Thursday, September 30, 2004

Diljner Becomes Lazy Ass; Leafblower Encounters Fags [Again]

Diljner is being a sluggish, lazy bastard, so I don't really know when you'll see a new post from him, but most of you who read this because of my work I figure. So here you go, a new post from Arrhythmia!


This will probably be a quicker story than normal, seeing that Leafblower basically told it to me. No, I'm sorry, he saw it happen and wrote it down on some note cards [rolls eyes].

::Leaf's big story::

Two fags get on the bus; one looks like a wino. He has a tall can in a paper bag [beer]. The other is a youthful tattooed gangers looking fag.

This Is Their Story

Gangster Fag "We're going the wrong way!"
Wino Fag "Oh, just enjoy the ride."
GF "The last time you told me that I got AIDS!"
WF "Oh, shut up!"

Wino fag gets up and talks to the bus driver. He realizes they are on the wrong bus. As he gets off he tells his lover...

WF "Come on..."
GF "Don't tell me what to do!"
WF "Then stay on the bus and go to Foothill. You always do this to me in front of people..."



Lord that was a gay story. You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to unleash this plague of queerness onto you. And remember! Leaf wrote that, not me.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Leafblower Vs. The Fag

Lemme get into this story with a little bit of information coming from about 6 years back. A guy I knew, known distinctively as "The Fag", [aka TF], went to Jr. High [Warren] with me during my 7th grade year and the first half of my 8th grade year before transferring to Thompson Jr. High [supposedly]. Ok, well, in Jr. High, everyone basically made fun of him for being ...well, different, or should I say gay? Well, he always denied this, but there was always some sort of indication that he was, well, lying.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, TF transferred from some LA county school of Arts or some bullshit back to my school in Bakersfield. Well, I was sorta surprised to see him, seeing that I haven't seen him in close to 4 years. To tell you the truth, he sorta looked the same; same height, size, even the same queerness. I sorta felt bad for making fun of him all those years back, so I decided to talk to him. He had a lisp to his voice [seriously, I should have figured] and was all wavery like a fag.

Now let me get this one thing straight, when I say fag, I'm not trying to be rude to gay people, but he was seriously just that gay. I'll give you an example:

My friend Oigres is gay, he acts, talks, and does shit any other guy would do, except, he's attracted to men [*shivers*]. TF is different by this standard, he talks like a chick, he walks like a chick, he comments on stupid bullshit only girls would be offended by, and he just displays himself like a woman. There you have it, the difference between gay and fag.

Well after establishing a sort of communication with TF, he meets my very good friend, yes, you guessed it, Leafblower. Over the course of my senior year, I encountered, as well as heard several different meetings between Leaf and TF.

Encounter 1:
TF [Walks up to area where Leaf and others are sitting and gets bombarded by insult after insult]
Leaf [Makes fun of TF again]
TF [Angry, faggish voice] "Sometimes, I just wish I could set people on fire with my mind!!!"
Leaf "Then we'd all be flamers dude?!"

Encounter 2:
TF was explaining to us the fundamentals of being gay, like his sex life. I didn't know it was possible for someone who looks like him to have a sex life.
Leaf "So TF, when you're doing ...that ...what position do you play?"
TF "I do a little of both, pitching and catching."
Leaf & Arrhythmia [Stare in disbelief and start laughing uncomfortably, that's some nasty shit]

Encounter 3:
Leaf was walking down the hall when he sees TF across the way.
Leaf [Raises hand to wave] "Hey TF!"
TF [In most feminine and lispy of voice] "Hey you!" [As he says this, he flicks his wrist in the usual fashion]
After doing this, Leaf decides to bust a nut laughing and tell everyone he knows, including me ...twice.

Encounter 4:
Leaf "TF, you're such a fag."

Never in my life have I seen such hostility and hilarity from two people meeting and conversing. Hey, you never know, maybe these two were meant for each other [sorry Leaf {Laughs}].

[**We had one other encounter at our graduation, but all we did was say hi and take a picture. When I actually find this picture, I'll make sure to post it. Also, you may have seen TF on television, he was on the Doctor Phil show...I feel bad for him, he's had a rough life**]

P.S.: Atreyu4301: I hated [TF]. {That's Diljner}

Leafblower and Arrhythmia Venture Into 'Gang Territory'

Right-o, here we go. Leafblower and I had taken a trip, a trip to Bakersfield College some five months a go, (by the way, this was our first time going). BC is a community college some thirty minutes away from where I live. Now, when I go to BC, it takes a lot of patience, seeing that there are several different routes you can take to get there. Eventually though, you seem to always end up on the 178, (excluding if you take 7th Standard).

