Sunday, October 31, 2004

The Grenade In [Ear] Tragedy

Alrighty, so let's venture back to July 4th of this year. It was a grand 'ol time, Leaf, Diljner, and I were spending the night over at my house making all sorts of 'firework' goodies. Well, it just so happens that after all of our fireworks were used, we decided to get creative. Not that creative, mind you, since about half of the teenage population was doing this, but we started to make Piccolo Pete bombs. Can you say w00t? Well anyway, we started making them and I was all to new to the 'sport', so I had to be taught. Well after like 5 minutes, I was basically a pro. I was makin' bombs left and right and we were blowing them up like no body's fuckin' business. Well, we sorta had a competition going on who can make the best bomb. Well, Diljner had a big explosion, I had a loud ass one, but Leaf, took the fucking cake. Not that his was all big or loud or anything, cause, well basically, his sucked nuts, but it did do one thing Dilj's and mine didn't, it made a basket in my basketball hoop; now that's fucking talent. Anyway, this went on for quite a while and I kept making bombs because I was now addicted. I would put 2 piccolo petes in, then 3, then 4. After that I stopped because it was now 11 o'clock, [I seem to be cursed at this time of night], and I lit my quad stacked piccolo bomb. I walked inside to get a drink when I heard the biggest fuckin' explosion. Apparently, I woke up four of my neighbors, it was that fuckin' loud...

Yea, basically, that was our cue to stop all the madness and go on to doing other things, like eating and sleeping, you know, typical guy shit. Well, we also had to stop because I woke mother dearest up, and um, she wasn't too pleased. Seeing that my mom was pissed, we collected the remaining 29 Piccolo Petes and they are now stored in my room, in fact, I'ma use them tonight, *evil* hehehe... Well, our night was technically over and all seemed to be said and done, till I found the popper jiggs, you know, the things you throw on the ground and they *pop*. This night was not used to throw them on the ground, though, but it was going to be a night used to throw them at each other. Yes, 'twas going to be a magical night. Welp, we got going, and it seemed to be me and the Dilj-er against the almighty Leafblower. Seems unfair? You bet your ass it was. So we're going at it, you can see the visible fear/anger in Leaf's eyes at his "unfortunate" predicament, and he was going to go out in a bang, or so he thought...

So, it's 11:10 and the poppy jiggs are flying through the air, we're having a good 'ol time, then .....I do what I always do, I grab about 20 of the suckers and throw them all at once. Can you even guess what happend? Leaf takes about 10 direct hits, one of which seemed to hit him directly in the right ear. His ass dropped like a fuckin' rock on one of my neighbors driveways and his glasses go flying. Diljner and I went into shock, we stood there, eyes wide open, mouths dropped, and looking at each other for whatever explanation we could think of. Then I go and be an ass and decide that I should unarm the injured Mexican. So, I run up, and start stepping on his popper jiggs so he has none left and I take the ones from his hand. His ass isn't going to surprise me with some popping pain. We then question him to see what happend. Apparently, when the popper hit him in the ear, it fucked up his equalibrium and he blacked out and fell. Diljner and I cracked up. We were laughing a good three minutes before we started to help him. After that, the night pretty much died and we went on our merry ways. After the incident though, we ragged on Leaf for about a month. I swear, that shit will never get old.

Atreyu4301: haha
Atreyu4301: your referring to when we assaulted [Leaf] on july 4th correct?
sXeSicnessForevr: yes
sXeSicnessForevr: very much so
sXeSicnessForevr: haha
Atreyu4301: LOL
Atreyu4301: he got effing pwned

Saturday, October 30, 2004

The Day A Bunch of Shit Happened [Part 1]

[*WARNING... This post will display dialogue that may offend 'some' races... Who am I kidding? Black people.This post may offend Black People. Unless you are a black person with a sense of humor... In which case you will find this post mildly amusing.]

This little tale is from about three days ago. Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I decide to take a day from our busy schedules and just hang out like we used to. You know, before we had RESPONSIBILITY. Anyways, CompulsiveLiar somehow learns of our plans and convinces Arrhythmia to let him go with us. Well, although Liar may be a lying little douche, he still makes for some good stories. I am going to document our day as it happened. Here we go.

1:00 pm
Arrhythmia comes to my house with Liar and picks me up. We then proceed to the Leaf Meister's house. The whole wayto Leaf's house Liar is already acting squirly as fuck. He informs us that he's carrying $100. At this point I'm thinking "Oh shit, I'm going to have to baby-sit this irresponsible little bastard and make damned sure he doesn't give his money away to random strangers. If he's handing out money WE'D better be the ones getting our hands on it. [Aren't I charming?]

We pick up Leaf and decide to go to the Valley Plaza [Mall] to play some King of Fighters. While strolling over to the arcade, we walkby this plus sized Goth-store. This is literally a store specifically for fat goth chicks. Although the three of has have passed this store billions of times, it never fails to make us giggle. We decide that we are hungry and head to the food court before we hit the arcade. We all order our food and sit down at a nice table, with nice temperatures and pleasant company. What could go wrong. Let me start this segment by saying that the pizza I ordered was very greasy. My Sbarro was dripping with grease. Half way into whatever conversation we were having, I look up to a banner hanging from the ceiling. [My face goes blank] I'm just staring at the banner with wide eyes. Arrhythmia and Leaf notice my odd behavior and ask me what the fuck I'm staring at. I say, "Dudes, thats a fucking Kotex sign... In the food court..." On the banner was a picture of a female's bloated abdomen, and underneath were the words... "Kotex fits, period." At this point, I have RED pizza grease running down my chin and we're all pretty grossed out. Needless to say, we lost our appetites. We decide to put away memories of leaky female cotton stopper advertisements and hit the arcade. We arrive at the arcade and Leaf promptly challenges me to a friendly game of Ridge-Racer."Ok, Dick!", I reply. So we're off, first I'm winning, then he's winning. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Then 3 minutes into the match we get bored and leave the Ridge-Racer machines.

