Friday, November 26, 2004

My Friends and I Think Hard

Alright, so yesterday went off without a hitch, I visited family in LA and we had a great time. I was surprised because there was no fighting or throwing of food. Exceptional. After spending many hours with my cousins, aunt, parents, and other people that had no significant impact in my life, I went home. Now, I wasn't allowed to drive to LA or back because my parents said ...well, that I just couldn't. No justification, no nothin', just "no". Sadness overflowed me, but I knew I had a way to deal with being in their presence the whole time in the car, so I grabbed a borrowed cd player and a book and read the whole time. Okay, I never read, that's how bad it usually is with them. I love um, but having conversations without fighting is rare, so I use my ultimatums a lot. Once I got home, I called around and found out where Diljner, Leafblower, and Ms. Sarcasm were. After arriving at there home some twenty minutes later [or so, Ms. Sarcasm lives far away], I was introduced with the idea of fishing. So, while Diljner and Sarcasm waited at her house, me and the Leaf went over to his house and got the goods, i.e. poles, bait, etc.

We came back and made a plan with Diljner to meet up at his house, but before that Leaf and I were to get weights, a net, and something else from my grandparents house. We stopped by a convienience store and bought two 2-liter bottles of Root Beer [mmmmmmm] and some candy. We then scurried over to the grandparents and woke my grandfather up to help us get the equipment. The equipment getting process took about twenty minutes [yes, my grandfather is slow] and we were off to Diljner's. On the way to his house, we had one of our award winning conversations...again:

Leaf "Would you have sex with Rosie O'Donald to cure cancer?"
Me "Um...gah...would you? ...to cure cancer, like think of all the rolls and shit, but think of all the...."
Leaf "....No, dude, you can't ask me after I ask you...I'll give you my answer after you give me yours."
Me "Alright, well.... she's fucking disgusting for one thing."
Leaf [Starts chuckling like he always does]
Me "She looks like a beached whale..."
Leaf "She's a cooooooooooooooow..."
Me "Um...well, and she's a lesbian too, like she's a super dyke, she got fucking married..."
Leaf "To a girl..."
Me "To a girl....ugh....well, I mean, well, but it's to cure cancer, right?"
Leaf "Uh huh."
Me "So I have to suffe- for how long, would this be a quickie?
Leaf "One time dude."
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, could it be a quickie or does it have to be a looong drawn out process."
Leaf "Aboooout twenty minutes."
Me "Twenty minutes?!"
Leaf "Twenty minutes."
Me "Uggggghhhhh [Shivers in disgust]..........and I would cure, is this cancer forever?"
Leaf "Cancer ...forever..."
Me "Forever."
Leaf "Ever...and eva and eva..."
Me "Damn."
Leaf "Come on [Arrhythmia], don't be greedy."
Me "Ummm...."
Leaf "You can't be selfish with on something like this."
Me "No, I was talking about the stick." [I grinded it a second before on accident]
Leaf "Oh..."
Me "Okay, anyways..."
Leaf [Chuckles]
Me "Well, uh...you know what, I would endure twenty minutes or horrible, horrible, retched, fat cow sex..."
Leaf "Not if you close your eyes..."
Me "No, no, no, no, no, no...it's not even that, you have to feel her body...imagine that, you'd have to feel her body."
Leaf "And the kind of sounds too..."
Me "And you could hear [makes sucking, squishing noises]...and you like, there's so many rolls that you get like sucked under one......uggghhh." [Shivers again]
Leaf "See I would do it, just so I could get laid..."
Me "Are you serious?"
Leaf "And curing cancer, and cure cancer..."
Me "You would have sex with Rosie O'donald just for the hell of it?"
Leaf "Naw dude, to cure cancer, but uh, would you have sex with her to cure....crabs?"
Me "NO, fuck no." [Laughs] "Would you have sex with her to cure AIDS?"
[A brief pause]
Leaf "AIDS..." [Long pause] "........................um, yea...."
Me "No, no, no, why? Give reasons though..."
Leaf "What do you mean? No, no no, fuck no...if you get AIDS, you deserve to get AIDS 'cause you got AIDS."
Me "What, what, okay what's your-"
Leaf "-Maybe-"
Me "-No, no, no, what if your mother had AIDS and you were born with AIDS because your mother had it."
Leaf "If I could only cure those people, then yea, I'd do it."
Me "Like, just the people who don't deserve it."
Leaf "Yeah!"
Me "So you would-"
Leaf "Then that'd cure a loooot of Afircans..."
Me "Af-ri-cans?"
Leaf "I don't really like Africans..."
Me [Makes weird noise]
Leaf "WHAT?!" [Laughs]
Me "Um, anyways....um...."
[Long pause]
Me "You don't like niggars or you don't like Africans...?"
Both [Laugh]

This conversation ends and Leaf tells me this...

