Yea... Being Me Sucks Sometimes

I know I've ranted a lot about bad drivers, but I am not dumbfounded that I have found yet another reason to bitch and complain about these terrible nuisances.

Now, yesterday I picked up the Leafblower to hang out with him a little bit and have him help me clean the house just a little bit. I gave him an option to do the laundry [just folding] or if he wanted to clean the kitchen. He opted for laundry and it ended up taking him an hour and a half to get that shit done. In the meantime, I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and my bedroom. Anyway, the day played out like usual, we went by the mall to play at the arcade, but it was a hellhole thanks to the Christmas Season, so it took forever to get a parking spot. Actually, besides playing KoF, we also went clothes shopping for me. Yea, I know, that's really weird, since I haven't really bought new clothes in close to a year. This is just all the shit we did that led up to me being super pissed at yet another Mexican driver.

Alright, the time is close to ten o'clock, I think, and I'm driving North on Gosford, heading towards Truxtun Avenue. I had asked Leaf earlier which way we should take home and gave him two options, he chose, and it ended up being the poorer of the two choices, resulting in a longer trip home. This time, I asked him if we should go down Truxtun or Rosedale, but this time, no matter what he said, I was going down Truxtun, it's just faster. So,I get into the left-hand right turn lane to manuever from Gosford [or Coffee Rd.] to Truxtun and I begin my turn next to this guy in a huge old van. You know the ones, built like tanks with the little ladder on the back...yea. Well, as I'm turning onto the two lane Truxtun, Leaf suddenly says, "Uh, [Arrhythmia]..." I look over and that big ass van that was turning next to me drifts half way into MY fucking lane and fucking sideswipes me. I am now in complete disbelief to what had just happened. Seeing my dispair, Leaf automatically tries to cheer me up.

Leaf "Dude, [Arrhythmia], I'm your witness! I'm your witness! He was totally in the wrong."
Me [Silence]
Leaf "Yea dude..."
Me "I guess this is your Christmas present to me, being my witness, oh yea, and the fact you weren't going to get me anything anyway." [He chuckles] "Plus you owe me for paying for your haircut today."
Leaf "I was going to grab your wheel, but I didn't think that would be a good idea."
Me "Yea, we didn't have anywhere to go anyway. If I turned to the left, I would have went head-on into traffic. Oh yea, if you would have touched my wheel, I would have given you the What the Fuck[?] speech."

I get the guy to pull over and I get out of my truck and realize that my passenger side-view mirror is completely ripped off. I send Leaf off to fetch it out of traffic [hahaha]. He brings it back and the mirror is no where to be found, so I am left with a big hunk of useless plastic. Right as Leaf returns to my car, the guy gets out of his armored tank and comes out to confront me. This guy was roughly mid 50s, possibly early 60s, Mexican, and seemingly very incompetant in the ways of the English language. He knew how to speak it, but I don't understand slurred Spanglish gibbering that well. Idiot. This guy gives me a baffled look and starts the conversation off like this:

IncompetentMexi "What were you doing?"
Me [When he says this, I am completely taken aback and opt for the sarcastic answer] "I was WATCHING you hit me..."
IncompetentMexi "Hrm..." [He gives me yet another idiotic look and I suspect he doesn't know what the fuck to do. I'm fucking 18 and have never been in an accident and I ask for his information first...what a cunt]
Me "Hrm? What do you mean 'hrm'? You hit me!"

He walked over to his van and looked at it to see if there was any damage done. He sorta scans it and then says some shit about how the front bumper over his wheel is "scratched." I failed to see a scratch, but it was pretty dark and I wasn't up for an investigating...I'll leave that up to his insurance company. He then walks over to my truck with me and we examine it together.

