generally panicked look on my face. Here’s what went down.

Diljner “Oh god, somebody has entered the self destruct code! The whole house is going to explode. OH! Who could have done this?!”

LittleBastard comes out from his ‘Hiding Place’ and is very noticeably scared.

Diljner “Did you push the buttons?”
LittleBastard “Yes, it was an accident though, I walked by and my elbow hit it.”

What a little shit face, trying to lie to me. I wanted to thump this kid in the head.

Diljner “You’ve entered the self destruct code, I can’t stop it… You’d better run.”
LittleBastard “Your just messing with me.”

At this point he’s almost pissing his pants.

Diljner “Whatever, I’m getting the hell out of here before it blows up.”

I run out the back door and hear him start bawling. I almost felt bad for him… almost. I peek in through the window and he’s standing in the same spot crying his eyes out. What if I was telling the fucking truth? He’d be dead. My earlier assumptions of this kid being a moron were now confirmed. So, with a satisfied grin on my face, I enter the side door of my office and sit down to a hefty stack of paperwork. YAY! About ten minutes into me actually working, LittleBastard’s parents walk into my office and the mom is holding his hand. His face is all red from crying. Here’s the convo…

BitchyMom “[Diljner] what did you tell our son?”
Diljner “Ma’am?”
BitchyMom “He said that you told him that the house was going to explode with us all in it.”
Diljner “Is this true [LittleBastard]?”
LittleBastard “You did!”
Diljner [With a confused look on my face.] “Ma’am, I’ve been in here doing paperwork since I left the meeting.

BitchyMom whispers something to her husband and he takes LittleBastard out of my office. BitchyMom stays.

BitchyMom “I’m sorry [Diljner], He does this a lot. We just had to make sure though, you know? We recently found out that he has Attention Deficit Disorder and he’s been getting in trouble at school. He’ll be grounded for a week though, we told him if he got in trouble one more time that’d be his punishment.”

Oh fuck. I had just ruined this poor kid’s fucking week. At this point I started feeling like shit. I even tried to get him off the hook. I told her that I used to make up stories all the time and that he’s just being a kid. She wouldn’t budge. I felt so bad for this little guy. But hey, he kept dicking around with me so he had to be taught a lesson. Moral of the story, Don’t be a LittleBastard.

*sighs* I'm going to hell.

*note… I actually wrote this 2 hours after it happened, it had a lot more detail. When I tried to post it, it gave me an error and then wouldn’t let me return to the page in which I had typed it. So, fuck me, it was erased. So, I had to rewrite.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

StupidWhore is Named; Declared a Dick

Let me start this section off with an apology for the last post. I don't know if I was in a bad mood or if it was because it just wasn't a good story, but the last story I wrote sucked the big one. I plan on going back and revising it, but in the meantime I will write this one.

Alright, this story dates back several months ago, when Aliens v. Predator came out, in fact, that was the last movie I saw. Now, as many of you know, I work at a movie theatre [Edwards], so I get free movie tickets and thought it would be nice to take Diljner to the movies [hahahaha, sounds like fuckin' date *wink*]. I walked in with Diljner and decided to introduce him to StupidWhore because he plays Counter-Strike with us, and I wanted Dilj to know exactly who the nub I was calling my friend was. So as we walk up to him, he seems to be serving some customers, no big deal, we've talked many a conversation about things two insane people wouldn't talk about, ...in front of customers.

Me "Sup [StupidWhore], how's it going?"
StupidWhore "Sup [Arrhythmia], things are goin' good. You?"
Me "Oh, [points] I'm going to see Aliens v. Predator with [Diljner] there. You know him, he plays CS with me."
StupidWhore "Oh, okay..."
Me "Well later bro, I'm off to see the movie-"
StupidWhore "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HELPING SOME FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!" [I turn to Diljner and give him the biggest "what the fuck?" face you could possibly create with the muscles in your face]

I was completely taken aback by this outburst of anger. As StupidWhore said these words, he gave me and Diljner the worst stink-eye I've seen in a long time. It looked as if someone had bit off his dick and he was out for blood. Yea, it was that bad...

Me "Whoa bro, sorry, I was just saying bye..."
StupidWhore "Well, next time, don't..."
Me [Look of confusion...we always talk with customers around...starts to walk away]
Diljner "Whoa..." [His face showed the mass confusion that mine had done not five seconds before]
Me "I don't know what the hell is up."
Diljner "That guy's a dick."
Me "Usually he's not, but wow, yea, he's a dick."

A few hours later, Diljner and I walked out of the movie and proceded out the door. I avoided any eye contact with the douche master behind concessions, I had had enough of his pissiness for one day. I thought, "maybe when he gets the sand out of his vagina, then maybe I'll talk to him..." From that day forward, Diljner had the worst impression of StupidWhore. I've heard of bad impressions, but he just couldn't have done it worse.