Leaf "So I almost got beat up for being a racist by some Mexicans."
Me "Why?"
Leaf "Well, because, um, I mumbled something about 'this is why I don't watch fuckin' Mexican movies 'cause they're fuckin' stupid,' [I begin to laugh] and then, this chick named Vanessa, she was 'what? What did you say?' and I was like 'I didn't say that...' and then she goes over to her friends next door, and said 'did you hear him? He said he don't like Mexican girls 'cause we're stupid!' [I'm laughing my ass off] And I was like "' didn't say that! I didn't say that!' and they were going to beat my ass, I'm not even lying..."

After this was said, we arrived at Diljner's and went off to go fishing. We drove around for like two minutes, went off to some side road where some houses are being built, and then traspassed to go in to a local canal. We were fishing for a little bit, we didn't catch jack shit, but we had fun. My hands were freezing [fuck you poor blood circulation] and I didn't think it was too bright of me to go out there with a jacket that doesn't form any sort of protection with only a t-shirt on underneath. Then we all talked about our fun times. It was great just having Diljner, Ms. Sarcasm, Leaf, and me all out there hangin' out like the good 'ol times. I can guarantee we'll traspass again just to have another time like that.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Genericide

Let me start off this section with a short story that happened to me today around 10 in the AM while coming back home from school. I stand by the fact that Mexicans are fucking horrible drivers and that they should fuckin' reconsider the laws leading up to them getting their license. Case in point: As I'm driving home on Rosedale Highway, I am in the fast lane, going a reasonable speed, flowing along with traffic and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Well Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole decides to change lanes in front of me. This guy must have been using a halogen bulbs that emitted invisible fucking light because there was no way in hell I could see his fucking blinker. To top this shit off, I had to hit my brakes in order for him to merge because I didn't see the fucker come in until he almost clips my front end. I change lanes and pass him because he made it his fucking goal to make me go slower [yes, in the fast lane *sigh*] and as I pass, I see this gangsterish looking Mexican, you know, those poser-like ones, just chillin' in his fuckin' car with his wife or girlfriend or hoe. I couldn't tell you what she was. I grit my teeth and took it like a man, but fucking COME ON.....do people wish to give me material on a daily basis by acting like an asshole? I assume so...


My God people, when will the madness stop? This is a continuation of my "Learn to Fucking Drive" rant because, personally, I see this shit way too much to be silent for any longer. I wasn't silent in the last one, but I didn't put an emphasis on how much old people fuckin' piss me off. I totally wasn't going to do this, but I had to after seeing the shit I saw today.

This morning, I ran a little early on time, and by that I mean that I didn't calculate traffic very well this morning and ended up getting to school half an hour early, giving me some unneeded reflection time that I brilliantly made up into "I need to get some gas" time. So, after driving by the gas station and seeing all the stations being taken up except for one, which was inexcessable because of some asshole and his big truck, I drove the long way back to school; I figured I had enough gas to drive the twelve miles back home. While on my way to school, I stop for a light and see a geriatric couple in a Lincoln or something pull out, followed by some other geezer in a Tacoma. Now, they were both in the same lane for about a minute, but as I follow, the guy in the Tacoma ended up passing the other car. Now, let me get this straight, you are driving SO slow that an old person like yourself fucking PASSES YOU. Does anyone else see a problem with this, or am I just freaking out for nothing? If you drive that fucking slow grandpa get off the fucking road.

When I saw that shit play out, I began laughing like an ass. I hadn't seen such an ironically funny thing like that in a long time. After going through lecture in school, I was driving home and encountered Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole and continued my driving. Jesus, I thought I noticed this before, but there are a lot of fucking old people out on the road between mid-morning and early afternoon. I think this is because all the young "whipper-snappers" aren't on the road to ruin their shit and make their "daily drive" less fun, i.e. driving like the fucking maniacs we are. I'm sorry, but I do not enjoy driving by and looking at old people while passing all of them. Half of them were hunched over the wheel or plain out weren't even tall enough to see over them...*grasps forehead* man...

I know I set a lot of rules for things, but these seem almost necessary for anyones fucking sanity...