King of Fighters ACTION! w00t! Arrhythmia raped us, as usual. We still had fun though. Right smack in the middle of our KoF happy-fun-time, Arrhythmia gets a gentle tug on his sleeve. It's Liar, asking Arrhythmia to go to the Van's store with him to get a belt. Arrhythmia is in a fervent KoF match with Leaf and is not really paying attention to Liar's plea's. Absent mindedly, he tells Liar to ask me to go with him. Thanks much, Arrhythmia, you Dick. Anyway, he approaches me and I pretend not to notice. I look upon Leaf and Arrhythmia's match with mock interest. Finally he pokes me hard enough to break my "Concentration" and says, "Hey, Diljner, come to the Van's store with me. I don't want to go alone." I should mention that Liar is 15 years old. "Dude, your what, like fifteen years old? You can't go alone?", I reply. He kept fucking begging me until finally I caved in and growled a mighty "FUCK!". Here we go. I walk with him to get his stupid belt.

Liar and I enter the Van's store and make our way to the belts. This hippy douche-bag behind the counter kept looking at me funny. Anyways, Liar peruses through the belts, singing softly to himself. [What a twat]. Then he asks the Hippy-douche how much a particular belt cost that he liked. Upon recieving his answer, Liar puts the belt back and says that he can get it for much cheaper somewhere else. Needless to say, at this point I'm pretty pissed off. Liar can tell. We walk back to the arcade and game on for another half hour. What a waste of my precious time.

After getting our fill of KoF goodness, we decide it's time to go to the costume shop to get some idea's for our costumes. Liar informs Arrhythmia that he has a psychiatrist appointment that he simply must attend... right at that moment. Well, we're off to the psychiatrist's office. Liar asks that we please wait for him to get finished. Being that his mother would be at the appointment, Liar did not want to have to go home with her. He informed us that if we stayed, we would get to play... get this... Halo 2. Fucking Halo 2.What does this kid fucking take us for? We know that the Halo 2 release date is more than two months off. So, going on the assumption that Leaf, Arrhythmia and I have the IQ of a fucking Koala bear, Liar continues to assault us with his lies. The 3 of us already know he's full of shit, but we go anyways.

We arrive at the psychiatrist's office and the first thing out of Arrhythmia's mouth is...
Arrhythmia "Where the hell is Halo 2?"
Diljner "This kid told us you have Halo 2"
Seceratary "Umm, no we don't have Halo 2 here, sorry"
Liar "Yes you do"
Seceratary "I'm sorry? No, no we don't"
Liar "Yes you do, I've played it here"
Seceratary [Blank stares at the 4 of us]

Needless to say, we got the flying fuck out of that awkward situation. We went to Best Buy, it was kind of nice to get away from Liar for a bit. He was annoying the fuck out of us. We sat down, and played 'Console games'. Leaf is something of a console gamer but touching a game-pad is like blasphemy to Arrhythmia and me. But we had nothing else to do so we played away. Leaf, thinking he was a badass 'Console gamer' decides to challenge Arrhythmia to a game of some X-box basketball game. Arrhythmia agrees, although he doesn't play console games... or sports games for that matter. Arrhythmia fucking raped Leaf without lubricant. It was I who first made the observation that the 'Console Gamer' got his shit ruined by the 'PC gamer'. [Good times] Leaf was all butt-hurt but he got over it.

Time to go pick up liar. We were reluctant to go pick him up. We were half contemplating just leaving him there. But that would be fucked up... and we're only fucked up about 75% of the time. So we head back to the psychiatrist's office to get his lying ass. He's outside of the office waiting for us. He asks that we go in and meet his psychiatrist. We're like, what? We're not stupid, we know that this douche is in fact screening us [His friends] to see if we're contributing to Liar's problem. But, we were promised candy so we agreed to meet the guy. We walk in and he comes out of his office witha plastic forced ass smile. Here's the conversation...
Leaf "Wheres the candy?"
Diljner "Yeah, he promised us candy"
[We'll call the psychiatrist Dr. Dick]
Dr. Dick [Blank stare with his mouth half open]
Dr. Dick "Anyways, what are your names?"
Diljner "I'm Dil-"
[Liar busts through our conversation]
Liar "Thats [Diljner], [Arrhythmia], and [Leafblower].

This guy was eyeballing us hardcore. Truthfully it was kinda pissing me off. Well finally we got out of there and finally started to head to the costume store.

[It seems that this post is going to be very long, so I'm going to break it into two parts... I know, I know. I promised that black people would be offended by this post. But, sadly most of the offensive dialogue is in part 2. So, your just goingto have to wait until tomorrow.... Niggers.]

Sometimes Friends Are Beyond Annoying

You know, my friends and I are a pretty tight group, we all know each other and get along great. There is one slight problem though, my friend, who's more of an acquaintance rather than a friend, CompulsiveLiar. He is a cool guy, but it seems like he tries to hard, and Diljner, Leaf, and I swear he lies to us constantly. He gives us bullshit times and then changes it last minute to an earlier time to fuck up our fun, told us his psychiatrist has Halo 2, which, may I remind you, isn't even out till November, seems to have a falsity in every story he tells us, not to mention that he says the girls he knows are hot when, in fact, they are beat as all hell. Now that I gave you an insight to Liar, I'll give you today's little plight [for me].

Today started off well, I woke up around 10:30, since I have denied myself major sleep the entire week, [as happens in all weeks]. Well, I start to clean my room around 1 PM and I get a phone call, can you guess who it is? Well, first of all he starts talking to me about his problem, which I will not go into, and then my hell begins... He proceeds to ask me if he can hang out with me today and I reply that I am busy, very busy because it is my mother's birthday and my buddy Tony's birthday. This means I'm booked for the entire day and can't do shit. Well, Liar doesn't accept this and continues to try to manipulate me with the "I'm leaving for a month," bullshit so I'll crack; guess what, didn't work. Anyway, I give him the truthful excuse that I'm extremely busy and must run personal errands and see how tomorrow is going to pan out. Well, he fucking CONTINUES to ask me if he can just 'hang out with me while I run the errands', and I again say no. Something in him does not click that I don't need nor want him around today. Finally, after several minutes of dodging his questions, he lets me go....

