Thursday, September 30, 2004

Leaf Attempts Parenthood, Fails Miserably

Well, I decided to get off of my "lazy ass" and post another story. [Damn Arrhythmia breathing down my neck :D] This story takes place in Biloxi, Mississippi, on the air-force base there. This is right around the corner from where "Mr. Grasshopper" happened. After a hard day of water-skiing, eating pizza and playing FarCry, it's time for some sleep. We're freakin’ tired. Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I, are people who enjoy sleeping in. Morning time rolls around and each of us wakes up to an open handed smack in the fucking face. A limp, relatively unpainful slap. I thought I was being assaulted by geriatric homos. But, alas it was Arrhythmia's little nephew. We'll call him Tard-Baby. This baby is never unhappy. When I have a kid, I want it to behave like this one. He's always begging for hugs and shit. Well, Tard-Baby takes a particular liking to Leaf. Every time Tard-Baby tries to get Leaf's attention, he gets ignored. Leaf acts like the baby will give him flesh eating virus. Later that day, the three of us we're having some conversation before leaving. Tard-Baby sneaks up on Leaf for some huggins. Leaf freaks the hell out, he jumped away like he got cooties with a very stern face and started his weird ass chuckling again [He does it a lot and it’s like the only way he laughs]. I was half expecting Leaf to start throwing punches. The funny thing is, I think Tard-Baby could have taken him. So among the many things Leaf does not like, babies are up there with bugs I suppose.

I feel sorry for Leaf's future children.

"Daddy never hugged me!"

Atreyu4301: pretty short
sXeSicnessForevr: haha lazy fuck
sXeSicnessForevr: hahah
Atreyu4301: LMAO

Diljner Becomes Lazy Ass; Leafblower Encounters Fags [Again]

Diljner is being a sluggish, lazy bastard, so I don't really know when you'll see a new post from him, but most of you who read this because of my work I figure. So here you go, a new post from Arrhythmia!

This will probably be a quicker story than normal, seeing that Leafblower basically told it to me. No, I'm sorry, he saw it happen and wrote it down on some note cards [rolls eyes].

::Leaf's big story::

Two fags get on the bus; one looks like a wino. He has a tall can in a paper bag [beer]. The other is a youthful tattooed gangers looking fag.

This Is Their Story

Gangster Fag "We're going the wrong way!"
Wino Fag "Oh, just enjoy the ride."
GF "The last time you told me that I got AIDS!"
WF "Oh, shut up!"

Wino fag gets up and talks to the bus driver. He realizes they are on the wrong bus. As he gets off he tells his lover...

WF "Come on..."
GF "Don't tell me what to do!"
WF "Then stay on the bus and go to Foothill. You always do this to me in front of people..."

Lord that was a gay story. You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to unleash this plague of queerness onto you. And remember! Leaf wrote that, not me.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Leafblower Vs. The Fag

Lemme get into this story with a little bit of information coming from about 6 years back. A guy I knew, known distinctively as "The Fag", [aka TF], went to Jr. High [Warren] with me during my 7th grade year and the first half of my 8th grade year before transferring to Thompson Jr. High [supposedly]. Ok, well, in Jr. High, everyone basically made fun of him for being ...well, different, or should I say gay? Well, he always denied this, but there was always some sort of indication that he was, well, lying.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school, TF transferred from some LA county school of Arts or some bullshit back to my school in Bakersfield. Well, I was sorta surprised to see him, seeing that I haven't seen him in close to 4 years. To tell you the truth, he sorta looked the same; same height, size, even the same queerness. I sorta felt bad for making fun of him all those years back, so I decided to talk to him. He had a lisp to his voice [seriously, I should have figured] and was all wavery like a fag.

Now let me get this one thing straight, when I say fag, I'm not trying to be rude to gay people, but he was seriously just that gay. I'll give you an example:

My friend Oigres is gay, he acts, talks, and does shit any other guy would do, except, he's attracted to men [*shivers*]. TF is different by this standard, he talks like a chick, he walks like a chick, he comments on stupid bullshit only girls would be offended by, and he just displays himself like a woman. There you have it, the difference between gay and fag.

Well after establishing a sort of communication with TF, he meets my very good friend, yes, you guessed it, Leafblower. Over the course of my senior year, I encountered, as well as heard several different meetings between Leaf and TF.

Encounter 1:
TF [Walks up to area where Leaf and others are sitting and gets bombarded by insult after insult]
Leaf [Makes fun of TF again]
TF [Angry, faggish voice] "Sometimes, I just wish I could set people on fire with my mind!!!"
Leaf "Then we'd all be flamers dude?!"

