Saturday, December 04, 2004

"What the Fuck" Night # 267

It's safe to say that almost everytime my friends and I go out, we can basically count on a random hilarious moment just pop up out of nowhere; tonight was no exception. To get this one started off, let me give you the setting. Ms. Sarcasm and myself found ourselves to be in a bit of a perdicament, there was absolutely nothing to do. I tried calling around, but found my attempts to be useless, as usual, and I felt down, but I wasn't out. Thinking about pool and how much I rape, but always seem to lose [I'm cursed], I decide to ask Ms. Sarcasm if she would like to go. She wants to, but her mother says something about how the place I want to go to is...bad, no reasons need be given. So we decide to go to Magoo's, over by Ms. Sarcasm's house. Right before we decide to leave, who calls, but Leafblower. This is a fucking surprise since I tried to call him about four times before going over to Sarcasm's. He decides that he wishes to go with us to Magoo's to have some fun. I have Ms. Sarcasm call extrEMO, cause I didn't want to be a nuisance, but she was in trouble or something, so we figured we'd just go ahead and leave.

Not twenty minutes later, we arrive at Magoo's and get our fun on, but not before Leaf and I promptly clip our nails with Leaf's portable clippers; don't ask. We go in and wait for a second to order the food and pizza, and who ends up fishing out the most money for the food and entertainment? You guessed right, me. I have no problem with this, seeing that I love to entertain my friends and feel that they should be treated good, especially since I'm an ass, but I'm trying to be frugal, yea, let's just say that's not working. I love my friends, but they need to help me out better. Anyway, so Leaf and I try playing Street Fighter, but there were a few setbacks. His side didn't even work, so he didn't play, and my punch buttons and analog stick were being retarded, so I was kicking the whole time. Gey. We play a few more games, I choose a few songs from the juke box and we start chillin'. A few minutes later, Ms. Sarcasm and I start to play pool and I rape at it like usual. I believe I hit all but two balls in before she got one, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she sucks, the cues were just terrible. I didn't expect her to have a chance, hell, I didn't think that I would do that well. I win the first pool game after only like six minutes of play, yes, I show no mercy. She knows how I play, she should expect it by now.

Anywho, wouldn't you know it, but during the game, one of the workers from Magoo's comes up and just offers Ms. Sarcams a job, asking her age and whatnot. A switch in Leaf went off or something because when he heard this he was like "no fuck" and started laughing like always. He looked like he got really pissed too because he had this big ass scowl on his face. I believe he hated Ms. Sarcasm, even for just a short amount of time. You could tell he was frustrated, he just chuckled, rubbed the back of his head while he looked at the ground and gave me that look like "I'm fucking kill the bitch." Good times, good times. The sad thing about it was that Leaf really needs a job, yet what do you know, Sarcasm gets an offer. Fucking ironic. Still, I give it to her, she was the best lookin' girl there, so she deserves the attention. Better luck next time Leafy my boy.

We pick a few more songs and they soon finish and our food arrives. I start digging in, but I notice something with this pizza that I don't usually with others, it's fucking hot! My lord, this was making my mouth burn like I was eating chili peppers. Hot damn, but it was good, so I quickly laid waste to about three of those suckers before I got tired [mind you Magoo pizza slices are huge]. While we are sitting, Leaf asks me yet another of his brilliant questions...

Leaf "Would you have sex with John Madden for a billion dollars?!"
Me "Um....hrm...." [Looks to show signs of an affirmative answer]
Leaf "But after you were finished you had to watch the instant replay with him and he says 'look as I reach around during the rim job and give him a Rusty Trombone'..."
[We all begin to laugh]
Me "For a billion dollars? Yea... Would you?"
Leaf "Hell yea!! For an extra ten dollars I even might enjoy myself."
Me "For a billion and ten dollars?"
[Uncontrollable laughter from all parties]
Leaf "Yea..."

I soon ran out of my root beer and went to get a refill. We continued our talk about random shit, like how me and StupidWhore discussed the existance of Heaven and Hell by their close ties with good and evil. It's way too complex to explain, we were talking for hours on it, so tonight, I gave the condensed version and Sarcasm and I got in a small debate about world affairs and the associated 'goods and evils'. We began discussing North Korea and how they can nuke Japan and are more than willing to. I then stated my mind.