Close to fifteen minutes later, I get another call, not to my surprise, it's Liar. Apparently, he is desperate to get out of his house and barrages me with 'can I come with you please' bullshit a little more. I like the kid, but when I say no, I mean it. Oh my God, he doesn't get it! No matter how many times I say no, he just won't accept it. He then asks what makes my errands so 'personal'. I was going to say, "Dude, do not question my reasons," but I decided to be cool about it and just say, "Dude, don't do this to me, please..." He apologized for some reason and thus ended conversation number two.

I was again happy and sorta getting my room clean when I heard that dreaded noise again... *Ring ring* ...Fuck... I go and get the phone and the irritation must be somewhat noticeable in my voice. Liar seemed to think that it was his duty to piss me the fuck off today because he was getting the job done quite well. So we talk...again about the fuckin' hangin' out and I'm like tweakin' out, trying to let him down gently, but wanting to faceplant his fragile psyche into the cement floor. Well, after this goes on for a little longer, he finally asks me about Halloween night and what I'm going to do. I tell him that I'm chilling with Diljner and two other mighty fine ladies, [if one of them imperticular shows up], and he gets all giddy or some shit. He then asks me if he can come. First thought in my head, "He is NOT going to fuck this up for me." So I tell him that it's not my call and that he must call Diljner, since it was originally his idea and that it will be at his house. I didn't lie, don't judge me *smiles*. I proceed to give him Dilj's number so he can call his house and get his work number from Dilj's half-retarded sister. I told him that if he came in touch with the Dilj-meister, that I'll talk to him about it, and not to Liar, but he thought that was an open invitation to call me again. *sigh* Come the fuck on!

Five minutes later, I'm about to shoot myself. *Ring ring* ARRRRGGGHHH!! "Hello?" By this point, you don't even need me to explain who it was. He just calls me to tell me that Dilj says "no, he can't come..." I'm in heaven and think that I'm in the clear. Wrong-o... So we discuss this and how I should use my favor with the Dilj and get Liar in on the gig. That was not going to fuckin' happen if I had anything to do with it. He kept saying, "Let me go, I'll bring that girl from before..." No...she was beat anyway. So I finally get him off the line and start to finally clean, when the phone rings again. God hates me this day for some reason. Is it because I listen to music that swears or because I use racist words sometimes just because I'm a moron? I don't know what his reason was, but he hasn't got to smiting Liar for calling me four times already. Anyway, this time when he called he told me that Dilj said "Yes, I can come." *Blank look of despair and anger* I wanted to kill Diljner right then and there. There was absolutely NO reason for him to do this to me, in fact, to himself, what was he thinking?!

I then talk to Liar about what's going to go down and make it my goal to drive over to Dilj's work and 'talk him out of this', because I didn't know his work number. So after Liar finally hangs up, I get my room done, finally, and my dad came home and gave me even more errands to run. So I go and do what I set out to do in the first place, I confront that fucker Diljner. After arriving at his job and saying "Hi" to his grandmother, who is his boss, I get him to go to his office and proceed to ask him, in only the way I could, why the fuck he let Liar in on the fun for Halloween. He seemed a, disheveled. He didn't know what I was talking about. I then asked him if Liar had even called him. He told me no and we got a good laugh out of it because, well, that's why we call him CompulsiveLiar. I then proceed to tell him how Liar called me five times within a 45 minute period. He seemed upset with that as well as entertained. After we got our laughs and, *ahem* 'comments' out, I left and went to do my errands. I was glad the hell was over.

Did I mention God hates me today?

After I get home from doing my chores, er, errands, I begin to work on my mother's birthday card. I hear the phone again and run to get it [my father's asleep in his room and wouldn't try bothering to get it]. Guess who it fucking is... "Hello, oh, hey Liar..." Apparently, he wanted to call and apologize about his super-disrupting calls earlier. I told him not to worry because I was merely bothered and not angry. So he goes on about what's going on on Halloween. I asked him again if he had talk to Dilj and he lies to me again and says yes. I then tell him what's going down, again, and he tells his mom. I can hear in the background what he is saying and am stabbing myself at his every word.

Liar "Mom! Shut up and listen to me. Can I go and hang out with [Arrhythmia] tomorrow? We're going to watch 'Dawn of the Dead' with him and [Diljner] and, and....that other guy...
Mom "[Leaf]?
Liar "Yea, him. It's going to be around 6 or 7 tomorrow and it's going to be at [Arrhythmia]'s house."
Me [Holding on the phone] "Uh..., no, it's at [Diljner]'s."
Liar "Here talk to [Arrhythmia]."
Mom "Hi [Arrhythmia]."
Me "Uh, hi, anyway, what he just told you was wrong. It's not going to be at my house, it's going to be at [Diljner]'s house and the people he said were going to be there was wrong too. It's going to be me, [Diljner], [Dilj]'s girlfriend, and [unnamed]. Also, I can't give you a definite time on when it is going to be because we aren't sure ourselves. But, like I said before, I don't know how it's going down because it's going to have to be up to [Diljner]'s grandmother. Also, again, I must remind you that I'm not sure on the time either, but it should be around then.

The whole time I'm just regretting leading her on like this because of Liar's obnoxious habit of, well, lying.

Mom "Thank you [Arrhythmia]."
Me "Not a problem... Bye..."
Mom "Bye."

The conversation with Liar is insignificant after that and I go on with my drawing of my mother's birthday card. Arg, I didn't know what to do. After talking to Liar's mom, I told him to call Diljner at his house around 7. Proceeding this, I tell Dilj that Liar is going to call and to "Let him down gently, please." He promptly agreed and we went on our merry worth. Hopefully, our plan will pan out. If not, this is going to suck ass for Liar. Hell, it's going to suck for him anyway...
Atreyu4301: I can't wait for [Liar] to call
Atreyu4301: I'ma pwn his ass
sXeSicnessForevr: hahaha
sXeSicnessForevr: be gentle fucker
sXeSicnessForevr: or ill rip you a new one
Atreyu4301: I'll gently pwn him

The Almighty Rating System

Throughout the time I've known Leafblower, we have done many stupid things, as well as many memorable ones. We have talked about things that may be taboo to the most religious and even to the most dispicable. But, after many times of talking about other things, we decided to create our own scale of 'hotness'. This pretains to girls in all degrees and our scale is probably used in the same sense by other guys, so don't say we stole it or whatnot because, well, we just created it one night in mad hilarity.