Encounter 2:
TF was explaining to us the fundamentals of being gay, like his sex life. I didn't know it was possible for someone who looks like him to have a sex life.
Leaf "So TF, when you're doing ...that ...what position do you play?"
TF "I do a little of both, pitching and catching."
Leaf & Arrhythmia [Stare in disbelief and start laughing uncomfortably, that's some nasty shit]

Encounter 3:
Leaf was walking down the hall when he sees TF across the way.
Leaf [Raises hand to wave] "Hey TF!"
TF [In most feminine and lispy of voice] "Hey you!" [As he says this, he flicks his wrist in the usual fashion]
After doing this, Leaf decides to bust a nut laughing and tell everyone he knows, including me ...twice.

Encounter 4:
Leaf "TF, you're such a fag."

Never in my life have I seen such hostility and hilarity from two people meeting and conversing. Hey, you never know, maybe these two were meant for each other [sorry Leaf {Laughs}].

[**We had one other encounter at our graduation, but all we did was say hi and take a picture. When I actually find this picture, I'll make sure to post it. Also, you may have seen TF on television, he was on the Doctor Phil show...I feel bad for him, he's had a rough life**]

P.S.: Atreyu4301: I hated [TF]. {That's Diljner}

Leafblower and Arrhythmia Venture Into 'Gang Territory'

Right-o, here we go. Leafblower and I had taken a trip, a trip to Bakersfield College some five months a go, (by the way, this was our first time going). BC is a community college some thirty minutes away from where I live. Now, when I go to BC, it takes a lot of patience, seeing that there are several different routes you can take to get there. Eventually though, you seem to always end up on the 178, (excluding if you take 7th Standard).

Okay, we took the thirty minute trip up there and got lost because Leaf was confident in his "sure-fire directions". These directions actually got us goin’ the wrong way [insert smartass remark here]. Finally, after thirty more minutes of searching, Leaf and I arrive at BC to take our assessment test. This test was to see where we would land in the English/Math/Reading sections of the school, or basically to see if high school taught us nothing. We figured we did pretty well and after wising up to Leaf's directions idea, I decide to find my own way home. I went and thought I would take Haley; that would soon make itself clear that that was a bad choice of reason.

It is now around 8 or 9 at night and it's getting pretty dark, so, me, in my infinite wisdom decide to drive down the road with my windows down and my music blaring. [*Side note: I'm on the East side, don't EVER do that on the East side when listening to metal/hardcore/whatever; they don't like it]. So I'm heading South on Haley, I didn't really know that you could get on the 178 West at the intersection, being new to the area and all, so I proceed forth taking Haley as it turned West. When we turn west, the road turns sorta hilly and we start passing all these old and dirty houses and like gas stations. All of a sudden Leaf decides to freak ...

Leaf "Oh shit! This is the Loooma territory!"
Me "The what territory?" [He said it in that terrifying way that you see in horror films, and the way he emphasized and exaggerated it into a long drawn out "Loooooma" scared me even more ...]
Leaf "The Loma territory!"
[*Side note: Loma means hills in Spanish]
Me "What the hell are the Loma?"
Leaf "It's a gang around here, I would know, I used to live around this area ..."
Me "Holy shit!"

I then decide that music was going to go "bye-bye" and I shut off my radio the second I heard the news. I then went on to roll up my window; Leaf followed suit. Leaf then decided to bombard me with a story about the area. I was already tweakin' out because, well, if you couldn't tell, I'm not a fan of the 'gang-area'. He decided to tell me this:

Leaf "This guy was driving down this road, right around where we are with his windows down, when all of a sudden this guy jumps in through his window WHILE THE VEHICLE WAS MOVING, stabs him and then throws him out of the car and takes it."
[**I don't know if that's exactly what he said, but it’s the essence of it**]

With Leaf's new told story and my new found terror, I drive as quickly as I can without driving too fast over the speed limit like a gremlin on crack. I'm lookin' this-a-way and that-a-way, spottin' Mexican after Mexican, [reminder, it is dark], and wondering to myself "Is he a Loma ...!" We finally make it to Niles and I have no clue in hell where I am, so I flip a U and take myself back to Columbus with the same twitchy eye thing goin' on. My only thought was "Why did he even have to tell me that!"

Finally we make it back to Mount Vernon and I take the 178 West home. I'm so shaken up by this that I sorta just daze out. I don't remember much of the rest of the night. Needless to say, I don't go that way anymore when I'm leaving from BC. Sure I'll take Haley, but screw the westward shift in the street; it's the 178 from now on.

