Monday, November 29, 2004

Diljner Almost Throws Down With Immigrant

This little story starts off about a week ago. I'm sitting in the office, it's 11:30, almost time for my lunch break. When 12:00 rolls around, I'm gone. Now, I live right down the street from where I work, so today I decide to walk home for lunch instead of drive; I should also mention that I live/work in a new homes construction zone, so there are cars parked everywhere. So I'm walking down the car-clogged street when I notice a very shitty beat up little vehicle. I notice that it had some pretty rims. Upon closer inspection I notice that not only are they not rims, they're hubcaps, shiny, plastic hubcaps. And not only are they hubcaps... But they're 'spinner' hubcaps, you know, the kind you can get at Pep-Boy's for like 5 bucks? Anywho, I look around to make sure that the owner of the vehicle is nowhere around, the coast seems clear. So I start spinning the rear left hubcap. I'm laughing my ass off simply because this is the most Julio'd out car I've ever seen [Thanks for the word 'Julio' Leaf]. As I've about had my feel of dicking around with this guys car, the unthinkable happens, the whole fucking hubcap falls off. I jump back and I'm a bit scared. Somewhere, I hear this loud scream, like, "AAeeeeeyaaa!" All of a sudden this mexican guy, who I assumed was the owner of the vehicle runs at me screaming obscenities in Spanish. I'm like, "Guy, I don't understand you." Then the fucker pushes me... hard. That fucking did it. I was in mid-swing when two of his friends run up and grab us and separate before we fucker each other up. He was still trying to swing at me and break free of his friend's grip. Accepting that he was restrained, he fell back on his only other option... The motherfucker reared back... and spit a fucking loogie right on my hand. There we both go again, trying to break free of our restrainers, but to no avail. Another guy came and helped Asshole's friend get him out of there; they put him in a different car and drove off. I'd assume they went and had lunch... bastards. Anywho, Asshole's friend that was restraining me took me off to the side and explained to me that the guy who spit on me was his brother in law. Apparently Mr. Mad Spitter had been going through a rough time lately. The police had just raided his house for drugs the previous night and fucking arrested his girlfriend. So pretty much the hubcap incident was just the icing on the cake for him. I departed and finally made my way home. I sat down to some nice Mac'n'Cheese and watched judge Maybelline Ephrem hand people their asses.

A very memorable day indeed.

Friday, November 26, 2004

My Friends and I Think Hard

Alright, so yesterday went off without a hitch, I visited family in LA and we had a great time. I was surprised because there was no fighting or throwing of food. Exceptional. After spending many hours with my cousins, aunt, parents, and other people that had no significant impact in my life, I went home. Now, I wasn't allowed to drive to LA or back because my parents said ...well, that I just couldn't. No justification, no nothin', just "no". Sadness overflowed me, but I knew I had a way to deal with being in their presence the whole time in the car, so I grabbed a borrowed cd player and a book and read the whole time. Okay, I never read, that's how bad it usually is with them. I love um, but having conversations without fighting is rare, so I use my ultimatums a lot. Once I got home, I called around and found out where Diljner, Leafblower, and Ms. Sarcasm were. After arriving at there home some twenty minutes later [or so, Ms. Sarcasm lives far away], I was introduced with the idea of fishing. So, while Diljner and Sarcasm waited at her house, me and the Leaf went over to his house and got the goods, i.e. poles, bait, etc.

We came back and made a plan with Diljner to meet up at his house, but before that Leaf and I were to get weights, a net, and something else from my grandparents house. We stopped by a convienience store and bought two 2-liter bottles of Root Beer [mmmmmmm] and some candy. We then scurried over to the grandparents and woke my grandfather up to help us get the equipment. The equipment getting process took about twenty minutes [yes, my grandfather is slow] and we were off to Diljner's. On the way to his house, we had one of our award winning conversations...again:

Leaf "Would you have sex with Rosie O'Donald to cure cancer?"
Me "Um...gah...would you? cure cancer, like think of all the rolls and shit, but think of all the...."
Leaf "....No, dude, you can't ask me after I ask you...I'll give you my answer after you give me yours."
Me "Alright, well.... she's fucking disgusting for one thing."
Leaf [Starts chuckling like he always does]
Me "She looks like a beached whale..."
Leaf "She's a cooooooooooooooow..."
Me "Um...well, and she's a lesbian too, like she's a super dyke, she got fucking married..."
Leaf "To a girl..."
Me "To a girl....ugh....well, I mean, well, but it's to cure cancer, right?"
Leaf "Uh huh."
Me "So I have to suffe- for how long, would this be a quickie?
Leaf "One time dude."
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, could it be a quickie or does it have to be a looong drawn out process."
Leaf "Aboooout twenty minutes."
Me "Twenty minutes?!"
Leaf "Twenty minutes."
Me "Uggggghhhhh [Shivers in disgust]..........and I would cure, is this cancer forever?"
Leaf "Cancer ...forever..."
Me "Forever."
Leaf "Ever...and eva and eva..."
Me "Damn."
Leaf "Come on [Arrhythmia], don't be greedy."
Me "Ummm...."
Leaf "You can't be selfish with on something like this."
Me "No, I was talking about the stick." [I grinded it a second before on accident]
Leaf "Oh..."
Me "Okay, anyways..."
Leaf [Chuckles]
Me "Well, know what, I would endure twenty minutes or horrible, horrible, retched, fat cow sex..."
Leaf "Not if you close your eyes..."
Me "No, no, no, no, no,'s not even that, you have to feel her body...imagine that, you'd have to feel her body."
Leaf "And the kind of sounds too..."
Me "And you could hear [makes sucking, squishing noises]...and you like, there's so many rolls that you get like sucked under one......uggghhh." [Shivers again]
Leaf "See I would do it, just so I could get laid..."
Me "Are you serious?"
Leaf "And curing cancer, and cure cancer..."
Me "You would have sex with Rosie O'donald just for the hell of it?"
Leaf "Naw dude, to cure cancer, but uh, would you have sex with her to cure....crabs?"
Me "NO, fuck no." [Laughs] "Would you have sex with her to cure AIDS?"
[A brief pause]
Leaf "AIDS..." [Long pause] ", yea...."
Me "No, no, no, why? Give reasons though..."
Leaf "What do you mean? No, no no, fuck no...if you get AIDS, you deserve to get AIDS 'cause you got AIDS."
Me "What, what, okay what's your-"
Leaf "-Maybe-"
Me "-No, no, no, what if your mother had AIDS and you were born with AIDS because your mother had it."
Leaf "If I could only cure those people, then yea, I'd do it."
Me "Like, just the people who don't deserve it."
Leaf "Yeah!"
Me "So you would-"
Leaf "Then that'd cure a loooot of Afircans..."
Me "Af-ri-cans?"
Leaf "I don't really like Africans..."
Me [Makes weird noise]
Leaf "WHAT?!" [Laughs]
Me "Um,"
[Long pause]
Me "You don't like niggars or you don't like Africans...?"
Both [Laugh]

This conversation ends and Leaf tells me this...

Leaf "So I almost got beat up for being a racist by some Mexicans."
Me "Why?"
Leaf "Well, because, um, I mumbled something about 'this is why I don't watch fuckin' Mexican movies 'cause they're fuckin' stupid,' [I begin to laugh] and then, this chick named Vanessa, she was 'what? What did you say?' and I was like 'I didn't say that...' and then she goes over to her friends next door, and said 'did you hear him? He said he don't like Mexican girls 'cause we're stupid!' [I'm laughing my ass off] And I was like "' didn't say that! I didn't say that!' and they were going to beat my ass, I'm not even lying..."