Me "We should nuke the fuckers, they have done nothing but cause us problems since the Vietnam War, no, the Korean War."
Ms. Sarcasm "Yea, turn that area into a parking lot."
Me "Fucking turn that it to fucking glass."
Ms. Sarcasm "Hell yea."
Me "Turn it into a fucking glass marble."

It got a tad serious, but I lightened it up with my solution to the world's problems. Mind you, I've told this philosophy to a lot of people, some agree, some don't. It isn't a viable solution, in fact, it is absurd and completely unlikely, but I still think it would shut a lot of people up.

Me "If I were President, I would do this. I would have Canada- wait, fuck Canada, I would take them over, all they're doing is holding our nukes anyway... I would then take over Mexico, along with Central America and South America. After this, I would take over the parts of Europe that I liked, not our allies though, and then allllll of Africa, because of all the resources there, and then join up with Austrailia. Then, I would nuke the rest of the fucking planet. No more Asia or parts of Europe, then after I'm done, I'll let all the countries I took over go. I would just do that so there would be no complaints or efforts to stop me, maybe a few revolts, but whatever."
Ms. Sarcasm "You'd be assassinated before you even finished."
Me "Naw, if I have my hand on the button to launch the nukes and then am killed, I have no problem with it, my work was done."

Problem solved. We soon killed this discussion and went to play the second game of pool. I let Ms. Sarcasm break, even though I usually do, and it was pretty pathetic, but I played with what I had and we went on our merry way. The game went by pretty quick, until I got to the 8 ball. Leaf was watching us and decided to help Sarcasm because, well, she sucks hole. We were all having difficult times with our shots, no matter how simple or perfectly lined up they were. The cues we had were just that atrocious. I would have to say it took them about ten minutes to get two balls in and about fifteen for me to get the 8 ball in. I had so many perfect shots, they kept saying that they "fucked up and gave it to me" and I knew I was going to miss and what do you know, I miss. Bleh, it happens.

After finally finishing, Sarcasm wishes for us to go to her house and play games. She mentions playing Scrabble and Leaf's eyes light up. He had the biggest grin on his face and his face was bright enough to light up about three rooms. Sarcasm and I expected to hear "let's do it!" He starts to move toward her, eyes wide open, grinning ear to ear and exclaims "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" That fucker really didn't want to play Scrabble....

We clean up and leave and as we get to Ms. Sarcasm's house, she exclaims to her mother how she got offered a job and I interject with "she got offered a job because she has boobs!" Her mother found this hilarious. Her mother then tells me that extrEMO called. Um, uh oh? I went to my truck and found the cell phone sitting there with several missed calls. Apparently, she was able to go with us to Magoo's. Jeez...

The night pretty much ended after that. I fucking left the pizza at Sarcam's house and I'm kicking myself for that. Everytime I buy root beer or pizza for them, I fucking leave it at her house. I pay for this shit, I should keep it...keep up brain....bastid.

Final say: The night kicked ass...


Blogger mexicanablanca said...


i wouldn't have sex with him... that's just nasty... maybe make out for twice as much but that's it.

1:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarcasm, Attorney At Law here...

We had a great fuckin' time... I DID NOT GET OFFERED THAT JOB BECAUSE OF MY BOOBS! My shirt wasn't tight, rather quite loose..and I was in jeans.. not like I was screaming "bang me sideways".

I'd do John Madden with a big black strapon for a billion dollars. Haha, don't give me too much shit for that..

3:39 PM  
Blogger Diljner said...

I'd do John Madden for half that... simply because I need the money... and come on guys he's not that bad. Can you say instant replay?

5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Sarcam's Wild Ride here...

Josh, that's disturbing not only for the fact I'm your girlfriend but for the fact it's a DUDE. Haha, but honestly, if it came down to it, I couldn't do J.M. for a billion. Well maybe I could, if I was blindfolded he didn't make noise and it was like 15 minutes maximum.

But then, the dreaded question: What would you say when someone asked you how you became a billionaire overnight?

1:38 PM  
Blogger BloodDrain said...

Hahaha....I agree with Linz. Thats sick! lol....Well I must get back to my homework. Tah!

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John Madden.... is it better or worse than Rosie O Donnel... ask yourself that question.


1:52 AM  

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