One good thing did come out of it though, I tested into English B1A, the highest reading course, (Reading 6 I believe), and Math Analysis, even though I took it already. Leaf did well too.

Well, that's it ...Leaf and I survived our trip to the 'gang territory'. Sadly, we acted like babies the whole time we were in it.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Leafblower Busts a Move; Pre-teen Retards Get Their Shit Ruined...

If ever in our stories you hear us speak of "The Trip", we're referring to the summer vacation the three of us took to New Orleans, Mexico, Mississippi and some southern fucking back-water, tobacco chewing part of Louisiana where we did a swamp tour. This particular story takes place on the cruise ship. Now, Carnival Cruise Lines are very accommodating to their patrons, they hold Limbo tournaments, a 24/7 food court, an arcade, and even this marginally-cool disco. Now, from reading the schedule list of upcoming events that was placed in our room each morning by Wayne, (Who was the shit by the way), we learned of the disco. We were tossing around the idea of going, knowing full well it would be absolutely permeated with 12 year old retards and tons of fucking washed-out, overplayed rap music. "Well, fuck it lets go anyways", we said. So, we suit up in our pimp-gear and stroll down to the disco. What did we see? Pre-teens, and lots of ‘em. There was this little group of preenie sluts dancing for all to see. You know the kind, scantily clad little cretins *freak-dancing*. Leafblower, Arrhythmia, and I were laughing at this. There were some girls close to our age in there. These girls, none of us, (and when I say none of us, I mean Arrhythmia and I, Leaf would have banged the fuck out of them) would have touched with a 10 foot pole. I think they had the clap, because there was this smell in the air that wasn't refreshing.

Anyway, we sit down on some of the couches they have set up towards the front of the establishment, away from the dance floor. That particular night didn't look like it was going to get interesting. As the minutes go by, the place starts filling up with marginally good-looking girls, and their douche-bag boyfriends, the whole she-bang. Arrhythmia and I start daring Leaf to go out and start dancing with some of the girlies. Now, if you've read the "First Official Story" then you know what we dealt with trying to get Leaf to get out there and shake his ass. Finally, he agrees to dance the dance of the Leafblower. As we watch, he walks out there, kind of shy like, he then proceeds to "get with it". Leaf, in all actuality, can cut a fucking rug. After dancing for a few minutes, it no longer holds Leaf's attention. He comes over and sits back down. So, there we are, sitting again, breathing the Diseased Vaginal cigarette-smoke air when we notice a group of children sitting on the couches caddy-corner to our own. The males in the group had slim-shady type apparel on, and I would assume, fashioned themselves bad-asses due to the cocky scowl they sported on their fucked up mugs and the Marlboro reds hanging from their mouths that they stole from their dads. The girls were none the better, run-of-the-mill little sluts... I blame their parents. Anyway, they were passing around an oddly shaped bottle filled with blue liquid, sipping on it. This puzzled me, because usually alcoholic beverages come in glass bottles, and do not say “Scope Mouth-Rinse” on them. Our conversation went something like this...

Diljner “What the hell do they think they're doing?”
Leaf “Is that fucking mouth wash?” [Does funny fucking chuckle laugh]
Arrhythmia “Hahahahaha ...God damn tards.”
Diljner “We should get a security guard or some shit ...These little fucks can't be downing Scope in here.”

[Mutual agreement]

Well, it turns out these little shits had made some enemies prior to our encounter with them. These "friends" of theirs had already alerted Cruise Security. In comes the biggest African I've ever seen. He grabs one of the would-be ‘Eminems’ by the arms and yanks their punk asses out of the seat. We were laughing so fucking hard. The guard makes it a point to make sure everybody knows what’s going on. Everybody's attention is on this little rag-tag group of future fuck-offs. Needless to say ...the big black guy wiped the fucking smug look off of their faces. I though they were going to cry. Anyway, he confiscates their "Alcohol" and takes them all out of the disco and to an undisclosed area of the ship. We left the disco feeling our night was complete. We then went to the "Lido Deck" and ate some pizza and fries and called it a night.

In hind-sight... the night was perfect, Leaf busted a move... and the pre-teen retards got their shit ruined by the giant African, and the food was exceptional.

[Side note: Look forward to my next entry titled ...."The Hot-tub Incident", in which I will collaborate with Arrhythmia…]

Monday, September 27, 2004

Mr. Grasshopper

In the last post, Diljner described Leafblower's painful encounter with the wall at our hotel room. Well, I have a different story that has pretty much to do with the same thing as before...