After this was said, we arrived at Diljner's and went off to go fishing. We drove around for like two minutes, went off to some side road where some houses are being built, and then traspassed to go in to a local canal. We were fishing for a little bit, we didn't catch jack shit, but we had fun. My hands were freezing [fuck you poor blood circulation] and I didn't think it was too bright of me to go out there with a jacket that doesn't form any sort of protection with only a t-shirt on underneath. Then we all talked about our fun times. It was great just having Diljner, Ms. Sarcasm, Leaf, and me all out there hangin' out like the good 'ol times. I can guarantee we'll traspass again just to have another time like that.

Monday, November 22, 2004


Let me start off this section with a short story that happened to me today around 10 in the AM while coming back home from school. I stand by the fact that Mexicans are fucking horrible drivers and that they should fuckin' reconsider the laws leading up to them getting their license. Case in point: As I'm driving home on Rosedale Highway, I am in the fast lane, going a reasonable speed, flowing along with traffic and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Well Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole decides to change lanes in front of me. This guy must have been using a halogen bulbs that emitted invisible fucking light because there was no way in hell I could see his fucking blinker. To top this shit off, I had to hit my brakes in order for him to merge because I didn't see the fucker come in until he almost clips my front end. I change lanes and pass him because he made it his fucking goal to make me go slower [yes, in the fast lane *sigh*] and as I pass, I see this gangsterish looking Mexican, you know, those poser-like ones, just chillin' in his fuckin' car with his wife or girlfriend or hoe. I couldn't tell you what she was. I grit my teeth and took it like a man, but fucking COME people wish to give me material on a daily basis by acting like an asshole? I assume so...

My God people, when will the madness stop? This is a continuation of my "Learn to Fucking Drive" rant because, personally, I see this shit way too much to be silent for any longer. I wasn't silent in the last one, but I didn't put an emphasis on how much old people fuckin' piss me off. I totally wasn't going to do this, but I had to after seeing the shit I saw today.

This morning, I ran a little early on time, and by that I mean that I didn't calculate traffic very well this morning and ended up getting to school half an hour early, giving me some unneeded reflection time that I brilliantly made up into "I need to get some gas" time. So, after driving by the gas station and seeing all the stations being taken up except for one, which was inexcessable because of some asshole and his big truck, I drove the long way back to school; I figured I had enough gas to drive the twelve miles back home. While on my way to school, I stop for a light and see a geriatric couple in a Lincoln or something pull out, followed by some other geezer in a Tacoma. Now, they were both in the same lane for about a minute, but as I follow, the guy in the Tacoma ended up passing the other car. Now, let me get this straight, you are driving SO slow that an old person like yourself fucking PASSES YOU. Does anyone else see a problem with this, or am I just freaking out for nothing? If you drive that fucking slow grandpa get off the fucking road.

When I saw that shit play out, I began laughing like an ass. I hadn't seen such an ironically funny thing like that in a long time. After going through lecture in school, I was driving home and encountered Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole and continued my driving. Jesus, I thought I noticed this before, but there are a lot of fucking old people out on the road between mid-morning and early afternoon. I think this is because all the young "whipper-snappers" aren't on the road to ruin their shit and make their "daily drive" less fun, i.e. driving like the fucking maniacs we are. I'm sorry, but I do not enjoy driving by and looking at old people while passing all of them. Half of them were hunched over the wheel or plain out weren't even tall enough to see over them...*grasps forehead* man...

I know I set a lot of rules for things, but these seem almost necessary for anyones fucking sanity...

::This is all pertaining to old people::

1. If you can't see over the wheel, with or without your adult diaper, you don't deserve to drive

2. If you're hunched over in more than a 60 degree angle, you probably shouldn't drive

3. When you drive and you're mouth is hanging open the whole time and you can barely control the way it functions, you most definately don't have enough control of yourself to drive

4. Driving slow is not necessarily driving safely, in fact, you probably are more likely to cause more accidents. Solution: Don't get behind the fucking wheel

5. If you have no color in your hair, too fucking old...

6. Driving by brail[sp?], not a safe way to drive. Get off the road grandma!

7. If other fucking old people pass you, for God's sake, get away from a vehicle

8. If you own a pair of sunglasses that are bigger than half you're fucking face...then there is no way in hell that you should be able to drive

9. If you can't walk, yet can still drive, what makes you think that you can drive well, because, you can't...

Man oh man... Well, I love my grandparents and all, but I think a safe way to keep these people off the road would be to commit genocide...of old people though, not a race. In fact, they should make up a new name for that: Genericide. Geriatric people + mass killing = Genericide. It's that easy.

You know, you can all prevent this from happening by driving them yourself or locking them in their own house; I would choose the latter of the two. And remember, if you see an old person trying to drive, think of these pictures....

...and just say no...for the love of God, just say no...

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Diljner Cock-block's The Leafblower

Ah, another story from Diljner. I know, I know, posts from me have been few and far between lately but I've been pretty busy. Now on to my tale...

The following events take place on "The Cruise". Leafblower, Arrhythmia and I are pretty jazzed about this certain night. It's the second night of the cruise and we're all supposed to dress up in our finest attire and attend dinner in the 'Four Winds' dining hall. So, after spending a fucking hour trying to teach Leaf how to tie his tie [Unsuccessfully], we're ready to head down. After a race down 6 flights of stairs, we arrive at the dining room and there is this fucking Jenkin's looking butler-guy that tells us we have to wait. To our right is a little library with a few computers and some ports where you can get some internet access. We decide to hang out in there, being the geeks we are, and wait until the hall opens. People started lining up outside. The line started getting really long, but we were in no hurry. About 10 minutes of sitting around bullshitting, and insulting eachother, two VERY attractive members of the opposite sex walk into the library [This is before I met Sarcasm by the way]. They totally looked like porn stars.

Leaf isn't the most outgoing guy, but when these chicks walked in he was fucking on it. Arrhythmia and I were laughing because we knew that he was going to try and run some game on them. They sit down at the opposite end of the library and are looking at us, whispering and giggling a bit. Leaf gets up and strolls over to where they're sitting and takes the couch right next to theirs. He starts off with a little small talk... Asks their names, age, stuff like that. He's making them laugh and they're totally fucking loving him. Arrhythmia and I then go over while he's talking to them. He gives us a look like 'Go the fuck away'. So, what do we do? We fucking sit down right with them and get up in their conversation. [Diljner + Arrhythmia = Uber-pricks]

Leaf tries his damndest to keep up the charm, but he's very clearly nervous now. He knows we're going to fuck this up for him somehow. He continues right along, without a hitch for the next few minutes. They're still loving him. Then, the inevitable happens... [Keep in mind that we're all in the middle of the fucking ocean] Here's our conversation...

Leaf "So, are you ladies from around here?"
[As soon as those words came out of his mouth he knew it was all over.]
Me "The OCEAN?!?"
Girls [Laughing their asses off]
Arrhythmia [Laughing his ass off]
Me [Laughing my ass off]
Leaf "Fuck you guys, they know what I meant! I meant the SOUTH!"