::This is all pertaining to old people::

1. If you can't see over the wheel, with or without your adult diaper, you don't deserve to drive

2. If you're hunched over in more than a 60 degree angle, you probably shouldn't drive

3. When you drive and you're mouth is hanging open the whole time and you can barely control the way it functions, you most definately don't have enough control of yourself to drive

4. Driving slow is not necessarily driving safely, in fact, you probably are more likely to cause more accidents. Solution: Don't get behind the fucking wheel

5. If you have no color in your hair, too fucking old...

6. Driving by brail[sp?], not a safe way to drive. Get off the road grandma!

7. If other fucking old people pass you, for God's sake, get away from a vehicle

8. If you own a pair of sunglasses that are bigger than half you're fucking face...then there is no way in hell that you should be able to drive

9. If you can't walk, yet can still drive, what makes you think that you can drive well, because, you can't...


Man oh man... Well, I love my grandparents and all, but I think a safe way to keep these people off the road would be to commit genocide...of old people though, not a race. In fact, they should make up a new name for that: Genericide. Geriatric people + mass killing = Genericide. It's that easy.


You know, you can all prevent this from happening by driving them yourself or locking them in their own house; I would choose the latter of the two. And remember, if you see an old person trying to drive, think of these pictures....




...and just say no...for the love of God, just say no...

Saturday, November 20, 2004

The Scale of Greatness

As it has been stated, Diljner and I are gamerz, extreme ones at that. Therefore I have created the ultimate "geek" rating scale to go along with our intense loserness. A lot of you won't even rate high on this, if at all. The scale will go from highest to lowest, with the ultimate form of geekness on top and the lowest on bottom. I will also place where the people who are mentioned in Leafblower Blog. Alright, let the fun begin!

Uber Leet Geek aka "]_[!33!2 1337 933!<" - This is the pinticle of geek status. These are the gamerz that do nothing but talk and play [computer only] games and have the skillz to prove it. Also, the action of typing in Leet is done with astounding speed. The use of the words "pwn" and "w00t" must be done on a regular basis and usually first person shooters are this particular gamerz cup of tea. Also, they talk shit like a fucking weasel; this is important because Dilj and I do it on a regular basis. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

Those who fall under this rank: Diljner and Arrhythmia

Leet Geek aka "1337 933!<" - These are the gamerz that are very dedicated to playing [computer gamez only] and use Leet talk like the devil. They play a lot and are okay to pretty good, but aren't the best players. They play a wide variety of gamez, but first person shooters still rule their roost. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

The ones who have established Leet greatness: Mechanism [clan member], Sanction [Diljner's sister], and Chopsticks [our other clan member]

Uber Geek - These fuckers like to play games, but haven't either bothered to learn Leet or just don't care enough. They play computer games, but the majority of them like to play console gamez just as much [psh]. They are the weaker players and even though they get kills every so often, need more practice than their willing to admit.

This catagory contains players such as: StupidWhore and Leafblower [fucking console gamer, but he got to Uber Geek because he plays KoF with me and Diljner a lot]

Geek - These are the beginners, working their way up to becoming the best. [That is never going to happen because the Asian's will always be the best, no matter if you're Leet or Uber Leet....damn them]. They hang out with gamerz all the time and decided to give it a shot, but aren't as dedicated as the other types of geeks.

These poor souls: Ms. Sarcasm [recently moved up]

Nerd - These are the extremely smart people who have heard of computer gamez or have joined up with friends to "watch" them play. There is maybe slight participation in gaming by nerds [but usually not]. Alas there is hope, you are only one step from geekness and can easily accomplish the step. These people are pretty much useless when it comes to any gaming fun and are easily bored whenever the higher ups play [Ms. Sarcasm whenever Diljner, Leaf, and I play KoF].

Current residents: MexicanaBlanca


Roadie/Groupie - Coming upon the last level of geekness/nerdom we come upon the roadie/groupie. These people do minimal anything. They will watch, but unlike the nerd will never participate, ever. They might enjoy watching, but don't seem all that interested in anything pertaining to gamez. There is no chance in hell you will get them to watch you play computer gamez for several hours either, no way. The only way they will watch you is whenever you're playing console or at the arcade.

Those who are contained in this catagory: extrEMO


Alright! There you have it folks, the ultimate scale of geekness. There is no definate answer where you lie, but this will give you a good set of rules to where you stand. I am now done using my geek talk and putting a 'z' after games and using sentances like "this story is so going to pWn. w00t!" Now I'm off to play Half-Life 2...

Oh yea, b0m whores :D Black 0ps Mafia will pwn j00!!

PS [For Diljner only] That's 5 queerbate...you better get to workin'!

The Day extrEMO and Ms. Sarcasm Ruin My Shit

Oh this story is bringing back painful memories, I don't know if I even want to tell it... Ah, what the hell, if it means embarrassing myself for the sake of humor, so be it. Oh yea, and I want to apologize for the laxativity [is that a word?] of my stories, meaning that they have been piss poor lately. To all of you faithful readers out there, I am truly sorry, but hey, what can you do? Exactly, nothing, now sit and read...