Now, me, Diljner, and Leafblower had come with my parents on a cruise a few weeks into June as a sort of Senior Trip. After our little escapade on the ship, we all visited my sister and brother-in-law at the Boluxi, Mississippi, US Air Force base. The guys decided to stay the night at my sister's house the first night while my parents stayed at some on-site motel. After being awaken by my nephew the following day, we all decided that we would sleep in the room opposite of my parents the next night.

We all had a good night sleep, staying up till about 3 a.m. seeing as we were all excited about going home the next day. The next morning, we all got up, packed our shit, and took it out to our rent-a-car, which wasn't a car at all, but rather a bulky ass SUV. As we are packing our shit in the trunk, when I notice a noise, sort of like that of a cricket. The boys and I find the bug not two seconds later and Leaf decides to try to capture the sucker, despite it being a bug. I thought this odd so I decided to ask him what was up ...

Me "Dude, I thought you were afraid of bugs, why are you trying to catch it?"
Leaf "Oh, it's a cricket. If I just try to catch it, it doesn't bug me."

I had thought this to be odd, so I look at the bug and concluded that it was, in fact, not a cricket, but a grasshopper. Me, thinking nothing of it, decide to tell Leaf of his misjudgement of the type of bug it was.

Me "Um ....Leaf, that's not a cricket, thats a grasshopper..."
Leaf "What?!" [Leaf backs away from the trunk of the SUV, then starts to do some wierd ass chuckle]
Me "What's the big deal? It's just a grasshopper ...hell, you even tried to grab it when you thought it was a cricket."
Leaf [A little freaked out] "A GRASSHOPPER IS NOT THE SAME AS A CRICKET!!"
Me [Creates a puzzled look, then forwards attention to Diljner for his response]
Leaf "Yea, grasshoppers are more green and all slick."

After this, I try to capture the tiny invader and it jumps onto the back window. Leaf and Diljner are just sorta standing there and I decide to go to the outside of the window and flick right where the grasshopper is. *flick* The hopper flies from its position and lands right on Leaf's left shoulder.

Leaf [Screams like a ten year old girl, literally like a ten year old girl with an extremely shrill voice]
Diljner & Me [Stare for a second and bust our nuts laughing]

As soon as Leaf screamed, he knocked the hopper off and it falls on the ground and he pummels it into oblivion; fucking oblivion. Imagine this, bugs have exoskeletons, eyes, legs, feelers, guts, and all sorts of other assorted goodies. Well the scene of it was this: the grasshopper was a neonish green, well the blob on the ground was that color, but nothing else resembled a fuckin' grasshopper. Excuse me while I say "what the fuck?" I mean, there was no sign of the previously mentioned items. No scrunchy exoskeleton, no legs, not even fucking guts. It was like a chunky, thick, green blob of goo.

Way to go Leaf, you decimated a fuckin 3 centimeter insect. Feel proud, feel really proud.

As an extra goody:
This one is short. Leaf and I were in my truck, turning at the White Lane/Old River intersection. As we were waiting for the light to turn green, a moth flew into my truck, seeing as we keep our windows down all the time. It flutters around and I hear Leaf grunt a little bit. When I look over, Leaf is swatting at the air and going "Uhhh. Ughhghghhhhhh. Uh!". Then I see the moth and he's freakin' out in his usual manner. Then it flies by me and he swats and fuckin' hits me in the head right as the light turns green. This isn't just a hit, its a fuckin' SLAP! I then try to knock the little bastard out the door and finally do it successfully shortly after my first attempt, unlike my uncoordinated friend. When asking him why he was freaking out over a moth, (because this was the first time I saw him react to a bug like that), he said:

Leaf "Cause it has all that powdery stuff on it!!!"


Sweet Dreams Little Leafblower

Let me start off this story by telling you another… Leafblower does not like bugs. When I say he does not like bugs, I mean he is deathly afraid of insects of any kind. He’ll jump out of a moving vehicle if there happens to be a bug flying about in it. On the 4th of July, Arrhythmia, Leafblower and I are at the Texaco putting gas in Arrhythmia’s truck. Leaf and I are sitting outside the truck while our companion is in the store. A few moments into some random conversation about lesbians or whatever it was we were talking about, I notice this big-assed june bug on the ground. I quickly dismissed the thought of throwing it on Leaf. Although hilarity would surely ensue, my conscience wouldn’t let me, for a while anyway. As Arrhythmia was walking out of the store I decide to go for it. I pick up the june bug, make sure Leaf sees it, and start chasing his ass with it; he fucking freaked. He took off running and threw his cap at me shattering his American Flag lapel pin he was sporting on the bill. He was pissed, but Arrhythmia and I got a kick out of it. Now I told that little story to tell this one.