Needless to say, the ladies lost interest in the Leafman. When it was time to enter the hall, they just kind of left without a good-bye. This is probably the only time Leaf has been truly pissed off at me to the point of hatred. But what the hell? Like he was gonna score [Wink Wink]. To this day, when we bring up the story of the aformentioned cock-block, Leaf promptly gives me a "FUCK YOU COCKBLOCKER!"

The Scale of Greatness

As it has been stated, Diljner and I are gamerz, extreme ones at that. Therefore I have created the ultimate "geek" rating scale to go along with our intense loserness. A lot of you won't even rate high on this, if at all. The scale will go from highest to lowest, with the ultimate form of geekness on top and the lowest on bottom. I will also place where the people who are mentioned in Leafblower Blog. Alright, let the fun begin!

Uber Leet Geek aka "]_[!33!2 1337 933!<" - This is the pinticle of geek status. These are the gamerz that do nothing but talk and play [computer only] games and have the skillz to prove it. Also, the action of typing in Leet is done with astounding speed. The use of the words "pwn" and "w00t" must be done on a regular basis and usually first person shooters are this particular gamerz cup of tea. Also, they talk shit like a fucking weasel; this is important because Dilj and I do it on a regular basis. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

Those who fall under this rank: Diljner and Arrhythmia

Leet Geek aka "1337 933!<" - These are the gamerz that are very dedicated to playing [computer gamez only] and use Leet talk like the devil. They play a lot and are okay to pretty good, but aren't the best players. They play a wide variety of gamez, but first person shooters still rule their roost. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

The ones who have established Leet greatness: Mechanism [clan member], Sanction [Diljner's sister], and Chopsticks [our other clan member]

Uber Geek - These fuckers like to play games, but haven't either bothered to learn Leet or just don't care enough. They play computer games, but the majority of them like to play console gamez just as much [psh]. They are the weaker players and even though they get kills every so often, need more practice than their willing to admit.

This catagory contains players such as: StupidWhore and Leafblower [fucking console gamer, but he got to Uber Geek because he plays KoF with me and Diljner a lot]

Geek - These are the beginners, working their way up to becoming the best. [That is never going to happen because the Asian's will always be the best, no matter if you're Leet or Uber Leet....damn them]. They hang out with gamerz all the time and decided to give it a shot, but aren't as dedicated as the other types of geeks.

These poor souls: Ms. Sarcasm [recently moved up]

Nerd - These are the extremely smart people who have heard of computer gamez or have joined up with friends to "watch" them play. There is maybe slight participation in gaming by nerds [but usually not]. Alas there is hope, you are only one step from geekness and can easily accomplish the step. These people are pretty much useless when it comes to any gaming fun and are easily bored whenever the higher ups play [Ms. Sarcasm whenever Diljner, Leaf, and I play KoF].

Current residents: MexicanaBlanca

Roadie/Groupie - Coming upon the last level of geekness/nerdom we come upon the roadie/groupie. These people do minimal anything. They will watch, but unlike the nerd will never participate, ever. They might enjoy watching, but don't seem all that interested in anything pertaining to gamez. There is no chance in hell you will get them to watch you play computer gamez for several hours either, no way. The only way they will watch you is whenever you're playing console or at the arcade.

Those who are contained in this catagory: extrEMO

Alright! There you have it folks, the ultimate scale of geekness. There is no definate answer where you lie, but this will give you a good set of rules to where you stand. I am now done using my geek talk and putting a 'z' after games and using sentances like "this story is so going to pWn. w00t!" Now I'm off to play Half-Life 2...

Oh yea, b0m whores :D Black 0ps Mafia will pwn j00!!

PS [For Diljner only] That's 5 better get to workin'!

The Day extrEMO and Ms. Sarcasm Ruin My Shit

Oh this story is bringing back painful memories, I don't know if I even want to tell it... Ah, what the hell, if it means embarrassing myself for the sake of humor, so be it. Oh yea, and I want to apologize for the laxativity [is that a word?] of my stories, meaning that they have been piss poor lately. To all of you faithful readers out there, I am truly sorry, but hey, what can you do? Exactly, nothing, now sit and read...

"Oh my God, what am I going to do?!" This is just one of the many questions I asked as I talked to myself last Monday, when I realized that my paper was due in two days and I had no clue how to write any part of it. It would not have been so bad if I didn't have to write on such a difficult topic, which was "the history of school prayer and why I am for it." [Side note: this is for Ms. Sarcasm, don't say a damn thing, I already know what you did for me, you don't need to explain to everyone else, thank you]. By the time I came to Ms. Sarcasm's house, I was already a nervous wreck, really edgy, a little tweakish, but the worst thing of it was that I temporarily lost my intelligence. By this I mean I couldn't really make competent sentence structures, my word placement was abysmal, and I couldn't come up with a good comeback to anything if I put my life on it. We later realized the reason for these actions was because I had two bowls of cereal earlier that day and I engulfed the bowl with sugar. Sugar + me + nervousness = disaster a la Arrhythmia.

Well, we got to it, I was still very edgy while Ms. Sarcasm worked her magic and I couldn't keep my mind on any one particular thing. Maybe it was because extrEMO was there, haha, *looks around*, you decide. Anyway, we worked for around two hours and I was already like "fuck this bullshit, I hate school..." and wanted a serious release; sadly, this was not going to happen. Anyway, somewhere along the line, extrEMO gets up and heads to the couch. I get distracted, yet again, and go join her, and I laid next to her and I think I tried to tickle her, I'm not sure, but sure enough, something clicked in her that does in everyone.

extrEMO "Hey, are you ticklish?"
Me [Nervous look] Uh.....


Damnit, damnit, damnit, does everyone have to know I'm super ticklish? She then tries to tickle me, but I grabbed her wrist to try and stop the impending doom of me being tickled, but she said I was being a tad strong. WHAT?! I WASN'T BEING FORCEFUL, I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT STUPID... Well, as soon as I lighten up, *boom*, there goes the fuckin' game. It is no longer her trying to tickle me, it is me, on the ground, laughing like a mental patient, struggling, YES, struggling to get away. extrEMO is not even close to my weight or build, yet she had the upper hand in this battle. She is almost a full foot smaller than me and weights a considerable amount less than me, so there shouldn't have been a problem with me getting away....but noooooo, it was fucking hard. I was flailing about, doing the usual bit whenever someone tickles me, but it wasn't soon over.

Now, if I'm being tickled, I kick, hard, it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else *shrugs*. Well, I was kicking the fuck out of the air and clawing at the floor when this shit happened and extrEMO found it HILARIOUS. God, if she needed more reasons to tickle me, don't let one of them be extreme entertainment. So things are going pretty bad for me and what do you think happens? Ms. Sarcasm finds us in our little "let's abuse the fuck out of [Arrhythmia]" battle and decides it's her God given right to join in. Kill Oh shit, if this is going to happen, there might as well be a pack of rabid dogs that come in when the girls are done to finish my ass off because this was not happening. Anyway, so they're going at it like no other, I have been forced into guerrilla tactics, i.e. knocking the girls off balance, shoving them, etc. This, however, did not work for they found a great way to subdue my body's flailing nature, by straddling me. Most guys out there would think this would be the best fucking thing in the world, believe me, it depends on the situation fellas. extrEMO had my hips in between her legs, holding me for dear life and using her little fingers to poke and prod me; Ms. Sarcasm followed suit not long after. Then, if I wasn't in enough pain, the fuckin' shit hits the fan, I burn the fuck out of my arm on the carpet.