IncompetentMexi "I don't really see anything wrong with your truck."
Me [Calm and collected, yet really pissed off] "Um, well for one thing, my mirror was ripped off and um see those collections of giant [fucking] scratches? Yea, those weren't there a two minutes ago." [I then touch the side of my truck and the paint disintegrates off of the door and covers my hand....I showed the guy and he just shruged it off...Gah, this guy is a total mother fucker]
IncompetentMexi "I really don't see much damage done."
Me [God smite his retarded ass for me...please? I then look at him in disbelief...fucktard *sigh*]

Leaf then comes up to me and comments on how I'm really calm about all of this and seemed weirded out by it. I asked him why and he said that he would be freaking if this happened to him, oh yea, and that I'm normally a spaz. Go figure. I then proceed to get this guy's information and somehow, I don't get his insurance information. I am a fucking moron...a COMPLETE fucking moron. I eventually got it about an hour later after calling like seven different numbers [this guy had terrible, terrible fucking handwriting. He blamed it on the darkness when he was writing, I blame it on the fact that he's a dumbshit].

We finally complete all of our shit and head off. I continue my way to Ms. Sarcasm's house [that's where we were headed in the first place] and once I get there, I called my parents. Yea, bad move, very bad move. Let's just say I got chewed out to the fucking highest degree. I then spend thirty minutes of my time calling this douche to get his insurance information. When this is done, I spend another hour and a half talking to his insurance company. Let this be a warning to all of you. Watch how you drive, accidents are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more trouble than they are worth. After this time, Ms. Sarcasm tells her mother what went down and she goes all apeshit and decides to take me on a tour of the neighborhoods to find this guy's house so I could get his license plate information. She is...how do I say this....she drives like a gremlin would with ADD, hyped up on PCP, and having drank about seven or eight Monser Energy Drinks. This is only one reason why I don't drive with other people. After we did our investigation and I got to almost hop a fence to get that shit, we went home and I got to deal with all the shit at home. It wasn't all that bad...and I got to go to Diljner's to have a LAN party. That story will come later. I'll actually post the pictures of the damage to my truck in like a week, so I can get the film developed.

GOD DAMN I HATE OLD MEXICAN DRIVERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH. I WISH I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MY CAR AND RAMMED HIS FUCKING VAN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER....NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMAGE DONE TO MY TRUCK. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ANGER....GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I SHOULD PETITION THIS SHIT AND BAN THESE FUCKERS FROM THE ROAD....*breathes*

Okay, I'm done...



Stupid incompetent Mexican bastard...ruined my truck...

Super Fuck-Ups

Sorry for the huuuuge delay in entries, I know how my adoring fan base can't continue existence without my brilliant stories. Yes, I am egomaniacal and I never plan on changing.

Anyway, this story is dedicated to the wonderful people at Supercuts. Oh, wait, did I say wonderful? I meant to say totally fucking stupid niggers who, even with a diploma from their "Academy for Cutting Hair Like Shit", can't seem to give a decent haircut, no where, no how. It just gets my juices flowing whenever I get a shitastic haircut from a place I pay fucking fourteen dollars to go. If I was expecting to get a piss poor cut at discounted prices, I would have gone to the Mod Hatter in the mall and gotten something from either the geriatrics that work there or the Latina whores.

I will actually get into my story now, since, I have already blown enough steam to power a fucking diesel engine going cross country. So, as I was saying, I get into this place and they take my name and I sit, expecting a thirty minute wait. As I'm sitting, some lady and her kid are sitting next to me discussing how he didn't do his homework and how he watched television all day. My parents and grandparents forced me to do homework right after school and look at me now, I'm still a major screw up in school. This kid was headed to being a fucked up middle-schooler experimenting with LSD or whatnot. I know I'm being a tad overzealous on my analysis, but kids nowadays are fucktards, so sue me. Anyway, I'm beginning to laugh, not only at his mother's extreme lack of discipline over her child, but the comments he's throwing back at her. At one time he mentions Cartoon Network and I immediately think of Adult Swim. I begin to laugh and she notices, looks over at me and the first words out of my mouth are "Cartoon Network ALL THE WAY!!!" Yea, this just solidifies that I'm a complete geek with no chance in Hell of ever getting a girlfriend....ever. After this, I talk to the mother a bit, rehash thoughts of my childhood, tell her how fucked up the teachers were with homework and how he seems to have it a little easier [don't ask why, I just felt that way at the time] and how it only gets worse. I could tell by her eyes she seemed....disappointed in the fact that her child was going to be challenged in the future. Oh well, if you have stupid children, you reap what you fucking sow.