Leaf and Arrhythmia's Scale of Hotness:

6 - Oh man, I'd do her...
7 - She's fuckin' hot
8 - Wow, she's beautiful
9 - I'd marry that girl
10 - Beyond words...ever

Hehe, I bet you're wondering, "But where are numbers 1-5?" There is a very simple explanation for this... See, if you're within the 1 to 5 rating, you don't even deserve to be rated, you are that fucking bad. If you want us to rate you like that, we have 'technically' made a scale for that, but it's too cruel. *smiles* Maybe when I'm in a nasty mood I'll post it, but for now, this is all you people get.

Oh yea, P.S. - My mom says that this scale is degrading to girls and that I shouldn't even mention it to them, ever, but sadly, her advice was not taken, as you can already tell. Plus, I don't see the degregation in this scale, in fact, I think it's gold.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

Have you ever been tempted to do something you knew was completely and utterly wrong, didn't want to, but just felt like it had to be done? Well, we all have had this dilema one time or another, but Leafblower and I just had it happen just two days ago [Friday, morons].

As it can probably be deciphered from the title, our little conscience tester dealt with money, and lots of it. When I mean lots, I mean well over 400 dollars. The story basically starts off like so: The Leafster and I were at the 3-D Arcade in the mall, like usual, playing KoF '01 and '03, getting our asses beaten by a guy here and there, and takin' each other down in fair amounts. Well, this seemed just like an average visit, no problems or surprises. This time, I decided to bring some unspent tokens, so I didn't have to get any out of the machine, but I did go by it, and nothing seemed awry. After the twenty or so minutes that we spent there went by, we started to leave. [Leaf always gets tired of playing after losing a few times, usually, but he seemed bored more easily that day]. Well, as we are exiting the doors, Leaf takes a sudden detour toward the change machines. I am completely oblivious to this and continue walking. Thinking he was behind me, but really talking to myself, I realize the little bugger [hah] is really infatuated with said machine. Well, it turns out the bastard notice that it was open...yes, completely open with oodles of cash. We then encountered the dilema stated in the beginning of this. What did we do? What do you think, we had conscience issues...

Me "What the hell are you doing?"
Leaf "Dude, check this out..."
Me [Questioned look]
Leaf "It's open."
Me "...the hell?"
Leaf "It's full of money."
Me "Did you take some?"
Leaf "No."
Me "Do you want to?"
Leaf "I was thinking about it..."

The truth is folks, Leaf and I are too honest for our own good. There is no way in hell we would take that money. I mean, I egged him on to do it for a little bit, but it came from little kids and their parents who played games there and plus it belonged to the mall [Side note: there was a huge stack of ones and an even bigger stack of fives, with quarters to spare]. Neither of these were the main reason we did this...

Leaf "...I dunno, it wasn't open before, maybe this is on one of those Dateline Specials."
Me "Haha, maybe..." [Looks on ceiling of arcade for cameras, spots none]

After a few more minutes of telling each other to take the money, but then thinking no, we shouldn't, we look around and check out the Mod Hatter across the way to see if anyones looking, no one... Well, after looking inside of it, checking around, and then looking in again, we decided to tell the people at the haircutting place, since the buzzer for the arcade guy didn't seem to work. They didn't know what the hell to think at the hair place, so we just chilled at the arcade for a little bit longer. Still looking for those damnded Dateline cameras, we found out we could actually lock the big ass machine and then we went on our merry way. Leaf kept talking about it like he regretted not doing it. I sorta did too, but eh, I'm human. He was talking about paying me back with it or buying a hat or some shit, I dunno. The rest of the day was normal after that. It just goes to show you, Dateline makes you fuckin' paranoid...hahaha...

Conversation of the Moment

This occured today with a fellow co-worker of mine [MexicanaBlanca] on a recent new-hire.

Me "Hey, you know how you said there was an ugly girl and a hot girl who got hired? Well, which is which?"
MB "The fat one is the ugly one..."
Me "So the skinny one is the hot one?"
MB "Yea, 'cept she's sorta busted."
Me "Her nose is busted."
MB "Her face is busted."
Me "Now, by busted, you mean ran over by a car..."
Me "From before, by hot, you mean ran over by a car..."
MB "Yea, basically..."

God, isn't it a wonder why some people think I'm a jerk?

Friday, October 22, 2004


Apparently, I'm going to have to have the final word because I'm getting some bad rap here...

Leaf was 18 at the time of the 'Hot-Tub Incident', said girls in the story were 14. So, lay the fuck off and stop saying stupid shit to don't know what went on exactly.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The Hot-Tub Incident

This little tale is the result of a story Leafblower told Arrhythmia and I some time ago. It turns out that one night a while back, Leaf and this "girl" he met had a few drinks and were pretty much in the mood, [So he told us]. Anyways, Leaf and "The Chick" made out a bit and she was apparently going to do him a "FAVOR". But "The Chick's" mom or aunt or whoever it was came home early from where they were at. So no play-play for the Leaf Meister. Leaf was 17 at the time, and I believeI remember him telling us that she was 15. No big deal, just a simple story right? WRONG! This is the part of my tale where Arrhythmia's incessant assholishness and Leaf's storytelling habits come back to bite Leaf in the ass.