Me [While screaming] "Rug burn! Rug burn! Rug burn!"
Girls [Continue rampage]
Me "It burns! I have a rug burn, you can get off now!"
Girls [Continue rampage, either ignoring me or too busy assaulting me to hear]
Me [Laughs hysterically] "Please...."

By the time I finally get out of their death grips, I had already lost my wallet and my shoe. I ran into the next room breathing like I had just ran a marathon. Of course the girls were laughing their asses off and trying to coax me into coming back into the room., but I eventually went back in. Well, I assumed things were going to be okay because they said they were going to behave, so I got back on the couch and they were like hovering over me with wicked ass looks in their eyes and then….fuck…

Ms. Sarcasm “Mutiny!” [Begins to tickle me again with extrEMO]

After the brief attack, they started laughing at the fact that I was in a fetal position, praying to God that he would bring mercy upon my soul. Ugh…

The worst part of it was that I got rug burns all over my body. I have two scabs on my left knee, one on my right, and a bad fuckin' scab on my right elbow. Those fuckers remind me constantly that two she-devils beat my ass and I'm bigger than both of them. Times are sad in Arrhythmia's world. Let's just hope that this incident was a fluke.

PS [To Diljner only] That is four fucking posts bro, see I told you I'd do it. It's time for you step up and post another one because you are falling behind buddy boy.

Get to work Niggarachi!

Learn to Fucking Drive

How many of you out there have gotten so pissed off at a shitty driver that you wanted to ram their car to the side of the road, pull them out, no matter their age, and proceed to pummel the shit out of them till they cry rape? I know I have, in fact, this shit happens almost everyday in this horrible town called Bakersfield. I swear, if I have to drive behind another person who feels it's their right to drive 40 in a 55 zone, let alone the fuckin' FAST LANE... Oh Jesus, give me strength. I am not saying I am a perfect driver, but fuck people, use common sense. GAHHHHHH!!!

Now, Diljner has already stated in "The Day A Lot of Shit Happened [Parts 1 & 2]" that we are not racist, but however find no problem in saying potentially racist things in our stories. I will stand by this statement as I write this story because, well, in my eyes there are certain races that drive shittier than others. Mind you, I'm not referring to all the people of that particular race, but it has been an observation of mine that those races tend to drive like retards, and we all know why retards can't drive, right?

I have seen several things in my 'driving' days and sometimes I'm just flat out baffled how some people even received their license. Let me explain...

Story #1:
Alright, my mother is super anal about my driving when it comes to going up and down the Grapevine and traveling to Magic Mountain/LA/Ventura/whatever. Well, when she finally cut the leash and let me drive up there on my own, I decided to take a little trip to Magic Mountain with my friend and co-worker StupidWhore. We drove up there around, oh 9:30, but only stayed till 3:30 because we had ridden every roller coaster and it was fucking hot. Well, on the way back to Bakersfield, things seemed to be going quite well, until I got an eye of a Mexican in a Ram. God damnit do I HATE most Mexican drivers because they fuckin' drive like my grandmother and she drives by fuckin' brail[sp?], you know, when they drive to one side of the lane and you hear *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* and then they goes "oh" and turn the wheel enough to go to the other side and you hear the *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* again and they go back and repeat the process fuckin' the whole time you're going. Well, this prick isn't paying attention or something because he almost fuckin' side swipes me. I'll explain this, the tail of his truck got about 1 foot from hitting my truck before I hit the breaks and watched his ass keep going without a stutter. The gate for his bed was right about where the start of my door was, he didn't even have room to pass if he was God, and for about a minute after he did that I was saying to StupidWhore "it's a fuckin' Mexican, I know it, it's a fuckin' Mexican..." He nodded in agreement and stated that he thought the same thing. Then, I increased my speed to catch up the asshole and StupidWhore said, "yup, it's a Mexican." Amazing. This wasn't the only encounter I have had with a piss poor Mexican driver, but I don't need to embellish on that topic, I think I've made that point.

Story #2
This next story occurred on Tuesday, I believe, on the way to my school. This particular day, I decided to take a different route than usual because it was usually faster and I was running late. Well, low and behold, someone was in the fast lane driving slower than usual. Now, I am a little more used to this now than I was when I first started driving, so I waited it out, seeing if this person would change lanes or not. During this period, I couldn't believe the horridness of their driving, they were not only driving slow, but drifting slowly into the lane next to them and then hitting the breaks so they were going fucking slower than before. I said to myself "this bitch must be on her cell phone or something..." and continued my wait. About two minutes later, they realized that I was going to kill them if they didn't move and, slowly, moved to the left lane. I sped up and turned my head to look at them in pure defiance and what do you think happened...

"...Oh my God, she's Asian..."

Yes, I don't know what should have tipped me off first, the slow driving or the drifting. There was a deep desire in me to go crazy and run into her, but I soon suppressed this urge and continued my adventure to school.

Story #3-1,000,000
All old people suck at driving, I don't even need a fuckin' story to emphasize this point. If you ask me, after a person turns 55-60 [depending on their state of mind and competence] their license should be revoked and be forced to get a GETpass . There is no way in hell I'm ever getting into a car with my grandparents if I'm not way.

I bet you're all asking, "why don't you mention people on cell phones?" Oh, don't even get me started on these fuckers. If it was up to me, I would have a law set that bans the use of cell phones while driving, no matter what your age. I know you all agree with me, even those of you who own cell phones themselves, I bet you've gotten your share of rage at a person driving with their cell phone. I'd place a million dollars on it and know I'd win.

You know what, here are some ideas that the DMV should use when determining the capability of a driver:

Mexican applicants: Give them the benefit of the doubt, but test them at least three times with three different instructors to get a real judgment before giving them their license.

Asian applicants: Don't even bother giving these people the benefit of the doubt, you know they're going to suck ass at driving, but test them out anyway. The better of the group will probably show many mistakes and should be given a permanent provisional license [like the ones they give to minors]. The rest should be sent on their merry way to the GET bus station to get their GETpass.

Women applicants:Now, I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, so I'll make it short. Diljner and many other guys I know agree with me [and don't you fuckin' deny it Dilj] that women are usually horrible drivers, not all, but a lot. Hell, I don't like getting in the car with my mother or my sister [when she's in town] because they fuckin' drive like maniacs. I have to be proven to that a woman is confident in her driving before I will get in the passengers seat. Maybe my view is a little biased because my mom scares me shitless when she drives, but I dunno...

Haha, this reminds me of the other day, I at the stoplight on Old River, going North, about to cross Stockdale Highway when I turned to my right to see and older woman on her cell phone. I instantly thought "shouldn't have gotten her license" and proceeded to look to my left. I saw a young girl on her cell phone. The same thought went across my mind and I began to laugh.

Mexican/Asian/Woman applicants: There should be an alarm when someone of this caliber comes into the DMV [*ahem* extrEMO, hehe]. No way in hell should these people get their license, that's like aiding in vehicular manslaughter. If you want an instant pass to hell, give a Mexican/Asian/woman their license, I'll be sure to send you a thank you bomb for putting another one on the road.

As I close this story I'll leave you with this: I am in no way/shape/or form against people driving how they want, as long as it is within the law. I can guarantee you that I am a horrible driver myself and that I do a lot of shit that shouldn't be allowed. This whole idea came upon me because of the few drivers out there who piss me off tend to be Mexica, Asian, or women. White people suck at driving more than they'd like to admit, but fuck them, they suck anyway [ironic]. Haha, hopefully this story won't get me my ass handed to be.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

How I Met Ms. Sarcasm and Why She Used to Suck

Here we go again with yet another story that occurred over a year ago. Not surprisingly, a lot of shitty things seemed to happen to me between the ages of fifteen and seventeen. Oh well, that's life and here's another story.

