Saturday, November 20, 2004

Learn to Fucking Drive

How many of you out there have gotten so pissed off at a shitty driver that you wanted to ram their car to the side of the road, pull them out, no matter their age, and proceed to pummel the shit out of them till they cry rape? I know I have, in fact, this shit happens almost everyday in this horrible town called Bakersfield. I swear, if I have to drive behind another person who feels it's their right to drive 40 in a 55 zone, let alone the fuckin' FAST LANE... Oh Jesus, give me strength. I am not saying I am a perfect driver, but fuck people, use common sense. GAHHHHHH!!!

Now, Diljner has already stated in "The Day A Lot of Shit Happened [Parts 1 & 2]" that we are not racist, but however find no problem in saying potentially racist things in our stories. I will stand by this statement as I write this story because, well, in my eyes there are certain races that drive shittier than others. Mind you, I'm not referring to all the people of that particular race, but it has been an observation of mine that those races tend to drive like retards, and we all know why retards can't drive, right?

I have seen several things in my 'driving' days and sometimes I'm just flat out baffled how some people even received their license. Let me explain...


Story #1:
Alright, my mother is super anal about my driving when it comes to going up and down the Grapevine and traveling to Magic Mountain/LA/Ventura/whatever. Well, when she finally cut the leash and let me drive up there on my own, I decided to take a little trip to Magic Mountain with my friend and co-worker StupidWhore. We drove up there around, oh 9:30, but only stayed till 3:30 because we had ridden every roller coaster and it was fucking hot. Well, on the way back to Bakersfield, things seemed to be going quite well, until I got an eye of a Mexican in a Ram. God damnit do I HATE most Mexican drivers because they fuckin' drive like my grandmother and she drives by fuckin' brail[sp?], you know, when they drive to one side of the lane and you hear *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* and then they goes "oh" and turn the wheel enough to go to the other side and you hear the *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* again and they go back and repeat the process fuckin' the whole time you're going. Well, this prick isn't paying attention or something because he almost fuckin' side swipes me. I'll explain this, the tail of his truck got about 1 foot from hitting my truck before I hit the breaks and watched his ass keep going without a stutter. The gate for his bed was right about where the start of my door was, he didn't even have room to pass if he was God, and for about a minute after he did that I was saying to StupidWhore "it's a fuckin' Mexican, I know it, it's a fuckin' Mexican..." He nodded in agreement and stated that he thought the same thing. Then, I increased my speed to catch up the asshole and StupidWhore said, "yup, it's a Mexican." Amazing. This wasn't the only encounter I have had with a piss poor Mexican driver, but I don't need to embellish on that topic, I think I've made that point.


Story #2
This next story occurred on Tuesday, I believe, on the way to my school. This particular day, I decided to take a different route than usual because it was usually faster and I was running late. Well, low and behold, someone was in the fast lane driving slower than usual. Now, I am a little more used to this now than I was when I first started driving, so I waited it out, seeing if this person would change lanes or not. During this period, I couldn't believe the horridness of their driving, they were not only driving slow, but drifting slowly into the lane next to them and then hitting the breaks so they were going fucking slower than before. I said to myself "this bitch must be on her cell phone or something..." and continued my wait. About two minutes later, they realized that I was going to kill them if they didn't move and, slowly, moved to the left lane. I sped up and turned my head to look at them in pure defiance and what do you think happened...

"...Oh my God, she's Asian..."

Yes, I don't know what should have tipped me off first, the slow driving or the drifting. There was a deep desire in me to go crazy and run into her, but I soon suppressed this urge and continued my adventure to school.


Story #3-1,000,000
All old people suck at driving, I don't even need a fuckin' story to emphasize this point. If you ask me, after a person turns 55-60 [depending on their state of mind and competence] their license should be revoked and be forced to get a GETpass . There is no way in hell I'm ever getting into a car with my grandparents if I'm not driving...no way.