So, there we are, on the cruise ship, bored as hell, watching fucking Fern Gully: The Last Rain-Forest [8 fucking times]. Anyways, Arrhythmia finally had enough of being cooped up in our little cabin and expressed that he wanted to go to the hot-tub. Leaf and I happily agreed. We were all three single at the time, and the prospect of cruise-booty was to much to pass up. So, we get in our trunks and head over to the pool deck. We approach the hot-tub, and not surprisingly it's full of girlies. These particular girls were marginally cute, no, I mean beat as fuck... Perhaps a bit young for us, but we decided "What the hell."We were sure we could at least have a little fun messing with these girls. So, we ask if it's alright if we join them. They examine us, whisper amongst themselves, and then happily agree to our company. We hop in, and not two minutes into whatever conversation we were having Leaf has these chicks laughing their asses off. They were kind of annoying. Keep in mind that the particular cruise line we went on boarded in the deep south. So, all of the girls had that annoying ass southern drawl. And that funky ass half-retarded laugh. But what the hell, like I said, they were marginally cute [X], and undoubtedly interested in us. Well, it was going great, we were having fun, laughing and everything seemed to be going great. Right? WRONG AGAIN! Arrhythmia has a tendency to go somewhat overboard when he's telling a story.I have no clue how this came across, but right as things were going awesomely, Arrhythmia shouts out, "Oh yeah, Leaf. What about that drunk 15 year old girl you took advantage of! HAHAHAHA!" I was in fucking awe. Everyone just looked at Leaf. Complete and utter silence befell the hot-tub. There was a short time of abismal silence with some chit-chattering here and there, but not like it was before. Then, without saying a word, the girls got out and left. Not even really a goodbye, just a pitiful glance back at Leaf. We didn't talk for the next ten minutes [or that's what it seemed like]. Just three guys, silently sitting in the hot-tub with blank looks on our faces. When all of a sudden, this big ass group of black guys rolls up to the tub. We didn't want to look racist or anything so we stayed and tried to make small talk. We talked with these southern Snoop-dogs for about 30 minutes.To this day I still couldn't understand what in the fuck they were talking about. I think it had something to do with cock-fighting and fried chicken. But, what the hell, who knows? Well, we finally had to bid our African-american friends a fond fare-well, and we went back to our cabin. We didn't talk much for the rest of the night. Perhaps it was trying to decypher what the fuck those black dudes were telling us. Or maybe it was Arrhythmia's Leaf comment. But, we watched Cheaper By The Dozen like twice before finally falling asleep. God, I hate Bonnie Hunt.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Wow, We Are Fucktards...

Let us go back, way back to the year 2003. This is the year I met Pimp Meister. Now, I'm going to continue to use short, stalky sentences because I am, in fact, a lazy whore. Anyway, I met Pimp on a Carnival Cruise during the early summer and we became quick buddies. We hung out a bit after the cruise, then began doing it more and more. We then did everything together, I don't remember shit on what, but I do know we did a lot. Anyway, let's get back to what I was talking about.

Alright, I believe this was the last day I saw him of that year because my mom went psycho on his mother about being too lax on rules or some shit and basically banned me from seeing him. Oh well, jokes on her, [not really], I just recently started hanging out with him again. We are going to pwn those little kids on Halloween. *Burn!* Well, seeing as it was the last day, I might as well tell you what day it was...The Third of July. He was spending the night because I had to work on the fourth, [fuckin' Edwards *shakes fist*], and we decided to use the night as if it was truly the day we celebrate our liberation from Britain. Anywho, thinking we were cool kids and making bombs, we used some duct tape and taped a whole bunch of Piccolo Petes together [11] and lit them all simaltaneously and stood back to watch the show. Let's just say that shit was so loud that it was still making our ears ring when we covered them. We also taped up those spiny fireworks together, but they just caught fire...haha good thing too because we were running out of lighter fluid and the wind was picking up, screwing up our whole 'light and run' tactic.

So, everything is running smoothly, we use all the screamers up early on in the night so we didn't wake up my parents and activate their nazi mode, aka I GOTTA WAKE UP EARLY. After that, we used to little popper shits and hit each other like it was WWII and started lighting the other spinners that weren't attached via duct tape. So we just went apeshit for about two hours, doing random fireworks, till we arrived at the epitome of our fireworks pile, the firecrackers. This may not seem all that great, but they were the only illegals we had, so shove off...mashers.

We had a killer time with the bunch of them, lighting a string and watching the group explode, or tearing off individuals and letting them have their own personal parties. Well, this went on for a good while, and they weren't too loud, so we figured it was ok to continue. This is where we come to the bad idea of the night.

Around 11 o'clock, we finally get to our last firecracker. This wee little guy was just sitting there and we decided to blow his ass up, assuming afterwards we'd play on Pimp's PS2 that was promptly brought to my house. So, I grab the sucker and do what we did with the previous billion others and held it in my hand, precisely in between my thumb and pointer finger. I'm holding the sucker right in front of my face and Pimp lights it. Then comes the bad part. Now, you would think that a firecracker with a long wick would give you at least a 10 second period to throw it, well this one decided to be a rebel. As the flame hit the wick, it takes off, hitting the gunpowder not a half-second later. As it explodes inbetween my fingers, reactions occur. I blink, Pimp turns his head. Good move on my part, bad move on Pimp's...

When I blink, the force does not affect my eyes, but it does, in fact, affect my ears. I am now partially deaf. I hear a ringing like no other and can't tell what the fuck is happening. Pimp, on the otherhand, isn't partially deaf in both ears, just one. When he turned his head you see, he ended up putting his left ear directly in line of fire. Okay, imagine this, at the time I was 16, Pimp was 14, I believe, and we are both deaf in one way or another. How do you think we reacted?

Pimp "WHAT!?"
Me [I was a little concerned about what time it was] "OKAY, WHAT TIME IS IT!?"
Pimp "WHAT?!"
Pimp "ELEVEN!"
Me "HUH...!?"

This went on for several seconds and then we decided that we were probably being too loud for the neighborhood and went inside, feeling defeated by that fucking little firecracker. PS2 action occured shortly after and our hearing eventually came back during the night. We had some firework action the day of the fourth, but it wasn't as eventful as the night prior. Overall, all I can say is that Pimp and I are officially fucking stupid, but then again, all my friends are...

Monday, October 18, 2004

Class Nut Shot 101

Alright, you know how a few days back I disclosed the contents of my night at Jerry's, telling you all what happend, where I got hurt, and how excited I was? Well, this story will have a similar plot, but maybe not the same ending...

It started out like every other concert I had been to at Jerry's, standing in the dark, dank basement, waiting for the main bands to play. As I waited, I usually watched the local bands that play, some which are very talented and some that suck so hard, the shell could be ripped off an egg. Well, I just sat there, watching, getting really fucking bored because I wanted to see Scars of Tomorrow and I was watching fucking Hatchet and Annie. Nothing against them, but I paid for the main attraction, not the sideshow.