On the trip us 3 amigos took to New Orleans, we were staying in the Best-Western hotel near the airport, there are two beds to a room. Leaf and I shared a room, and Arrhythmia was supposed to take the extra bed in his parent’s room, this did not go down well. So Leaf, being the good friend that he is, agrees to bunk up with him. I got a bed to myself, there was no debate in it, for the simple fact that I slept on the floor the first night there, (a whole different story). Anyways about two hours after the sleeping arrangements were made, Leaf was sound asleep. Arrhythmia and I are always up late so we’re watching some TV. Half way into our show we hear some mumbling from Leaf’s side of the bed. We turn on the light and look over, and Leaf is mumbling to himself (he’s asleep by the way). As we watch him, I kid you not, he screams out "bugs!" and about four seconds later, catapults himself four feet off the bed, right into the wall. Now, there is about a 1 and ½ foot gap between their bed and the wall. So after hitting the wall, he then falls into the crack and gets stuck. We rush over and peer down to see if he’s okay. He’s all twisted up and cramped into a little space. We were laughing so hard, I thought I was going to vomit. We helped our disturbed little friend out of his hole and proceeded to ask him what the hell he was doing. He muttered, “I was dreaming about bugs, and went back to sleep. Arrhythmia and I laughed so damn hard for two days proceeding that. To this very day, when asked about this, Leaf-blower denies everything, he claims not to remember, but we were there, we know what happened, and now all of you do too.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

The Lesbian Crisis

As it stands, this is officially the first post for this blog, so I'll start you beautiful people off with a teaser as well as a pleaser.

Now, me and my buds live in Bakersfield, California. In Bako, there is a little outdoor plaza called "The MarketPlace". We were sitting over by the Blockbuster, Starbucks, and some other food joints with a few of my friends when Leafblower notices two girls, who, in a rare moment of blissful beauty, were holding hands and making coo faces like they were about to pounce on each other and create some sort of lesbian porno.

[Side Note: They were both blonde]

After this defining moment, Leaf decides that when they leave the Mexican establishment they entered to buy food, that he was going to talk to them. Well, knowing me and Diljner, we egg his ass on as much as possible to do it. He seemed to lose his balls right after he stated his intentions.

Minutes went by, the lesbos got their food and went outside to eat and sat about two tables away from us. Leaf continued his bullshit by pussing out on his mission. This moved from something he would do to a complete dare. Dare or not, this fucker didn't seem like he was going to pull through for the 'ol team. I decided I didn't want to wait anymore and after saying "go talk to those lesbians" real loud, the situation seemed to get even more frustrating. He apparently thought they heard me say that cause they "looked toward us". Well, that's what he said at least. Moments later, I proceded with daring him.

Me "I dare you, no wait, I double dog dare you, eh, I'll TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!"
Leaf [Laughs his stupid laugh] "This isn't fuckin' A Christmas Story."
Me "Whatever, just go do it."

We exchanged a few more words, but nothing substantial enough to change the fact he was pussing out. By this point, he seemed sure that he lost his balls entirely...

Leaf "I think my balls have gone into my stomach and turned into ovaries..."

This made us all crack up and...Jesus, he admited to being a woman, what a fag. Cutting this down just a tad, Leaf finally got up to talk to the lesbos as they were throwing away their remains and leaving. This is what was said:

Leaf "You guys are hot!"
Lesbos "Thank you..."[awkward looks]
Leaf [Returns to table]
Me "Whadya say?!"
Leaf "You guys are hot."
[Diljner and I are cracking up]
Me "That's it?! That's all you said? You suck ass dude."
[This continues for a few more seconds, lesbos start to leave area]
Leaf "Bye!"
Lesbos "Bye..."[awkward looks, yet again]

The conversation after that seemed to go downhill. We just couldn't get over the sheer queerness of Leaf. He seriously didn't pull through as promised. Diljner went home and Leaf went home with me. Night ended and we all had our laughs.

Haha mother fuckers...

By the way, 20 minutes before the lesbos arrived, Leaf was rolling up his sleeves and tucking the bottom of his shirt in his collar with a pink comb stuck in his carpet-like hair. Now do you see why I question his sexuality sometimes? *sigh*

Leafblower Blog

This is a blog a buddy of mine [Arrhythmia] and I decided to create for the simple purpose of sharing our crazy and bizarre moments with our mutual friend... we'll call him Leafblower.

Expect entries soon.

We mean very soon.

[Warning - This blog will display explicit material and may be unsuitable for some pussies out there] {an original Arrhytmia edit ;D}

-=You have been warned=-