Okay, we took the thirty minute trip up there and got lost because Leaf was confident in his "sure-fire directions". These directions actually got us goin’ the wrong way [insert smartass remark here]. Finally, after thirty more minutes of searching, Leaf and I arrive at BC to take our assessment test. This test was to see where we would land in the English/Math/Reading sections of the school, or basically to see if high school taught us nothing. We figured we did pretty well and after wising up to Leaf's directions idea, I decide to find my own way home. I went and thought I would take Haley; that would soon make itself clear that that was a bad choice of reason.

It is now around 8 or 9 at night and it's getting pretty dark, so, me, in my infinite wisdom decide to drive down the road with my windows down and my music blaring. [*Side note: I'm on the East side, don't EVER do that on the East side when listening to metal/hardcore/whatever; they don't like it]. So I'm heading South on Haley, I didn't really know that you could get on the 178 West at the intersection, being new to the area and all, so I proceed forth taking Haley as it turned West. When we turn west, the road turns sorta hilly and we start passing all these old and dirty houses and like gas stations. All of a sudden Leaf decides to freak ...

Leaf "Oh shit! This is the Loooma territory!"
Me "The what territory?" [He said it in that terrifying way that you see in horror films, and the way he emphasized and exaggerated it into a long drawn out "Loooooma" scared me even more ...]
Leaf "The Loma territory!"
[*Side note: Loma means hills in Spanish]
Me "What the hell are the Loma?"
Leaf "It's a gang around here, I would know, I used to live around this area ..."
Me "Holy shit!"

I then decide that music was going to go "bye-bye" and I shut off my radio the second I heard the news. I then went on to roll up my window; Leaf followed suit. Leaf then decided to bombard me with a story about the area. I was already tweakin' out because, well, if you couldn't tell, I'm not a fan of the 'gang-area'. He decided to tell me this:

Leaf "This guy was driving down this road, right around where we are with his windows down, when all of a sudden this guy jumps in through his window WHILE THE VEHICLE WAS MOVING, stabs him and then throws him out of the car and takes it."
[**I don't know if that's exactly what he said, but it’s the essence of it**]

With Leaf's new told story and my new found terror, I drive as quickly as I can without driving too fast over the speed limit like a gremlin on crack. I'm lookin' this-a-way and that-a-way, spottin' Mexican after Mexican, [reminder, it is dark], and wondering to myself "Is he a Loma ...!" We finally make it to Niles and I have no clue in hell where I am, so I flip a U and take myself back to Columbus with the same twitchy eye thing goin' on. My only thought was "Why did he even have to tell me that!"

Finally we make it back to Mount Vernon and I take the 178 West home. I'm so shaken up by this that I sorta just daze out. I don't remember much of the rest of the night. Needless to say, I don't go that way anymore when I'm leaving from BC. Sure I'll take Haley, but screw the westward shift in the street; it's the 178 from now on.


One good thing did come out of it though, I tested into English B1A, the highest reading course, (Reading 6 I believe), and Math Analysis, even though I took it already. Leaf did well too.

Well, that's it ...Leaf and I survived our trip to the 'gang territory'. Sadly, we acted like babies the whole time we were in it.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Mr. Grasshopper

In the last post, Diljner described Leafblower's painful encounter with the wall at our hotel room. Well, I have a different story that has pretty much to do with the same thing as before...

...bugs.

Now, me, Diljner, and Leafblower had come with my parents on a cruise a few weeks into June as a sort of Senior Trip. After our little escapade on the ship, we all visited my sister and brother-in-law at the Boluxi, Mississippi, US Air Force base. The guys decided to stay the night at my sister's house the first night while my parents stayed at some on-site motel. After being awaken by my nephew the following day, we all decided that we would sleep in the room opposite of my parents the next night.

We all had a good night sleep, staying up till about 3 a.m. seeing as we were all excited about going home the next day. The next morning, we all got up, packed our shit, and took it out to our rent-a-car, which wasn't a car at all, but rather a bulky ass SUV. As we are packing our shit in the trunk, when I notice a noise, sort of like that of a cricket. The boys and I find the bug not two seconds later and Leaf decides to try to capture the sucker, despite it being a bug. I thought this odd so I decided to ask him what was up ...

Me "Dude, I thought you were afraid of bugs, why are you trying to catch it?"
Leaf "Oh, it's a cricket. If I just try to catch it, it doesn't bug me."

I had thought this to be odd, so I look at the bug and concluded that it was, in fact, not a cricket, but a grasshopper. Me, thinking nothing of it, decide to tell Leaf of his misjudgement of the type of bug it was.

Me "Um ....Leaf, that's not a cricket, thats a grasshopper..."
Leaf "What?!" [Leaf backs away from the trunk of the SUV, then starts to do some wierd ass chuckle]
Me "What's the big deal? It's just a grasshopper ...hell, you even tried to grab it when you thought it was a cricket."
Leaf [A little freaked out] "A GRASSHOPPER IS NOT THE SAME AS A CRICKET!!"
Me [Creates a puzzled look, then forwards attention to Diljner for his response]
Leaf "Yea, grasshoppers are more green and all slick."