After about two hours, TWO FUCKING HOURS...., Nodes of Ranvier, one of the main bands, finally comes on the stage. I didn't know how they sounded, so I just sorta watched. I assumed they would be all emo and queer, but I was wrong. Emo and queer would have been funnier though. Well, after that Scars of Tomorrow came on and I was like "Fuck yea!!!" I got to sing into the mic and all that jazz, you know, standard shit. Well, to my surprise, after SoT, Caliban got on and began tearing that shit up. Forgetting to mention this beforehand, Diljner was with me the entire time and we fuckin' freaked when we saw Caliban.

Well, I thought it was going to be a pretty standard night after they got on, but, nope, I was wrong...again. At this time, I was standing away from the pit, seeing that I never was too particular to it with a huge ass fuckin' albino guy who was around 33 years old, throwing his weight around like he's Jarred from Subway BEFORE he lost all the weight. This guy would come out, get tapped by some other kid in the pit, and then freak out, push him as hard as he could and proceed to punch at him and then everyone else. I made sure I had at least on row of people in front of me. Stupid albino fag. Well, anyway, the band was playing it up, making the whole thing worth it, [just as SoT and NoR]. With only a few songs left, I thought to myself, "Wow, I got off scott-free, without an accident." Wrongo. Right after I think this, I'm standing there, watching the band with my body facing toward the pit, when...

...holy fucking shit...


[Look of pain]

I sorta just stand there, interpreting what just happend to me. I look down in utter disbelief as a very short, emo-ish looking girl, not an inch over 5'2", goes into the pit, does her little windmill thing, then does a spin kick...INTO MY RIGHT NUT! I begin wincing in pain as I feel it begin to do that tingle/shooting pain feeling from my hip to my right knee. It wasn't like normal pain when you get hit in the nuts, where you feel sick, wanting to throw up, as the pain jumps from your balls to your stomach to your throat. ...No, think growing pains. The following conversation occured:

Me "Dude, Diljner, I just got kicked in my right nut..."
Diljner [Begins laughing...hard]
Me [Looks around, sees hot girl to my right laughing, gay looking guy to my left laughing]
Diljner "You alright dude?"
Me [Look of pain] "I guess... The pain keeps going down my leg."

After that, I was hurting for a good hour and a half. I kept looking back at Diljner to show him the true face of pain. He now understands it...

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Delays, Delays, MORE FUCKING DELAYS...


Well, I truly am sorry for the lax updating me and my fellow cohort have been producing. We met yesterday and discussed some new material and such. We're trying to get this thing as popular as we fucking can and WE HAVE A GREAT IDEA, but we need some of your help.


Help us, more updates soon...

...and oh yea, I FUCKIN' RULE YOU!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Time Out For Pain

Sorry for the lack of updates lately, school just got a shitload easier and I'll have more time to do the dirty.

Anywho, this won't be so much of a story as what happend tonight, because, well, it was noteworthy.

Remembering Never Set:
-Sang into the mic during 'Incisions'
-Forgot most of the lyrics...

The Black Dahlia Murder Set:
-Sweated like a beast
-Threw water on crowd
-Grabbed singers hand, twice
-Sweated profusely [occured during the all of the last 3 sets]
-Elbowed in the throat [note: I got hit in the adams apple]

Terror Set:
-Moshed [here comes the real fun]
-Busted my lip
-Headbutted someone
-Elbowed in the nose
-Elbowed in the lip [same spot as before, loosened my tooth]
-Jumped on JR and Leafblower, forcing Leaf down several times
-Pushed and beat the living shit out of crowd as that...did it to me

Unearth Set:
-Sang parts for 'Failure'
-Got thrown around a lot and vice versa
-Got in the pit, punched/swung my fist into three people's backs
-Had a kickass time

Neck/back/lip/nose/forearm [bruise]/head

I think I got away pretty clean, but then again, when they come next year, I'll be waiting...

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Ryan Assaults Emo-Fag With Tater-Tot

Alrighty, I'm back. This is the "Ryan assaults emo-fag with a tater-tot" story I promised in my previous post. This little tale begins at lunch time. Leafblower, Ryan and I are sitting at our little area with a few other schmucks. Leaf and I notice that Ryan is in a bit of a testy mood. We can tell because he's wearing a depressed scowl on his face and he's not entertaining us. He was just sitting there munching on pop-tarts and shit. Noticing his odd behavior, Leaf and I decide it's best to leave him alone and not barrage his fat ass with insults such as: bitch-tits, Mama Cass, doughboy and a few others. So, lunch is coming to a close, seemingly without incident. Right as the bell is about to ring, some stupid fuck chucks a tater-tot at Ryan hitting him right above his left eye. It explodes all in his hair and eyebrows. Ryan fucking freaked. He grabbed one of Leaf's discarded tater tots, and ran over to the closest fucker in his radius. It just so happens that the person who caught Ryan's insane misdirected anger was a frail, little emo-kid.

You know the type, those trendy thick rimmed black glasses, a Dashboard Confessional t-shirt on, really thin. Ryan's face turns fire red as he storms over to this kid. With the tater-tot clenched in his fist, Ryan starts beating the shit out of this kids head. Emo-fag just stood there and took it. He had no idea what to think. He was completely stunned and unable to move. His eyes welled up with tears, and he simply said, in a faggish voice, "I didn't throw the tater-tot." At this point I'm in awe, I had no idea what to think. Then, Leaf and I do what we always do in those kind of situations. We laughed our fucking asses off. I caught up to Ryan after our next class after he'd cooled off a bit. I asked him why he assaulted emo-fag. I informed Ryan that emo-fag indeed, did not throw the tater-tot at him. He simply said, "Oh well, I hated that fag anyway."

Please God Hit Me! Hit Me! Hit Me! Hit Me...

Alright, this story dates back to the time prior to "The Trip". I would have to say it was a good two months before it happend, say April. Now, being as it may, Leafblower and I were both still in High School, and we weren't much different then than we pretty much are now, except we now kick ass in college.