Alright, let me set the scene for all you guys and gals, I was ...sixteen, and I had a very good friend, [of the time], named Vince, [no surname for him]. Well, Vince and I met a girl named [Ms. Sarcasm] while reading some magazines one weekend; a sort of odd interaction took place. Well, as things so have it, she was a very cool person, a tad over opinionated and very strong-willed, but I'm the same way, so I took it in stride. Little did I know that she would become an evil, conniving Nazi. Do not think I'm elaborating or over-exaggerating, you will soon know what I mean... Anywho, she seems to think I'm cute, [yea, I know, go figure], and got this grand idea to show a picture of me or some shit to her friend, BlondeDevil; this is where my hell starts.

[Side note: I couldn't really find a place to put this in the story, so I'll describe her here. She was a short blonde who was pretty cute, nice face, good figure, etc. But that doesn't account for everything, at least to me.]

Well, as the way thing pan out, Devil thinks I'm hot shit and seemingly wants to have my children as well, because she is all over this like vultures on a fresh carcass. I have never been so hotly pursued by a girl in my entire life, hell, I don't think I have ever really been pursued by a girl...*meh*. So, this seems like a typical stalker case, she's like fucking everywhere I am and is either accompanied by Ms. Sarcasm or her other bitchy friends. Now, I bet you're wondering, "if she was all into your shit and so apparently wanted your penis, why didn't you hit that?" No matter how this comes out, I can guarantee some of you will think I'm a dumbass.

Reason #1: Her ass was fucking fourteen

What's the problem with that? Well, I'll tell you: I was turning seventeen in like a month or two and she was still going to be fourteen for another two months AFTER my birthday. This may not seem like a big difference when I'm say, twenty-one, and the girl would be like nineteen a few months later, but when you're sixteen, that shit doesn't settle right. To some, age doesn't mean shit, but to me, at that time, that was like a fuckin sin. Don't ask why, I'm eighteen now, I really don't remember my reasoning that well. As far as I'm concerned now, sixteen and older, nothing less...

We'll come to the other reasons as the story progresses, so, when I'd see this girl, she'd be with her so-called 'posse' of girls, which was more like Genghis Khan and his fuckin' army. I swear, she had like twenty girls that she knew around her at all times; it was inane and unnecessary. Well, I had gotten to know Ms. Sarcasm pretty well by this time because she always talked to me about how Devil was 'soooooo into me' and how she thought I was 'sooooooo perfect', but we also talked about other stuff that means nothing now. After getting to know her, I felt pretty comfortable around her, except when she did the most annoying thing anyone could do to you when they're trying to help you with a 'relationship' or something of that nature, she fuckin' pulls me aside in front of EVERYONE and starts lecturing me like she's my mother. She'd be like 'you have to do this and that' and 'talk to her more' and so on and so on, spouting bullshit left and right. By this time, I was already unsure about Devil and this was not exactly helping. This persists for months, I'd go out on the weekend and there they were, waiting for me, and again, Ms. Sarcasm would pull me aside and have a 'chat'. If God gave Mercy Smiting as a lifeline, I would have used mine right then and there.

Where were my Guardian Angels to come save me from this part of Hell that just decided to pop up in the middle of fucking Bakersfield? Apparently, they were on a long ass lunch break. By the first month of this bullshit, I began to grow weary and didn't know how to deal with the insanity that had become my social life. Not only was I seeing Ms. Sarcasm face to face every weekend to get my 'talk', but Devil's little friends thought it was their single most purpose in life to fuck with mine.

Reason #2: BlondeDevil's friends were douche bags

Let me explain, every time I got out of my truck, there they were. They'd surround my Tacoma and barrage me with 'why don't you date [Devil], she really likes you' or 'stop being such an asshole and date her'. Why would I want to date a girl who's friends try to stomp my balls time and time again?

This whole situation was getting stale, I was emotionally drained and started getting weaker mentally. By this, I mean I was contemplating dating her just to get her friends to shut the fuck up. What was really bad was that during the weekdays, when I didn't have to deal with Devil's psychotic friends, I would still have to deal with Ms. Sarcasm and her power of persuasion. Even though it didn't work directly, she had a hand in me finally giving in. It took about two more months of bitching from the friends and counseling from Ms. Sarcasm before my mind snapped. In total, close to five months of my life was wasted trying to avoid dating this girl.

Reason #3: She just sucked in general, basically, I didn't like her personality

Devil seemed to be a very dull person, she didn't appeal to me in any way emotionally. How was I going to start liking a girl that I thought was less interesting than a brick. It just didn't make sense to me, but I guess, her tactics eventually worked.

Finally, it happened, I gave in and said that I would go out with her. [This next part was totally fucked up on my part, but whatever, she did it to herself when she had me get pressured into dating her]. After telling her I would finally give it a shot, she went out of town for, um, close to a week. In that period of time, I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I had been duped into doing this and decided to cut the bullshit out of my life. When she got back from her trip, I just straight up said that I wasn't going to go out with her and that nothing would change my mind. Thank you God, because after I said that, I was released from the hell that was the past five months.

[Side note: Reading this you only get a small idea of what truly happened, if I told you everything in full detail, you'd be emotionally scarred.]

After this fiasco was finished, I didn't really talk to Ms. Sarcasm for close to six months, probably more. Then, when I started to talk to her and things got cool between us again, she began apologizing constantly for her part in it. I'd be an ass every so often and bring up the whole 'Devil' issue and she'd apologize again for thirty minutes; this occurred about twice a week. Nowadays, things are fine between us, we've had our differences, gotten in a few fights, but nothing we didn't eventually get over. Yes, Ms. Sarcasm used to suck the big one, but now she's CAF aka Cool As Fuck. I eventually introduced her to Diljner, but that story is for another time. Right now, I think she is sorta trying to make up for her past by introducing me to her friend, extrEMO, but let's hope this one ends up better.

[Side note: Ms. Sarcasm, Diljner, extrEMO, and I were at the arcade a couple of weeks ago and Sarcasm fucking pulls me aside again to tell me some undisclosed information [something like "oh my fucking God, [Arrhythmia] is so hott, I wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"] and I was so fuckin' embarrassed and really pissed off that she did that; I didn't want to deal with this shit again. It's sort of funny, Diljner did the same thing, I thought he was going to tell me the same shit as Ms. Sarcasm, but I was wrong, he wasn't. When I mistook his secretive actions, I grabbed his throat and we proceeded to fight in the arcade, nothing major, but whatever. He ended up tripping me to end the squabble and all was fine. We then played KoF 2002 and 2003 to our heart's content while the girls got bored and talked to each other.]

sXeSicnessForevr: haha im finishin up another story
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: really?!?!?!?!?!??!
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: put me in it
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: and say i said "omfg [Arrhythmia] is so hott i wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Liar: The Queerboy

Okay, I have to start off by telling you the set up to this conversation. Diljner and I had yet again taken the liberty to take CompulsiveLiar out of his gloomy home and into my truck to show him the beauties of Bakersfield [now there's an oxymoron]. Anyway, this whole thing started when Liar wanted us to pick up some beat girl [refer to 'The Day A Lot of Shit Happened: Parts 1 & 2' to get her description] so he could have relations with her; that's fucking gross... Not the act, but those two together, it's like two hogs fucking in mud. Anyway, Liar offered me $600 dollars to do this for him, so I had to call up the Dilj-meister to get his input on the situation. He straight up said "don't do it dude" and I knew I shouldn't, but he could also sense the urgency in my voice as I told him. Six hundred dollars is a lot of money and I'm not doing too well financially, so, this was either a Godsend, or a curse. After denying his first offer, Liar then offered a grand, a mother fucking grand...