Shortly after this incident happened, Diljner and I began writing the blog and I wanted to give another one of my co-workers, MexicanaBlanca, the name of StupidWhore, [she didn't even seem to have a problem with this name either], but Diljner declined, saying that "[StupidWhore] should get that name. Yea, he's a douche." I notably agreed and thus his name had been created and all was good. That'll teach him not to be a fucking fag in front of my friends that he doesn't know. He may regret it in the end.

Now-a-days, Diljner has no problem with StupidWhore, well, not as big of a problem. We all play CS at eZone, time and again, and we have a pretty good time. Now is my time to piss that mother fucker off though, because I flash his skinny ass so much, he fucking screams and starts tweakin' out like he overdosed.

What a fucking cunt...

Saturday, December 04, 2004

"What the Fuck" Night # 267

It's safe to say that almost everytime my friends and I go out, we can basically count on a random hilarious moment just pop up out of nowhere; tonight was no exception. To get this one started off, let me give you the setting. Ms. Sarcasm and myself found ourselves to be in a bit of a perdicament, there was absolutely nothing to do. I tried calling around, but found my attempts to be useless, as usual, and I felt down, but I wasn't out. Thinking about pool and how much I rape, but always seem to lose [I'm cursed], I decide to ask Ms. Sarcasm if she would like to go. She wants to, but her mother says something about how the place I want to go to is...bad, no reasons need be given. So we decide to go to Magoo's, over by Ms. Sarcasm's house. Right before we decide to leave, who calls, but Leafblower. This is a fucking surprise since I tried to call him about four times before going over to Sarcasm's. He decides that he wishes to go with us to Magoo's to have some fun. I have Ms. Sarcasm call extrEMO, cause I didn't want to be a nuisance, but she was in trouble or something, so we figured we'd just go ahead and leave.

Not twenty minutes later, we arrive at Magoo's and get our fun on, but not before Leaf and I promptly clip our nails with Leaf's portable clippers; don't ask. We go in and wait for a second to order the food and pizza, and who ends up fishing out the most money for the food and entertainment? You guessed right, me. I have no problem with this, seeing that I love to entertain my friends and feel that they should be treated good, especially since I'm an ass, but I'm trying to be frugal, yea, let's just say that's not working. I love my friends, but they need to help me out better. Anyway, so Leaf and I try playing Street Fighter, but there were a few setbacks. His side didn't even work, so he didn't play, and my punch buttons and analog stick were being retarded, so I was kicking the whole time. Gey. We play a few more games, I choose a few songs from the juke box and we start chillin'. A few minutes later, Ms. Sarcasm and I start to play pool and I rape at it like usual. I believe I hit all but two balls in before she got one, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she sucks, the cues were just terrible. I didn't expect her to have a chance, hell, I didn't think that I would do that well. I win the first pool game after only like six minutes of play, yes, I show no mercy. She knows how I play, she should expect it by now.

Anywho, wouldn't you know it, but during the game, one of the workers from Magoo's comes up and just offers Ms. Sarcams a job, asking her age and whatnot. A switch in Leaf went off or something because when he heard this he was like "no fuck" and started laughing like always. He looked like he got really pissed too because he had this big ass scowl on his face. I believe he hated Ms. Sarcasm, even for just a short amount of time. You could tell he was frustrated, he just chuckled, rubbed the back of his head while he looked at the ground and gave me that look like "I'm fucking kill the bitch." Good times, good times. The sad thing about it was that Leaf really needs a job, yet what do you know, Sarcasm gets an offer. Fucking ironic. Still, I give it to her, she was the best lookin' girl there, so she deserves the attention. Better luck next time Leafy my boy.

We pick a few more songs and they soon finish and our food arrives. I start digging in, but I notice something with this pizza that I don't usually with others, it's fucking hot! My lord, this was making my mouth burn like I was eating chili peppers. Hot damn, but it was good, so I quickly laid waste to about three of those suckers before I got tired [mind you Magoo pizza slices are huge]. While we are sitting, Leaf asks me yet another of his brilliant questions...

Leaf "Would you have sex with John Madden for a billion dollars?!"
Me "Um....hrm...." [Looks to show signs of an affirmative answer]
Leaf "But after you were finished you had to watch the instant replay with him and he says 'look as I reach around during the rim job and give him a Rusty Trombone'..."
[We all begin to laugh]
Me "For a billion dollars? Yea... Would you?"
Leaf "Hell yea!! For an extra ten dollars I even might enjoy myself."
Me "For a billion and ten dollars?"
[Uncontrollable laughter from all parties]
Leaf "Yea..."

I soon ran out of my root beer and went to get a refill. We continued our talk about random shit, like how me and StupidWhore discussed the existance of Heaven and Hell by their close ties with good and evil. It's way too complex to explain, we were talking for hours on it, so tonight, I gave the condensed version and Sarcasm and I got in a small debate about world affairs and the associated 'goods and evils'. We began discussing North Korea and how they can nuke Japan and are more than willing to. I then stated my mind.

Me "We should nuke the fuckers, they have done nothing but cause us problems since the Vietnam War, no, the Korean War."
Ms. Sarcasm "Yea, turn that area into a parking lot."
Me "Fucking turn that it to fucking glass."
Ms. Sarcasm "Hell yea."
Me "Turn it into a fucking glass marble."