So, one day, Leaf and I decide to go to the mall. This was a normal visit because I always got out of school at noon everyday from school and usually coaxed Leaf to ditch English and come with me to the mall or wherever else we found suitable. Okay, jumping back to topic, we had ventured ourselves to the arcade, as usual, and played some King of Fighters 2001 [they had other kickass games like SNK vs. Capcom Chaos, but we love KOF too much]. So we play, and I don't particularly remember, but usually we ran into the random 'gamer' guy, who is usually some mexican/asian/middle eastern guy who has absolutely no life and decides to ruin our shit via KOF.

We ran into our usual frenzy of punching the screen or hitting the controls as hard as we could [by the way, don't ever do that to a game you love, sometimes it quits working...]. Doing these things only seemed to motivate the mexican/asian/middle eastern guy even more because he got to the 'douche bag' level of assholism and decides to pull no punches and destroy us mercilessly everytime we try to rematch. Let's just say we left pretty early that day.

As we are leavin' we start talking about our up and coming trip to Mexico for our senior trip. Leaf starts talking about the financial view of things [this was all before my mother decided to pay for his way]...

Leaf "I don't know how I'm going to get the money to pay for the trip..."
Me "Don't worry dude, we'll figure something out."
Leaf "..."
Me "I know, let's buy candy from the dollar store and then sell it around school for like a buck, because it only costs like fifty cents a bar at the store. We'll make a profit and you can make the trip."

We discuss the candy thing for a while...

Leaf "You know what, I should get hit by a car!"
Me [Incredible 'what the hell' look]
Leaf "Yea, that way I can sue the person who hit me and get enough money to go on the trip."

[Reminder - the trip was close to two months away, if he was hit, he may not have been able to recover in time....fuckin' douche bag]

Me "Dude, the trip is coming up soon, what if you don't recover?"
Leaf "I can go still go with injuries." [looks at me like I'm retarded, he's the one wanting to get hit by a fuckin' car]
Me "Hey, maybe it might work...[!]"

We walk out of the front entrance of the mall shortly after and are still chattin' it up about this whole 'let the car hit me' scheme. So as we cross the street and begin walking to my car, a beat ass black lady with a shitty car starts driving up. I swear, this lady beat as hell. Imagine seeing your most despised neighbor's cat, and as an act of hatred, beat the living hell out of it with a baseball bat. That is what her face looked like [more easily described as a 'crackwhore' face]. Anyway, this bitch isn't paying attention as we cross and as I notice her driving towards us, in fact not watching the road but something to her right, I stop and wait for her to pass. Leaf, on the other hand, doesn't notice shit and keeps walking.

Okay, you may ask "but Arrhythmia, why didn't you stop him?" I'll answer that question simply, I'm not his guardian and I figured he saw her; stupid me.

NO, he didn't get hit by the car. Just as he walked a step into the path of it, he saw her, tweaked out like a fuckin' crackhead and jumped back scared shitless.

Me "What the hell man! You could have got hit by her and got the money for the trip!"
Leaf "Did you see her, I wouldn't have been able to get anything from her."
Me "You would have been hit at the mall, you could have sued her and the mall dude."
Leaf "FUCK!"
Me [Confused look]
Leaf "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."
Me [Look continues]

I assume that Leaf came to the realization that the mall could have paid enough to support him for the rest of his life. He's not a stupid guy, just sometimes he catches on a little slow. We then had this little conversation blabbing about regret and the many different senarios of being hit by the car, like going through the windshield or flying over it, etc., etc., etc.

In the end, none of our ideas panned out, my mother paid for it as an act of sheer kickassery. Love ya mom!

By the way, Diljner and I have had the idea to possibly make T-shirts pertaining to the site if we gather enough funds. If any of you wish to help be a part of this, we'll gladly walk you through the process.

By the way people, please comment. No one comments and I'd rather have praise or anger through the comments page, just post as anonymous and leave your name within the comment. Thank you!

Monday, October 04, 2004


Ah, the memories... Well, here I am about to venture back to the days of "the trip." You all remember the trip, don't you? Good, here is the faithful story of when Leafblower, Diljner, and myself went to eat a nice dinner with my parents at the Four Winds dining hall. This was the second night that dinner was being served in the hall [The first night we skipped out and had some good 'ol pizza and french fries, and, oh yea, ice cream]. The reason we decided not to skip out on dinner this night was because it was formal night. Diljner and I dressed in our finest, black buttondowns, black slacks, nice ties, the whole nine yards. Leaf, being himself, decides to take a different approach. Picture this, hes sitting there with a nice, black dress shirt, tie, but one thing is off...his pants are fuckin' khaki colored dickies and he's wearing his converse. Only he could pull that off at a formal dinner.

So, we finally sit at our table after several minutes of waiting in our 'dress', and we are accompanied by my parents with another gentleman and his two daughters [one was pretty hot too]. We start talking, I am made fun of by the two girl's father because I said "you guyses", well I guess 'I' made a good impression [har fuckin' har]. After this fiasco, we receive our bread and the guys engulf it like we're garbage trucks. We order our food [it just so happend to be seafood night]. I order lobster tail and such goodies, while everyone else orders there stuff. Leaf decides to order the escargot [pronounced 'es-car-go'] and seems pretty mellow about it. None of us really notice that he ordered the edible snails [he's afraid of bugs, remember] and finally, the food arrives. We start eating, Leaf eats the items that came with the snails before taking a plunge into them. I have already eaten my lobster when he gets to the nastiness. This conversation follows:

Leaf [Takes snail and puts in mouth]
Me [Looks curiously and contemplates situation]
Leaf [Chews and chews, about to swallow when...]
Me "Hey [Leaf], don't you know those are snails!?"
Leaf [Disgruntled/sickened look, he beings to cough and spits up the snail] "Wha, ahh, what!?"
Me and Diljner [Laugh our asses into paralysis]

My mother interjects about how he would have been fine with them and eaten them perfectly if I hadn't done that...bah forget that, where's the fun when he doesn't know?

Following this brief conversation, Leaf decides that the plate is too much for him and that it can't even sit in front of him. My dad greatfully takes it from him and eats those snails along with his own escargot plate. I believe this is the first time Diljner had seen Leaf react to a 'bug' like that; I'm not sure though. For the rest of the dinner period, Leaf just seemed plain upset, thinking about what he had done and almost done [eaten a snail]. I mean, I've eaten cow tongue, but for being so afraid of measily 'ol bugs, he sure got that sucker further in him than I ever would.