Eventually, my name was called and a sigh of relief swept over me, for I felt I was in the clear. I couldn't have been more fucking wrong. I was in for some major torture, as it may seem, because the woman cutting my hair was as dense as a six-foot thick wall of mortar. I begin our encounter like so...

Me "I would like you to cut my sideburns a little shorter and blend them into my hair as it is now. [Lifts up hair covering half of sideburns] I have bald spots right here, [I'm blonde, so I have them] and I need you to blend them well enough not to show them."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh, I remember you. We did this to you a while back." [And they did a damn better job then too]
Me "Also, the back is a little long. Can you cut off like one-third of an inch so it doesn't look all mullet-y, that way I can keep the flip. Oh, and one more thing, the top is a little long, can you clean it up, not cut it, but clean it up?"
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Sure."

She starts off by going after my sideburns. All seems well at first, but all she did was make them not stick out so much, she didn't even fucking try to blend. Then, after like two seconds of work there, she goes after the back of my hair. I'm already in "What the Fuck" land and am hoping that this was going to, in some way, fit in with the scheme of my sideburns. I watch in horror as she surpasses the one-third margin I had given her not two minutes ago and start ruining my hairs beautiful shit; yes, I said beautiful. So, I'm already at a massive loss for words and my hair is taking damage like a nub in Counter-Strike. There is a sudden shift in the woman's movement, she moves from the back of my head, straight up to the front. Now, remember how I asked her to "clean up the front, but not cut," well that thought was shot to Fucktown. As I watch her grab my hair, I almost immediately knew what was in store. She grabs my hair, not a casual quarter inch just for clean up, but she grabs the massive half fucking inch. My hair was at my fucking eyes when she started, it was soon relocated to my forehead. Jesus Christ Almighty, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

My night was officially ruined there, I had gone in, expecting a casual clean-up and blend job, but by the time she was cutting my bangs, it became much more horrid. So, as my hair is cut to forehead length, I notice her start cutting the top of my head as well. I thought she was taking an awful lot off...just to blend. Damn. This made me ten different kinds of sad. I thought the worst was over, but to my dismay, I was wrong.

StupidHaircuttingBitch "So, does that look good to you?" [As she flips my hair a bit to let it settle]
Me "Uhhhhhhhh..." [Points] "This side is a little longer than that side..."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh! That's because you have a cowlick, let me fix that."

Let me get this fucking straight, it's because i have a COWLICK?! How does that even EXCUSE the fact that one side of my face had hair a half inch longer than the other side, yet you thought it looked good? And the fact that she blamed it on the cowlick...I have one on both sides, she cut one side already....your argument has been deemed "invalid" by the idiot police. Good day.

If there as such a time to slap your forehead because of extreme stupidity, now would be the time.

After correcting her obvious mistake, she was STILL not done. Apparently, she wanted to finish the job in the back, as if she hadn't already pissed me off enough that night... She grabs the clippers and starts like gently "brushing" the back so that my hair "wouldn't flip anymore." GAHHHH!! What the fuck, bitch?! DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TEN MINUTES PRIOR THAT I LIKED THE FLIP?!!?! GAHMOTHERFUCKERIWANTTOCHOKEYOU!!!! *Sigh* I was done. Emotionally drained and thoroughly pissed off, I had given up any hope of having a decent cut.