I bet you're all asking, "why don't you mention people on cell phones?" Oh, don't even get me started on these fuckers. If it was up to me, I would have a law set that bans the use of cell phones while driving, no matter what your age. I know you all agree with me, even those of you who own cell phones themselves, I bet you've gotten your share of rage at a person driving with their cell phone. I'd place a million dollars on it and know I'd win.


You know what, here are some ideas that the DMV should use when determining the capability of a driver:

Mexican applicants: Give them the benefit of the doubt, but test them at least three times with three different instructors to get a real judgment before giving them their license.

Asian applicants: Don't even bother giving these people the benefit of the doubt, you know they're going to suck ass at driving, but test them out anyway. The better of the group will probably show many mistakes and should be given a permanent provisional license [like the ones they give to minors]. The rest should be sent on their merry way to the GET bus station to get their GETpass.

Women applicants:Now, I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, so I'll make it short. Diljner and many other guys I know agree with me [and don't you fuckin' deny it Dilj] that women are usually horrible drivers, not all, but a lot. Hell, I don't like getting in the car with my mother or my sister [when she's in town] because they fuckin' drive like maniacs. I have to be proven to that a woman is confident in her driving before I will get in the passengers seat. Maybe my view is a little biased because my mom scares me shitless when she drives, but I dunno...

Haha, this reminds me of the other day, I at the stoplight on Old River, going North, about to cross Stockdale Highway when I turned to my right to see and older woman on her cell phone. I instantly thought "shouldn't have gotten her license" and proceeded to look to my left. I saw a young girl on her cell phone. The same thought went across my mind and I began to laugh.

Mexican/Asian/Woman applicants: There should be an alarm when someone of this caliber comes into the DMV [*ahem* extrEMO, hehe]. No way in hell should these people get their license, that's like aiding in vehicular manslaughter. If you want an instant pass to hell, give a Mexican/Asian/woman their license, I'll be sure to send you a thank you bomb for putting another one on the road.


As I close this story I'll leave you with this: I am in no way/shape/or form against people driving how they want, as long as it is within the law. I can guarantee you that I am a horrible driver myself and that I do a lot of shit that shouldn't be allowed. This whole idea came upon me because of the few drivers out there who piss me off tend to be Mexica, Asian, or women. White people suck at driving more than they'd like to admit, but fuck them, they suck anyway [ironic]. Haha, hopefully this story won't get me my ass handed to be.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcasm here...

You know, Dan, seeing as I know driving with you first hand you get severe road-rage at crappy women/asian/mexican drivers, I can't blame you for this entry. Haha, it's true anyways! Coming from a female, I admit most female drivers SUCK ASS at driving. It's usually the ones with all the bumper stickers that say shit like "I have PMS and a gun, any questions?".

I've also ran over a bush before, but in my defense, the bush flipped me off and needed to pay.

11:17 AM  
Blogger BloodDrain said...

Hahaha, that was one good laugh. I get a 2005 Lancer Evo-VIII for graduation. I dont think you'd want to drive with me, I'm a fucking maniac when I drive. I cut off people alot, drive 80 on the freeways, I guess you can say I'm a pretty confident driver. lol...when I have access to a car. Funny shit, I have a cell but I dont think people should drive and talk on their cell on at the same time. I dont know, its just causes more chaos.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Diljner said...

Ummmm... Robin? Yes, yes you mentioned the bush. But uh... What about the beaver you ran over huh? YES she ran over a fucking BEAVER! They don't even have arms... wait yes they do, but they're little and don't count as arms.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey now! I am a fucking mexian and I do not drive like shit but they are ALOT of assholes that cut me and drive fucking slow! it also pisses me off so much I wanna push their cars off the road with my truck!

S

10:36 PM  
Blogger Pants said...

It is the old asian women you have to look out for. They are like kamikaze pilots... The know their mission.... to piss you off or kill you... and they are determined to succeed.

10:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mexicanablance a.k.a.:yo masta

i miss my yellow truck now... i wanna go on an adventure! haha just like driving around with people... it's retarded but meh... i like it... weirdo eh? i drive like a saint bautch!

11:26 PM  

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