Short secondary story:

While at the mall with my bud Mechanism[we were tryin' to find him some long sleeve shirts], this was spouted out of my mouth...

Me "Let's go to Macys!" [Twirls {I fuckin' twirl it *sigh*}bag with newly purchased jacket] "This is so gay..."
Mechanism [Laughs at my unfortunately queer statement]

That whole thing that I said was a complete mistake...

Meet Ryan

Let me describe to you, a person that Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I went to high school with. His name is Ryan. Ryan was the product of an obese, Jabba-the-hut of a mother, and one pussy of a dad. Well, for the longest time none of us really knew him. He’d just walk around campus, this goofy ass over weight guy wearing sandals [Yes sandals]. One day at lunch, Leaf spots him. This is how our conversation went.

Leaf “Isn’t that the webbed-feet motherfucker?”
Diljner “What’chu talking bout’ Leaf?
Leaf “Yeah, go ask him. He’s got webbed feet”
Diljner “I’ve never seen webbed feet before.”
Leaf “He wore fucking sandals all last year”
Diljner “Sandals? With webbed feet?”

[Laughing ensues]

So, we walk over to him. He sees us and gets this scared look on his face like we’re going to roll his fat ass.

Diljner “Hey, how are you doing? My names Diljner.
Leaf “My names not important.”
Ryan [In this first sentence, he speaks like a stuck-up older woman… very gay] Hello *raises eye-brow* I’m Ryan.”
Diljner [Holds back laughter]
Leaf “Hey, you have webbed feet right?”
Diljner [Fucking loses it] “HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Oddly enough, our query doesn’t offend him. The motherfucker actually takes off his sweaty ass shoe. [No socks by the way] He then presents to us, his foot.

Fearing the worst, I turned my head and winced. Then I hear Leaf doing his chuckle-laugh. I look down, and there it is, just as Leaf had promised. The fucker had webbed feet. It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t even describe what I saw.

Leaf and I decided that this was in fact, the coolest mother-fucker we’ve ever met. We had lunch with him every day after that. He entertained the hell out of us. There are plenty of Ryan stories on the way. The only downside of hanging with Ryan was that he seemed to attract a lot of gay guys over to our area.

[Look forward to my next entry titled “Ryan assaults emo-fag with a tater-tot”]

Follow Up; Crutches with Stairs Equals No No

As promised, I am going to put up the picture of Leafblower and The Fag. I found this picture after quite a bit of searching; it's a picture at our graduation.

Don't they make quite the couple?


Okay, this will probably be a shorter story, depending on my time.

Now, remember when you were young and you found something of interest and did something incredibly stupid using said object. Well, this is my story of me finding some crutches and then doing the most brilliant thing with'll soon see.

When I was 8 or 9, my mother had hurt her ankle at her job and was given some crutches by her doctor. Well, a few months had gone by and she no longer needed the crutches. During this time of my life I was very curious and found the crutches to be somewhat entertaining. [Side note: I lived in a two story building] Well, my parent's room was upstairs with the crutches and my room was right next door. I grabbed the crutches and was playin with them, tryin to balance myself, seeing that I was about 2 feet shorter than I am now [6'1]. I walk myself on them to my room, back to my parent's room and *bam*, it hits me ...LETS TRY GOING DOWN THE STAIRS!!!! You can almost see it, I'm taking the crutches right to the first step, put one on the first step down and attempt to put the next one on the following step; big mistake. Since I am so short, I can't reach the next step and i find myself falling face first down 10 steps right into the wall. Thank you Jesus our staircase was broken off into two parts. There I was, face flattly planted into the wall, right below the window, crutches sorta lying there, and me, whimpering to myself trying not to move. The pain wasn't all that bad, but the embarrassment was. My parents were somewhere around and actually saw me. Whooops. Oh well, lesson learned right? Nope, I had another accident on that same stairwell, but I'll tell that one a little later.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Arrhythmia and Leafblower Discuss Possible Future

Now, most of you know who I am, despite my surname and all, so you all pretty much know how I am in person. If you don't, I shall describe the wonder that is me: I'm annoying, pretty hyper, very eccentric, overly sarcastic, very short [sometimes while answering], sometimes boring, always random, and yes, even pretty. Now that you know, you shall understand why the proceeding conversation ...well, happened.

I read earlier that day about how the sun was an impending time bomb and was going to blow up soon [5 million years or so, which is complete bullshit...fuck you science], and when I saw Leaf, I decided that I'd ask him a few questions about his day and then go right into the difficult [logical] questions about Mr. Sun.*

[*Side note: We've actually had this conversation about three times. Ah, the repetitive nature that is friendship]

Me [Asks Leaf bullshit life questions]
Leaf [Answers]
Me "Say, did you know the sun is going to explode in like 5 million years?"
Leaf "Really?"
Me "Well, lets say that you got cryogenically frozen for 4,999,999 years and when you finally woke up, you wanted to have sex, but everyone was a fly?"
Leaf [Insert beastiality comment]
Me [Makes reference to Leaf being afraid of bugs {flies}] "Hahaha, remember Jeff Goldblum, who played the fly?"
Leaf [Makes shivery/disgusted sound that we make when we're grossed out] "Yea..."
Me "Welllllllllll, what if you got cryogenically frozen for 4,999,999 years, but one hour after you got frozen, Jeff Goldblum came on TV, announced that he was a hermaphrodite, and used his super army to kill everyone in the world. Then, after all that, he kills his super army and then has sex with himself to create another Jeff Goldblum to infinately create a race of hermaphrodite Jeff Goldblums! And, when you woke up, you wanted to have sex, but there was no one around but Jeff Goldblum?"
Leaf [Makes reference to how much he hates Jeff Goldblum and starts acting like he's been diseased by a rabid monkey] "I don't want to talk about the future anymore! I won't be around anyway!!"

You see, we have many conversations like this that have yet to be documented. I'd include the joke that was said too, but I don't want to offend anyone of a different race/sex/or whoever is just a pussy. Screw political correctness, it really is one sided ...usually the minority side. Oh well, that's just my opinion.

[Side note: I just realized Leaf owes me around 300 dollars. Crap, I really need the money...]