This story has already gone long enough, and you know what, it's still not over. After she does her shit to the back of my head, she starts aiming for the sideburns. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So she starts cutting, and I notice she's cutting awfully crooked, but don't bother thinking of it anymore cause my hair already looked fucked up. She then brushes me off with her horsehair thing and sends me on my way. I say "thank you" and tip her, being the polite bastard that I am, and go on my way home. I keep looking in my rear-view mirror because something is totally amiss in the whole scheme of things, but I can't put my finger on it. When I arrive home, this conversation drops:

Me "Mom, I'm back from my haircut..."
MotherDear "Let me see."
Me "It looks shitty, but okay..." [Takes off hat]
MotherDear "Yea, I don't like your haircut..."

That's her way of telling me that it looks like shit...

I go into my bathroom and take a shower, the hair that's all over me is getting on my nerves. After I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and am totally fucking horrified. My sideburns, that I thought were barely touched by that whore at Supercuts, were terribly misshapen and were cut at weird angles. On the left side, the blending is fine, but she like layered my sideburn to have two different like "thicknesses," thin and normal....God.... On the right side, the blending is cut at an angle so you can see the bald spot... in fact, there is no blending, she just plain fucked up. In fact, she did such a horrible job, I had to shave some of my sideburns off for them to look somewhat normal again....

For now on, I'm going to my mom's beautician or some shit. They get paid well and they know better than to fuck up my hair....or I'll go super-nazi on their ass....GRRRRR...



Conversation of the Day:
Me "Hello sir, how're you guys doing today?"
Customer "Good- [As he's handing me the Alexander tickets] YOU HAVE OCEAN'S TWELVE?! FUCK THAT!!!"
Me "You can refund your tickets up there sir..." [Points to box office]

StupidWhore is Named; Declared a Dick

Let me start this section off with an apology for the last post. I don't know if I was in a bad mood or if it was because it just wasn't a good story, but the last story I wrote sucked the big one. I plan on going back and revising it, but in the meantime I will write this one.

Alright, this story dates back several months ago, when Aliens v. Predator came out, in fact, that was the last movie I saw. Now, as many of you know, I work at a movie theatre [Edwards], so I get free movie tickets and thought it would be nice to take Diljner to the movies [hahahaha, sounds like fuckin' date *wink*]. I walked in with Diljner and decided to introduce him to StupidWhore because he plays Counter-Strike with us, and I wanted Dilj to know exactly who the nub I was calling my friend was. So as we walk up to him, he seems to be serving some customers, no big deal, we've talked many a conversation about things two insane people wouldn't talk about, ...in front of customers.

Me "Sup [StupidWhore], how's it going?"
StupidWhore "Sup [Arrhythmia], things are goin' good. You?"
Me "Oh, [points] I'm going to see Aliens v. Predator with [Diljner] there. You know him, he plays CS with me."
StupidWhore "Oh, okay..."
Me "Well later bro, I'm off to see the movie-"
StupidWhore "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HELPING SOME FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!" [I turn to Diljner and give him the biggest "what the fuck?" face you could possibly create with the muscles in your face]

I was completely taken aback by this outburst of anger. As StupidWhore said these words, he gave me and Diljner the worst stink-eye I've seen in a long time. It looked as if someone had bit off his dick and he was out for blood. Yea, it was that bad...

Me "Whoa bro, sorry, I was just saying bye..."
StupidWhore "Well, next time, don't..."
Me [Look of confusion...we always talk with customers around...starts to walk away]
Diljner "Whoa..." [His face showed the mass confusion that mine had done not five seconds before]
Me "I don't know what the hell is up."
Diljner "That guy's a dick."
Me "Usually he's not, but wow, yea, he's a dick."

A few hours later, Diljner and I walked out of the movie and proceded out the door. I avoided any eye contact with the douche master behind concessions, I had had enough of his pissiness for one day. I thought, "maybe when he gets the sand out of his vagina, then maybe I'll talk to him..." From that day forward, Diljner had the worst impression of StupidWhore. I've heard of bad impressions, but he just couldn't have done it worse.