Oh Jesus, what do I do...

De-fuckin'-nied! I couldn't do that to him and have that on my conscience the whole time, not that I would feel bad about taking his money, but if his mother found out or worse, if someone knew Diljner and I were aiding a minor into having sex, well, in our terms: "We see cops written all over this..."

Well, the rest of the day goes pretty much without a problem, Liar sustained his continuously annoying ways, but we ignore him, learning to do this after our first major encounter with him. He also kept asking us to pick up the beat chick from her school so he could fuck her in the bathroom, '007 style'. Bullshit, he wouldn't have time, especially at his psychiatrist appointment. No matter our our answer, he kept telling us that he could do it and that it would be great. Unless he claimed to have cronic constipation, he wouldn't have a reason to be in the bathroom that long... We also knew his judgement was clouded when he told us we couldn't get in trouble as adult because we aren't adults. According to him, you aren't an adult till you turned 21....idiot....

We were all tired of his bullshit by the time we had to take him to his appointment and we were still struggling with the 'pick the chick up' BS, so we just sorta became deaf to his rants, until I come up with defining question:

Me "How many relationships have you been in?"
Diljner "...Sexual relationships, buddy..."
Liar "Well, like sexually, like...five, relationship wise."
Diljner "BULLSHIT!!"
Liars [Mutters name Seth]
Me [Laughs uncontrollably]
Diljner "Who are we asking now?" [Chuckles]
Liar "I'm trying to remember...what's his name..."
Diljner "HIS name? Whadyou just say, Seth?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "It's a guy?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "You were in a sexual relationship with a guy?!"
Liar "NO!"
Me "Ughhh..." [Laughs]
Diljner "Oh dude, you were trippin' me out there for a minute..."
Me "[Liar]'s going to get his balls sucked by some dude..."
Diljner "Hahaha, ewwwww..."

And here is the one of the defining moments...

Liar "I only did that once..."
Diljner and Me "WHATTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!"
Liar "I'm kidding."
Diljner "Whoa dude, no no no no no, [Liar] just admitted himself to having his balls sucked by a"
Me "....named SETH."
Diljner "...named Seth. He said only once though." [Laughs] "Makith that what you will, I, I mean, I don't know what to do with it..."
Me "We don't know what to do with [Liar] period."
Me "Full nude?"
Liar "Full moon!"
Diljner "He got his balls sucked full nude on a Saturday night."
Liar "I said 'full moon', 'full moon' man... 'Full moon.'"
Diljner "Okay...."
Me "You got your balls sucked on yo......"
Liar "Kidding..."
Me "Then why do you keep emphasising that?"
Liar "I don't know... Well, that, kinda...did..."
Me "Do you even know how to joke with that?"

Then something that disturbed Diljner and me both...

Liar [Starts talking, I soon cut him off]
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait....weren't you the one that said you were watching a porn, one day, and the guy was trying to eat his own cum and he was going AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGRRRRRHHHH!!!
Liar "Yeah."
Me "Yeah, why were you watching that?"
Diljner "Yeah, I'd like to hear this too, so..."
Liar "I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO..." [Laughs]
Diljner "No no no no..."
Me "I thought you said you were with a female cousin though, you're changing your story?"
Diljner "Eat a fucking peanut butter sandwich dude, don't sit there watching some dude trying to suck himself off, that's disgusting..."
Me " his own....cum?"
Diljner "Whatever."
Liar "He got it though."
Me "Gah... [Liar chuckles] Oh, what?! You watched it that far?!
Diljner "Wow dude, you must have watched it for like... 10 minutes, I mean, 11 minutes..."
Me "Gahhhh...." [Shivers]
Liar "It's fifteen..."
Me "Damn!"
Diljner "It's fifteen minutes?"
Me "Oh my God! What is wrong with you dude?"
Diljner "[Liar], are you gay?"
Me "Partially..."
Liar "On a full moon." [While laughing]
Diljner "Oh God..."
Liar "I'm kidding..."
Diljner "Are you, heh?"
Liar "Yeah!"
Diljner "Wow dude...not..." [He just stops, completely speechless]

I am so thrown off by this that I am sort of driving a tad off...

Me "If I wreck, please, please don't blame me."
Diljner and Liar [Laugh]
Me "Please..."

Did you notice how many times he said he was kidding in that conversation? That just proved to me and Diljner that something was up and that he was, in fact, not kidding. Wow, that was distrubing and surprising hilarious. I never would have thought that this conversation would ever come up between me, Diljner, and Liar. I hope to God it's the last time......shit....

Monday, November 08, 2004

Diljner's Halloween Story

Well, I finally found some time to write a new post. This is a story about my Halloween. By the end of this story, any nagging assumptions of me being an idiot will be confirmed.

It’s the day before Halloween, and we’re all excited. My girlfriend, we’ll call her Ms. Sarcasm, was returning from her vacation on Halloween. Arrhythmia and I are making all these kick ass plans of blowing shit up and robbing small children. We were like giddy little school girls. Our plans were to include Leafblower, Arrhythmia, Ms. Sarcasm, and myself all hanging out and doing the aforementioned. Halloween rolls around and due to disagreements between Arrhythmia and Sarcasm, our plans go horribly awry. But Sarcasm and I decide to just have a quiet night alone at my house watching scary movies and eating pizza. Arrhythmia and Leaf had a plan B as it seemed. So I went and picked up Sarcasm and we watched movies, and the night was slow but I was enjoying her company. Just as things are going fine, BOOM Arrhythmia and Leaf bust through my front door and head straight for the pizza. The night just got interesting. Leaf was dressed up as a badass cowboy. He had the hat, funny ass tight pants, boots and this pimp ass fucking belt buckle with a skull on it. That shit even came with a lighter and a bottle opener. He walks into my den and I’m laughing my fucking ass off. Here’s our conversation…

Diljner “I like your costume [Leaf], are you gay for Halloween?”
Leaf “Costume? This isn’t a fucking costume.”
Arrhythmia “HAHAHA.”

Well, there we are laughing, eating more pizza, having a great time. Sarcasm notices that Arrhythmia is wearing eye make-up. That was basically his costume. So she looks at me and asks if she can put make-up on me. At first this kind of disturbs me, but I decide ‘What the hell?’ So she puts make-up on me. Lipstick, eyeliner, the whole she-bang. I go take a gander in the mirror and to my great surprise, I look fucking pretty. Well anyways, Arrhythmia decides to part ways with us. As he is leaving I also notice that it’s getting a bit late and decide it’s time to take Sarcasm and Leaf home. This is where the story gets all sucky for Dilj-man.