After this, I try to capture the tiny invader and it jumps onto the back window. Leaf and Diljner are just sorta standing there and I decide to go to the outside of the window and flick right where the grasshopper is. *flick* The hopper flies from its position and lands right on Leaf's left shoulder.

Leaf [Screams like a ten year old girl, literally like a ten year old girl with an extremely shrill voice]
Diljner & Me [Stare for a second and bust our nuts laughing]

As soon as Leaf screamed, he knocked the hopper off and it falls on the ground and he pummels it into oblivion; fucking oblivion. Imagine this, bugs have exoskeletons, eyes, legs, feelers, guts, and all sorts of other assorted goodies. Well the scene of it was this: the grasshopper was a neonish green, well the blob on the ground was that color, but nothing else resembled a fuckin' grasshopper. Excuse me while I say "what the fuck?" I mean, there was no sign of the previously mentioned items. No scrunchy exoskeleton, no legs, not even fucking guts. It was like a chunky, thick, green blob of goo.

Way to go Leaf, you decimated a fuckin 3 centimeter insect. Feel proud, feel really proud.


As an extra goody:
This one is short. Leaf and I were in my truck, turning at the White Lane/Old River intersection. As we were waiting for the light to turn green, a moth flew into my truck, seeing as we keep our windows down all the time. It flutters around and I hear Leaf grunt a little bit. When I look over, Leaf is swatting at the air and going "Uhhh. Ughhghghhhhhh. Uh!". Then I see the moth and he's freakin' out in his usual manner. Then it flies by me and he swats and fuckin' hits me in the head right as the light turns green. This isn't just a hit, its a fuckin' SLAP! I then try to knock the little bastard out the door and finally do it successfully shortly after my first attempt, unlike my uncoordinated friend. When asking him why he was freaking out over a moth, (because this was the first time I saw him react to a bug like that), he said:

Leaf "Cause it has all that powdery stuff on it!!!"



...*sigh*

Sunday, September 26, 2004

The Lesbian Crisis

As it stands, this is officially the first post for this blog, so I'll start you beautiful people off with a teaser as well as a pleaser.

Now, me and my buds live in Bakersfield, California. In Bako, there is a little outdoor plaza called "The MarketPlace". We were sitting over by the Blockbuster, Starbucks, and some other food joints with a few of my friends when Leafblower notices two girls, who, in a rare moment of blissful beauty, were holding hands and making coo faces like they were about to pounce on each other and create some sort of lesbian porno.

[Side Note: They were both blonde]

After this defining moment, Leaf decides that when they leave the Mexican establishment they entered to buy food, that he was going to talk to them. Well, knowing me and Diljner, we egg his ass on as much as possible to do it. He seemed to lose his balls right after he stated his intentions.

Minutes went by, the lesbos got their food and went outside to eat and sat about two tables away from us. Leaf continued his bullshit by pussing out on his mission. This moved from something he would do to a complete dare. Dare or not, this fucker didn't seem like he was going to pull through for the 'ol team. I decided I didn't want to wait anymore and after saying "go talk to those lesbians" real loud, the situation seemed to get even more frustrating. He apparently thought they heard me say that cause they "looked toward us". Well, that's what he said at least. Moments later, I proceded with daring him.

Me "I dare you, no wait, I double dog dare you, eh, I'll TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!"
Leaf [Laughs his stupid laugh] "This isn't fuckin' A Christmas Story."
Me "Whatever, just go do it."

We exchanged a few more words, but nothing substantial enough to change the fact he was pussing out. By this point, he seemed sure that he lost his balls entirely...

Leaf "I think my balls have gone into my stomach and turned into ovaries..."

This made us all crack up and...Jesus, he admited to being a woman, what a fag. Cutting this down just a tad, Leaf finally got up to talk to the lesbos as they were throwing away their remains and leaving. This is what was said:

Leaf "You guys are hot!"
Lesbos "Thank you..."[awkward looks]
Leaf [Returns to table]
Me "Whadya say?!"
Leaf "You guys are hot."
[Diljner and I are cracking up]
Me "That's it?! That's all you said? You suck ass dude."
[This continues for a few more seconds, lesbos start to leave area]
Leaf "Bye!"
Lesbos "Bye..."[awkward looks, yet again]

The conversation after that seemed to go downhill. We just couldn't get over the sheer queerness of Leaf. He seriously didn't pull through as promised. Diljner went home and Leaf went home with me. Night ended and we all had our laughs.

Haha mother fuckers...

By the way, 20 minutes before the lesbos arrived, Leaf was rolling up his sleeves and tucking the bottom of his shirt in his collar with a pink comb stuck in his carpet-like hair. Now do you see why I question his sexuality sometimes? *sigh*
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