Shortly after this incident happened, Diljner and I began writing the blog and I wanted to give another one of my co-workers, MexicanaBlanca, the name of StupidWhore, [she didn't even seem to have a problem with this name either], but Diljner declined, saying that "[StupidWhore] should get that name. Yea, he's a douche." I notably agreed and thus his name had been created and all was good. That'll teach him not to be a fucking fag in front of my friends that he doesn't know. He may regret it in the end.

Now-a-days, Diljner has no problem with StupidWhore, well, not as big of a problem. We all play CS at eZone, time and again, and we have a pretty good time. Now is my time to piss that mother fucker off though, because I flash his skinny ass so much, he fucking screams and starts tweakin' out like he overdosed.

What a fucking cunt...

"What the Fuck" Night # 267

It's safe to say that almost everytime my friends and I go out, we can basically count on a random hilarious moment just pop up out of nowhere; tonight was no exception. To get this one started off, let me give you the setting. Ms. Sarcasm and myself found ourselves to be in a bit of a perdicament, there was absolutely nothing to do. I tried calling around, but found my attempts to be useless, as usual, and I felt down, but I wasn't out. Thinking about pool and how much I rape, but always seem to lose [I'm cursed], I decide to ask Ms. Sarcasm if she would like to go. She wants to, but her mother says something about how the place I want to go to is...bad, no reasons need be given. So we decide to go to Magoo's, over by Ms. Sarcasm's house. Right before we decide to leave, who calls, but Leafblower. This is a fucking surprise since I tried to call him about four times before going over to Sarcasm's. He decides that he wishes to go with us to Magoo's to have some fun. I have Ms. Sarcasm call extrEMO, cause I didn't want to be a nuisance, but she was in trouble or something, so we figured we'd just go ahead and leave.

Not twenty minutes later, we arrive at Magoo's and get our fun on, but not before Leaf and I promptly clip our nails with Leaf's portable clippers; don't ask. We go in and wait for a second to order the food and pizza, and who ends up fishing out the most money for the food and entertainment? You guessed right, me. I have no problem with this, seeing that I love to entertain my friends and feel that they should be treated good, especially since I'm an ass, but I'm trying to be frugal, yea, let's just say that's not working. I love my friends, but they need to help me out better. Anyway, so Leaf and I try playing Street Fighter, but there were a few setbacks. His side didn't even work, so he didn't play, and my punch buttons and analog stick were being retarded, so I was kicking the whole time. Gey. We play a few more games, I choose a few songs from the juke box and we start chillin'. A few minutes later, Ms. Sarcasm and I start to play pool and I rape at it like usual. I believe I hit all but two balls in before she got one, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she sucks, the cues were just terrible. I didn't expect her to have a chance, hell, I didn't think that I would do that well. I win the first pool game after only like six minutes of play, yes, I show no mercy. She knows how I play, she should expect it by now.

Anywho, wouldn't you know it, but during the game, one of the workers from Magoo's comes up and just offers Ms. Sarcams a job, asking her age and whatnot. A switch in Leaf went off or something because when he heard this he was like "no fuck" and started laughing like always. He looked like he got really pissed too because he had this big ass scowl on his face. I believe he hated Ms. Sarcasm, even for just a short amount of time. You could tell he was frustrated, he just chuckled, rubbed the back of his head while he looked at the ground and gave me that look like "I'm fucking kill the bitch." Good times, good times. The sad thing about it was that Leaf really needs a job, yet what do you know, Sarcasm gets an offer. Fucking ironic. Still, I give it to her, she was the best lookin' girl there, so she deserves the attention. Better luck next time Leafy my boy.

We pick a few more songs and they soon finish and our food arrives. I start digging in, but I notice something with this pizza that I don't usually with others, it's fucking hot! My lord, this was making my mouth burn like I was eating chili peppers. Hot damn, but it was good, so I quickly laid waste to about three of those suckers before I got tired [mind you Magoo pizza slices are huge]. While we are sitting, Leaf asks me yet another of his brilliant questions...

