Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Make Computers Old People Proof

Not only should old people not be allowed near computers...



...but should be destroyed in a hail of gunfire for our amusement.


I can almost guarantee that most of you would read that statement, laugh your ass to oblivion, and then agree wholeheartedly that it is true, very very fucking true. Let me ask you, how many of you have tried to help your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles get their computer to be more serving for "them?" I know I have, several fucking times. My grandfather was so computer illiterate, I had to help him figure out how to start the computer, yes, start the mother fucking thing. I swear, I've wanted to slap him in the back of the head so many times, but from fear of physical injury, [he's a strong guy] I hold back....just for him. This also reminds me of when I had to teach my grandmother how to use the computer. I don't know if God was taunting me that period of time or if I was just having a long string of bad luck, but Jesus, that was a pain in the ass. I'm not going into her experience though, it's too painful.

Just recently, I was teaching my grandfather, [let's call him Chuck], how to use a digital camera and upload pictures onto his little P.O.S. Compaq. This, you would assume, would be easy; you take pictures and plug a little cord into the computer's USB port and *KABLAM* you're already pretty much done. No. No no no. *sigh* ....I don't even know how to start this.... Alright, when he got the camera I told him to take some sample pictures so that he could get accustomed to how the camera worked.

Me "Okay grandpa, take a picture of the tv..."
Chuck "How??!!?"
Me "What the hell do you mean 'how?' It's like a regular camera..."
Chuck "What do I press to take a picture?!"
Me "Have you used a regular camera before?"
Chuck "Yes..."
Me "Well then, it'd be the same button as on a regular camera."
Chuck "Ohhhh! I got it!"
Me "Good, now take a picture..."
Chuck "Okay..." [he puts it up to his face to take it] "Hey! Why isn't it working!"
Me "What? What are you talking about..."

I look at the camera and realize that he's not pressing the button, he's just pointing it at the TV and waiting for it to take the picture itself.

Me "....Grandpa, you really suck."
Grandma [Marilyn] "Hahahahaha, Chuck, don't be stupid."
Me "You guys are dumbasses, I'll come back tomorrow."

And yes, I really said that to them. They've gotten used to me getting frustrated and calling them names. Now, I doubt this little incident right here would kill the whole 'help my grandparents' idea, but it was sure a contributing factor.

Another very aggitating time in my life occured about a week ago, when I visited my grandparents after not seeing them for about a week. I had walked in, grabbed some food, played with my dog and watched TV with the old ones. Chuck all of a sudden remembered that he had to ask me how to do something. Take note that he's working with Ebay...yet he can barely upload pictures...

Chuck "When I upload pictures onto Ebay, I can't see them because the 'My Pictures' folder is blocking my view."
Me "Then why don't you move the window...?"
Chuck "NO! I'm asking how to get to the upload button!"
Me [My face is showing confusion at his rambling] "Um, you move the window like this..." [I move the window] "And see....you can upload now?"
Chuck "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Me "What the hell are you talking about? I showed you how to do this over a week ago."
Chuck "You did?!"
Me "What kind of shit do you hear me say when I teach you this stuff? Or do you ignore whatever I say?"
Chuck "Lose the tone, boy."
Me "What? I have to lose my tone, yet I have to re-show you this shit over and over?! Get over yourself old man, unless you want to teach this shit to yourself?"

I proceed to show him how to do it and he seems to be in awe, like someone just showed him the Holy Grail or some shit. Christ, I don't know what's worse, re-teaching him everything that I taught him five minutes prior or being stabbed in the face.

I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and all other older generation people living in my family, but the majority of them are dumbasses when it comes to electronics. I say we either have a ban on people over the age of 50 buying electronic equipment or we create a new type of software that anytime it detects the incompetancy of an old person using a computer, it gives them a nice jolt of electricity through the keyboard, let's say 10,000 volts. Yea, that ought to get their attention.

I found some related statements on the internet and I think they are quite true:

SomeNiggar "Call this an unfair generalization, but old people are no good at everything."

I can call this a very safe assumption.

By: curse on 12/14/2004 12:24:07 AM
My mom just got e-mail so I get ALL of those lovely forwards/chain mails...*

*Courtesy of your local Lambgoat.com

Don'tcha just LOVE family?!

....



ABloodDrain87: yeah, must be frustrating to explain [to] your grandpa [about] technology*
ABloodDrain87: lol
bLacK0psmAfiA: my god
bLacK0psmAfiA: i left out like a billion stories


*those mean they were added, she had bad grammar ;)

7 Comments:

Blogger Diljner said...

*concurs to the max* You've really hit the nail on the head with this post mang.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm yeah u have said some very true points. but my aunt who is 30 i think is just like that. so yeah..

but then again ..your family is nothing compared to mine.. haha

need i remind you that my mom birthday is 6666 and my one of my aunts birthday is 420. hmm yeah and thats only the start.. lol

9:14 PM  
Blogger BloodDrain said...

Hahaha...my grandparents are too mexican to even own a computer! Hahahaha....Anyhow....awesome awesome job on this post.

Shit...I'd be frustrated too if that was me. lol...Dan....I dont have grammar problem-os. I shwear! Keep up the awesome work! LBB will live on forever!!!!!

Always,
Brisa

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sarcasm-izzle here...

Skeet, skeet, Dan. You really keep it real with these posts... I remember trying to teach my mom how to work HER camera. I wanted to kill her by the time we were done.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous b0m | FreeKill said...

nice dan...good post...

yeah i rember when i had to help my mom with her laptop and all she needed was where to plug the usb cord in.......and its funny to cuzz my mom always says she is smart with computers cuzz she took one stupid ass class.......but im am helping her all the time....well nice post...keep it up

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and thats why i despise old people.... ~J

4:47 PM  
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7:22 PM  

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