We all hop in my car, and start to head to Leaf and Sarcasm’s part of town. All of a sudden Sarcasm says, “[Diljner] don’t we need gas?” I look at the gas gauge and I indeed do need gas. So we pull into the near-by 7/11. Now remember, I still look like a French whore, and we’re heading into public. Leaf and I get out and start to enter the 7/11. Sarcasm calls out from the car. “[Diljner], throw me the keys, I need to get my costume wings out of your trunk!” So I get the keys out of my pocket and I throw them. The next 5 seconds were slow motion for me. I watch as my car-keys sail up…. Up …. Up…and right on top of the fucking 20 foot high awning over the gas pumps. My stomach sinks, and my heart moves into my throat. I drop to my knees and start screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!! FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!” Just then I notice one of the Arabian 7/11 workers outside with a broom. Our conversation went something like this…

Diljner “Hey you! Hey! Do you have a fucking ladder? Hey Arabian guy! I’m fucking talking to you!
Arabian guy “My bro, no, uh…. No ladder! No ladder!
Diljner “FUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!! I just threw my fucking car keys up there!”

There I am, looking like a very ugly woman with sideburns. Screaming at a Saudi-Arabian convenience store worker.

At this point I’m just a whirl-wind of obscenities. A by-stander who saw the whole ordeal walks up to me and says, “Dude, you’re an idiot.” I look at him like ‘Thanks asshole, tell me something I don’t know.’ He then says, “But, I’m an idiot too, where do you live? I’ll give you a ride.” Wow, fucking saved. Thank you God! We walk over to his shitty ass beat up car. I think it was a Gremlin or some shit. Piss yellow with green primer all over it. But you know what? It was a vehicle and it was going to save us. At this point I’m so happy, he’s adjusting the back seat for us to sit in. We ask his name, he tells us that he is TJ. Well TJ you’re a fucking life saver. I walk around to the back of his car for some reason and apparently miss the following. Leafblower and Sarcasm are standing near TJ and he pulls out this big ass fucking hunting knife with an 8 inch blade. From this point on Sarcasm is fearing for her life, Leaf, on the other hand, isn’t really bothered by this. Here is their conversation from what they told me.

Leaf “TJ, your not gonna kill us are you bro?
TJ “Um… No, well, here I’ll put the knife in the back seat.
Sarcasm [Holding back from screaming]

He then puts the knife away right as I walk back. I say, “TJ, bro you rock man, we’d have had to walk all the way home and all the way back to the gas station. He smiles at me and I think that this TJ is quite the admirable fellow. Sarcasm runs up and starts hugging me. I look down and she reaches up to whisper in my ear… “[Diljner] this isn’t a good idea, I don’t feel safe getting in the car with this TJ guy.” I laugh and tell her how cute she is when she’s worried. [God I’m a prick] Keep in mind now that I have no clue that TJ has a knife that could kill a rhino. So I say “Get in Sarcasm.” And proceed to help her into the back seat of TJ’s ride. While in the car TJ tells us a story about a similar time he gave some folks a ride. Here is his story as he told it…

Dudes, this one time… I gave these fucks a ride. It was me and my brother and we picked them up and my brother sat in the back seat between the two of them. They looked fucking scary but my brother was carrying a double sided shank so he could stab them if they got squirly.

There was this silence for about a minute… then Leaf starts laughing his ass off. Sarcasm and I are a bit unnerved by TJ’s story. I live in a gated community so we have a code to get in the front gates. TJ asks me the code, and like a dumbass, I tell him it… He drives me right to my front door. We get out and bid him a fond farewell. We all agree that TJ is indeed, a fucking psycho. I run in and get my extra set of keys. Leaf and I have to walk back to the gas station, so we leave Sarcasm in my room and head out. The gas station is about 2 miles from my house, not the longest walk but it was fucking freezing. We finally arrive at my car, buy gas and coffee and leave to pick sarcasm back up. I was supposed to have Ms. Sarcasm home by 11:45… It was now almost 1:00. When we arrive at her house I have to explain to her mother the whole ordeal. I still don’t think she believes me yet. After dropping them off, I start to head home. There’s no traffic, and I have some time to reflect on what transpired this night. I then realize, “OH SHIT, fucking psycho TJ knows where I live. He knows my gate combination… He knows where my fucking car keys are!!! FUCK! I’m Fucking DEAD!” I didn’t sleep well that night. Every noise I heard I had to investigate and make sure it wasn’t that fucker TJ and his knife.
*It is confirmed… Diljner is an idiot*

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Um, Yea...

Again, we must apologize to our adoring fans for the lack of posts in the past couple of days. We are currently numbing our brains out with economic gibberish so as to produce the so called, 'promised shirts'. Yea, you know, the ones we were going to make for you guys? Well, we're getting stalled on that, but expect a new story soon enough.

Later cheeseheads

Monday, November 01, 2004

The Day a Bunch of Shit Happened [Part Deux]

Ah, hello again children. Where did we leave off? Oh yes! We had just finished being screened by Liar’s psychiatrist and were now on our way to the costume store. We arrive at the shopping center where the costume shop is. We see two homeless people hitting up countless vehicles for cash. We lose sight of them and proceed to park. Right as we park, out of nowhere come the two bums. Now, before I go into this any further… Let me explain to you Liar’s little predisposition to randomly give out large amounts of money he may be carrying to people he doesn’t even know. Its part of his condition I guess. The kid’s fucking screwed up. Anyways, the homeless people approach Arrhythmia’s truck. Here’s the conversation…

Diljner “Fuck! They have us surrounded!
Arrhythmia “What are we going to do?”
Diljner “Fuck this! I’m gonna get out and say something!”
[Opens car door]
Bum #1 “Sir, could you spare a bit of change?”
Diljner “Oh… Sorry man, I’m all tapped out… see that guy in the truck [Arrhythmia] I’m sure he can help you out.
Arrhythmia “Dude, [Diljner], what the hell? You're an asshole..."[forks out a dollar]
Diljner “Every man for himself!”
[I know, I know… I’m a dick]

The bums offer to wash Arrhythmia’s windows for some money. So, Leaf generously offers them money to do so. After handing them like $2, the bums start to head over to wash his windows. Arrhythmia screams, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don’t touch my windows!!!” Needless to say they backed the fuck off. At this point I’m laughing my ass off. So the bums make off with Leaf’s money and they did no work for it. He was pretty pissed off. These two bums were unusually fucking happy for somebody in there position after we gave them like 3 bucks all together. They were all smiles and shit. They run off giggling amongst themselves. We enter the costume store. We go to the back of the shop where the masks are located. The kid working there looked to be about 12 years of age. As we look at the masks, Liar looks at me and Leaf and decides to give us both $20. Leaf’s face lights up but I take the 20 away from him and give Liar the $40 back. Again, the kid’s sick. The guy working there goes, “Hey, let him hand out free money if he wants to.” I gave that fucker a look that could kill. He got all quiet and fidgety after that… what a puss. None of us found anything this trip. So, we decided to just take off. Liar suddenly exclaims, “Oh shit, I gave those bums a fucking $20 bill!”

Leaf, Arrhythmia, Diljner [Simultaneous UGH!]