It got a tad serious, but I lightened it up with my solution to the world's problems. Mind you, I've told this philosophy to a lot of people, some agree, some don't. It isn't a viable solution, in fact, it is absurd and completely unlikely, but I still think it would shut a lot of people up.

Me "If I were President, I would do this. I would have Canada- wait, fuck Canada, I would take them over, all they're doing is holding our nukes anyway... I would then take over Mexico, along with Central America and South America. After this, I would take over the parts of Europe that I liked, not our allies though, and then allllll of Africa, because of all the resources there, and then join up with Austrailia. Then, I would nuke the rest of the fucking planet. No more Asia or parts of Europe, then after I'm done, I'll let all the countries I took over go. I would just do that so there would be no complaints or efforts to stop me, maybe a few revolts, but whatever."
Ms. Sarcasm "You'd be assassinated before you even finished."
Me "Naw, if I have my hand on the button to launch the nukes and then am killed, I have no problem with it, my work was done."

Problem solved. We soon killed this discussion and went to play the second game of pool. I let Ms. Sarcasm break, even though I usually do, and it was pretty pathetic, but I played with what I had and we went on our merry way. The game went by pretty quick, until I got to the 8 ball. Leaf was watching us and decided to help Sarcasm because, well, she sucks hole. We were all having difficult times with our shots, no matter how simple or perfectly lined up they were. The cues we had were just that atrocious. I would have to say it took them about ten minutes to get two balls in and about fifteen for me to get the 8 ball in. I had so many perfect shots, they kept saying that they "fucked up and gave it to me" and I knew I was going to miss and what do you know, I miss. Bleh, it happens.

After finally finishing, Sarcasm wishes for us to go to her house and play games. She mentions playing Scrabble and Leaf's eyes light up. He had the biggest grin on his face and his face was bright enough to light up about three rooms. Sarcasm and I expected to hear "let's do it!" He starts to move toward her, eyes wide open, grinning ear to ear and exclaims "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" That fucker really didn't want to play Scrabble....

We clean up and leave and as we get to Ms. Sarcasm's house, she exclaims to her mother how she got offered a job and I interject with "she got offered a job because she has boobs!" Her mother found this hilarious. Her mother then tells me that extrEMO called. Um, uh oh? I went to my truck and found the cell phone sitting there with several missed calls. Apparently, she was able to go with us to Magoo's. Jeez...

The night pretty much ended after that. I fucking left the pizza at Sarcam's house and I'm kicking myself for that. Everytime I buy root beer or pizza for them, I fucking leave it at her house. I pay for this shit, I should keep it...keep up brain....bastid.

Final say: The night kicked ass...

Monday, November 29, 2004

Diljner Almost Throws Down With Immigrant

This little story starts off about a week ago. I'm sitting in the office, it's 11:30, almost time for my lunch break. When 12:00 rolls around, I'm gone. Now, I live right down the street from where I work, so today I decide to walk home for lunch instead of drive; I should also mention that I live/work in a new homes construction zone, so there are cars parked everywhere. So I'm walking down the car-clogged street when I notice a very shitty beat up little vehicle. I notice that it had some pretty rims. Upon closer inspection I notice that not only are they not rims, they're hubcaps, shiny, plastic hubcaps. And not only are they hubcaps... But they're 'spinner' hubcaps, you know, the kind you can get at Pep-Boy's for like 5 bucks? Anywho, I look around to make sure that the owner of the vehicle is nowhere around, the coast seems clear. So I start spinning the rear left hubcap. I'm laughing my ass off simply because this is the most Julio'd out car I've ever seen [Thanks for the word 'Julio' Leaf]. As I've about had my feel of dicking around with this guys car, the unthinkable happens, the whole fucking hubcap falls off. I jump back and I'm a bit scared. Somewhere, I hear this loud scream, like, "AAeeeeeyaaa!" All of a sudden this mexican guy, who I assumed was the owner of the vehicle runs at me screaming obscenities in Spanish. I'm like, "Guy, I don't understand you." Then the fucker pushes me... hard. That fucking did it. I was in mid-swing when two of his friends run up and grab us and separate before we fucker each other up. He was still trying to swing at me and break free of his friend's grip. Accepting that he was restrained, he fell back on his only other option... The motherfucker reared back... and spit a fucking loogie right on my hand. There we both go again, trying to break free of our restrainers, but to no avail. Another guy came and helped Asshole's friend get him out of there; they put him in a different car and drove off. I'd assume they went and had lunch... bastards. Anywho, Asshole's friend that was restraining me took me off to the side and explained to me that the guy who spit on me was his brother in law. Apparently Mr. Mad Spitter had been going through a rough time lately. The police had just raided his house for drugs the previous night and fucking arrested his girlfriend. So pretty much the hubcap incident was just the icing on the cake for him. I departed and finally made my way home. I sat down to some nice Mac'n'Cheese and watched judge Maybelline Ephrem hand people their asses.

A very memorable day indeed.