Leaf "Would you have sex with John Madden for a billion dollars?!"
Me "Um....hrm...." [Looks to show signs of an affirmative answer]
Leaf "But after you were finished you had to watch the instant replay with him and he says 'look as I reach around during the rim job and give him a Rusty Trombone'..."
[We all begin to laugh]
Me "For a billion dollars? Yea... Would you?"
Leaf "Hell yea!! For an extra ten dollars I even might enjoy myself."
Me "For a billion and ten dollars?"
[Uncontrollable laughter from all parties]
Leaf "Yea..."

I soon ran out of my root beer and went to get a refill. We continued our talk about random shit, like how me and StupidWhore discussed the existance of Heaven and Hell by their close ties with good and evil. It's way too complex to explain, we were talking for hours on it, so tonight, I gave the condensed version and Sarcasm and I got in a small debate about world affairs and the associated 'goods and evils'. We began discussing North Korea and how they can nuke Japan and are more than willing to. I then stated my mind.

Me "We should nuke the fuckers, they have done nothing but cause us problems since the Vietnam War, no, the Korean War."
Ms. Sarcasm "Yea, turn that area into a parking lot."
Me "Fucking turn that it to fucking glass."
Ms. Sarcasm "Hell yea."
Me "Turn it into a fucking glass marble."

It got a tad serious, but I lightened it up with my solution to the world's problems. Mind you, I've told this philosophy to a lot of people, some agree, some don't. It isn't a viable solution, in fact, it is absurd and completely unlikely, but I still think it would shut a lot of people up.

Me "If I were President, I would do this. I would have Canada- wait, fuck Canada, I would take them over, all they're doing is holding our nukes anyway... I would then take over Mexico, along with Central America and South America. After this, I would take over the parts of Europe that I liked, not our allies though, and then allllll of Africa, because of all the resources there, and then join up with Austrailia. Then, I would nuke the rest of the fucking planet. No more Asia or parts of Europe, then after I'm done, I'll let all the countries I took over go. I would just do that so there would be no complaints or efforts to stop me, maybe a few revolts, but whatever."
Ms. Sarcasm "You'd be assassinated before you even finished."
Me "Naw, if I have my hand on the button to launch the nukes and then am killed, I have no problem with it, my work was done."

Problem solved. We soon killed this discussion and went to play the second game of pool. I let Ms. Sarcasm break, even though I usually do, and it was pretty pathetic, but I played with what I had and we went on our merry way. The game went by pretty quick, until I got to the 8 ball. Leaf was watching us and decided to help Sarcasm because, well, she sucks hole. We were all having difficult times with our shots, no matter how simple or perfectly lined up they were. The cues we had were just that atrocious. I would have to say it took them about ten minutes to get two balls in and about fifteen for me to get the 8 ball in. I had so many perfect shots, they kept saying that they "fucked up and gave it to me" and I knew I was going to miss and what do you know, I miss. Bleh, it happens.

After finally finishing, Sarcasm wishes for us to go to her house and play games. She mentions playing Scrabble and Leaf's eyes light up. He had the biggest grin on his face and his face was bright enough to light up about three rooms. Sarcasm and I expected to hear "let's do it!" He starts to move toward her, eyes wide open, grinning ear to ear and exclaims "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" That fucker really didn't want to play Scrabble....

We clean up and leave and as we get to Ms. Sarcasm's house, she exclaims to her mother how she got offered a job and I interject with "she got offered a job because she has boobs!" Her mother found this hilarious. Her mother then tells me that extrEMO called. Um, uh oh? I went to my truck and found the cell phone sitting there with several missed calls. Apparently, she was able to go with us to Magoo's. Jeez...

The night pretty much ended after that. I fucking left the pizza at Sarcam's house and I'm kicking myself for that. Everytime I buy root beer or pizza for them, I fucking leave it at her house. I pay for this shit, I should keep it...keep up brain....bastid.

Final say: The night kicked ass...