Well, we finally found out why these bums were so fucking euphoric. The little dick acts like we’re supposed to help his little punk ass out of his predicament. Since we knew that he gave them the money on purpose, we made the little shit go over and try to get his money back alone. We were making wagers as to whether or not Liar would return with his anal virginity intact. He comes walking back, sure enough with his $20. What an awkward situation. Well, we’re now in the truck beginning to pull out when Liar has another exclamation… “Dudes, I gotta call this hot girl, she’s hot… hott!” Well, we decided that if she was in fact, a hotty… that Liar must indeed call her. He wanted Arrhythmia to go pick her up from her house. Liar calls the girl up. He’s chatting to her, and I’m beginning to question if this girl is but a fictional character in Liar’s fucked up little world… So I ask to talk to her. Well, sure enough, she was real. And apparently she was really into Liar. Something had to be wrong, I thought, but Liar assured us that she was indeed hot and that he had to see her today. He then offered Arrhythmia $20 to pick her up, but he was beginning to decline when Leaf and I say, "no dude, take it! It's gas money...". Needless to say, he eventually accepted. Before we started to go, Liar asked Arrhythmia if we could drive her around and he told him that she wouldn't fit. Well, Liar handed Arrhythmia 20 more dollars and said, "make her fit..." Arrhythmia exclaimed, "She'll fit." We get the directions from her and off we go. She gave Liar some shitty ass directions too. It took us like 45 fucking minutes to find her house. Well we found her house, and her. Boy, did we find her. This chick was so fucking beat, I cannot begin to describe it. Like, imagine a fetus… well, take that fetus and super-size it… and put some fucked up hair on it, there she is! Well, we tell Liar to get in the car and we just drive off. Needless to say Liar was pissed and we were laughing our asses off. Well, the day pretty much dwindled down from there. We went to Arrhythmia’s house and Liar’s mom came and picked his ass up. Thank god. Leaf and I went and bought some Take-n-bake pizza and we all watched the world series. All in all it was one of the most interesting days we’ve had in a while.

*Why I said black people would be offended by this post… [Diljner’s little side story]

We were leaving from the mall, we drove by this Jack in the Box that was currently being renovated. Here’s Leaf’s little comment about the JITB.

Leaf “Dude, I hope that when they rebuild that Jack in the Box, they put up a sign that says ‘NO NIGGARS!’ They’ll never get the smell out from last one!”

Me and Arrhythmia are tripping off of his comment. He then says, “What? You fucks were thinking it too.”

*The editors of Leafblower blog are not racist… nor is Leafblower himself. We hate everybody the same. If you feel that you have not been hated upon equally by us, send us an email and we will do our best to ruin your shit to your satisfaction. Thank you… [The Leafblower Staff.]

Computer Owns Console; Leaf Throws Fit

Trip time, yet again; this time: BestBuy - Day of the Liar. You should all remember this, when Liar got dropped off at his psychiatrist appointment, Leaf, Diljner, and I took a trip to BestBuy so I could buy a copy of Dawn of the Dead [which I have yet to watch.....*grrr*] and to get one for Liar, since, he annoyed us into getting it. I was stoked [forgive me] to get it, seeing that it's my favorite movie this year. So after this we travel around a bit, looking at music, going to software, then to the laptops. Well, while looking at the laptops, Leaf spots the "Sonic the Hedgehog Compelation" or whatever. It basically has 7 of the past Sonic games on it, Sonic 1, 2, 3, Sonic and Knuckles, Sonic Spinball, etc. So he has this genius plan, since the game is 'relatively' cheap, ....he can use the left over money that Liar gave him to purchase DotD to buy the game! Oh shit, now we gotta make up a lie for him to tell Liar so he can use it, we do that later on though.

Anyway, after getting the game, Diljner and Leaf spot the Xbox arena area, by the games, freak out, and run over to it. The game they pick doesn't seem to work, so I plop down in the seat next to them and try playing the basketball game. I get Leaf to join me, but the remote he gets seems to be just as fucked up as the one from the other game. So, I play by myself for like three minutes, and I get my shit ruined by the computer. I am sorta shamed, but since I'm not a console gamer, I don't really care. After this, we're just sitting and I see a BestBuy guy and tell him that the controller is messed up. After 5 minutes of getting a battery and screwing with the Xbox, he gets it to work. Let's hear it for asking for help! So, Leaf and I get on seperate teams and the 'supposed' slaughter of my team is about to occur. You can tell Leaf is a little more confident in his playing than I am, so the game starts off a tad shitty for me. He slams the ball on his first shot...what the hell man, I don't even know how to pass...

Me "[Leaf], how'd you do that?"
Leaf "I don't know..."
Me "No really, how'd you do it?"
Leaf "I just pressed a button."
Me "Shit, how do you pass!!" [shoots ball on accident from half court *slaps forehead*]
Leaf and Dilj [Laugh]
Me "How do you pass!"
Leaf "I don't know, I don't have an Xbox, try A."
Diljner "It's pretty damn close to a GameCube."
Leaf "NO IT'S NOT!"
Diljner "Whatever..."
Me "Oh, that's how you pass... How do you slam again?"
Leaf "I don't know."
Me "Fine."

We play for one quarter [I set it to 5 minutes for that particular game]. And during the beginning, like I said, it looked like Leaf was going to pwn me. Hehehe, nope, his ass got smashed. I start busting out my mad gaming skillz, because apparently, I'm so good, I can rape on console too. I miss a few shots, get the ball stolen from me a few times, but in the end the score ended up being like: Me: 23 Leaf: 12. Can you say raped without lubricant? I know I can...several times. When the end of the quarter came...oh shit, look out!

Diljner "HAHAHAHAHA," [I'm laughing too] " just lost to a computer gamer [Leaf]!"
Me [Still laughing my ass off with Diljner]
Diljner "He NEVER plays console games, and you lost to him!! HAHAHAHAHA!!"
Leaf "I don't play Xbox asshole. Plus, he got to play for 5 minutes before me."
Me "Wha?! That doesn't mean shit man, I never play these stupid things."
Leaf "Doesn't fucking matter! You still played before me!"

By this time, we're making a small scene, not that anyone was looking, or really even cared, but we started getting loud.

Leaf [Gets up with with real stern face and starts like freaking out in the middle of BestBuy, sorta flailing his arms around everywhere like he's about to bring the beatdown to me and/or Diljner] "Fuck you guys!"

He then tries to walk away from us, we are still cracking up as this happens...

Diljner "Haha, you still lost to a computer gamer..."

Alright, alright, let me explain the significance of this event in more detail. I've already explained that Diljner and I are computer gamers to the extreme. We shun consoles and most console gamers. We just find them to be pieces of shit that are far below computer game standards. We never play consoles, nor will we ever, unless it's for the sake of Halo 2 or something to that nature. We play games like: Counter-Strike 1.6, Counter-Strike: Source, Battlefield 1942, Call of Duty, War Hammer 40,000 - Dawn of War, games from the Star Wars Series, etc. Yes, we are computer nerds, but if you base everything else you know about us, our awesomeness cancels that shit out. Now, Leaf is a switch hitter in the gaming world. He plays computer games with us [rarely], but also plays games like Metroid Prime at home on his GameCube. He knows how to play console a lot better than I do, this is why we ragged his ass about the humiliating defeat casted down upon him by yours truly. It was a beautiful sight indeed.

After the scene we caused, things died down and we went to the registers to buy our stuff. Liar gave Leaf somewhere around 30 dollars to buy DotD for him and the movie ended up being like 15 bucks on some sale. Leaf took this to his advantage and only ended up spending like 8 dollars of his own money to get the game. Yes, we're all going to burn in hell....naw, we rock too much. This was our excuse to Liar though:

Us "Uh yea dude, the movie was like 25 bucks..."
Liar "Thanks guys!"
Us "....uh...yea..."

Then we went on to suffer a few more hours with Liar, but you'll read about that in "The Day A Bunch of Shit Happened [Part 2]".