"Oh my God, what am I going to do?!" This is just one of the many questions I asked as I talked to myself last Monday, when I realized that my paper was due in two days and I had no clue how to write any part of it. It would not have been so bad if I didn't have to write on such a difficult topic, which was "the history of school prayer and why I am for it." [Side note: this is for Ms. Sarcasm, don't say a damn thing, I already know what you did for me, you don't need to explain to everyone else, thank you]. By the time I came to Ms. Sarcasm's house, I was already a nervous wreck, really edgy, a little tweakish, but the worst thing of it was that I temporarily lost my intelligence. By this I mean I couldn't really make competent sentence structures, my word placement was abysmal, and I couldn't come up with a good comeback to anything if I put my life on it. We later realized the reason for these actions was because I had two bowls of cereal earlier that day and I engulfed the bowl with sugar. Sugar + me + nervousness = disaster a la Arrhythmia.

Well, we got to it, I was still very edgy while Ms. Sarcasm worked her magic and I couldn't keep my mind on any one particular thing. Maybe it was because extrEMO was there, haha, *looks around*, you decide. Anyway, we worked for around two hours and I was already like "fuck this bullshit, I hate school..." and wanted a serious release; sadly, this was not going to happen. Anyway, somewhere along the line, extrEMO gets up and heads to the couch. I get distracted, yet again, and go join her, and I laid next to her and I think I tried to tickle her, I'm not sure, but sure enough, something clicked in her that does in everyone.

extrEMO "Hey, are you ticklish?"
Me [Nervous look] Uh.....

Fuck….

Damnit, damnit, damnit, does everyone have to know I'm super ticklish? She then tries to tickle me, but I grabbed her wrist to try and stop the impending doom of me being tickled, but she said I was being a tad strong. WHAT?! I WASN'T BEING FORCEFUL, I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT STUPID... Well, as soon as I lighten up, *boom*, there goes the fuckin' game. It is no longer her trying to tickle me, it is me, on the ground, laughing like a mental patient, struggling, YES, struggling to get away. extrEMO is not even close to my weight or build, yet she had the upper hand in this battle. She is almost a full foot smaller than me and weights a considerable amount less than me, so there shouldn't have been a problem with me getting away....but noooooo, it was fucking hard. I was flailing about, doing the usual bit whenever someone tickles me, but it wasn't soon over.

Now, if I'm being tickled, I kick, hard, it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else *shrugs*. Well, I was kicking the fuck out of the air and clawing at the floor when this shit happened and extrEMO found it HILARIOUS. God, if she needed more reasons to tickle me, don't let one of them be extreme entertainment. So things are going pretty bad for me and what do you think happens? Ms. Sarcasm finds us in our little "let's abuse the fuck out of [Arrhythmia]" battle and decides it's her God given right to join in. Kill me...now. Oh shit, if this is going to happen, there might as well be a pack of rabid dogs that come in when the girls are done to finish my ass off because this was not happening. Anyway, so they're going at it like no other, I have been forced into guerrilla tactics, i.e. knocking the girls off balance, shoving them, etc. This, however, did not work for they found a great way to subdue my body's flailing nature, by straddling me. Most guys out there would think this would be the best fucking thing in the world, believe me, it depends on the situation fellas. extrEMO had my hips in between her legs, holding me for dear life and using her little fingers to poke and prod me; Ms. Sarcasm followed suit not long after. Then, if I wasn't in enough pain, the fuckin' shit hits the fan, I burn the fuck out of my arm on the carpet.

Me [While screaming] "Rug burn! Rug burn! Rug burn!"
Girls [Continue rampage]
Me "It burns! I have a rug burn, you can get off now!"
Girls [Continue rampage, either ignoring me or too busy assaulting me to hear]
Me [Laughs hysterically] "Please...."

By the time I finally get out of their death grips, I had already lost my wallet and my shoe. I ran into the next room breathing like I had just ran a marathon. Of course the girls were laughing their asses off and trying to coax me into coming back into the room. Uhhh...no, but I eventually went back in. Well, I assumed things were going to be okay because they said they were going to behave, so I got back on the couch and they were like hovering over me with wicked ass looks in their eyes and then….fuck…

Ms. Sarcasm “Mutiny!” [Begins to tickle me again with extrEMO]
Me “YOU SAID YOU’D STOP!!!”

After the brief attack, they started laughing at the fact that I was in a fetal position, praying to God that he would bring mercy upon my soul. Ugh…

The worst part of it was that I got rug burns all over my body. I have two scabs on my left knee, one on my right, and a bad fuckin' scab on my right elbow. Those fuckers remind me constantly that two she-devils beat my ass and I'm bigger than both of them. Times are sad in Arrhythmia's world. Let's just hope that this incident was a fluke.


PS [To Diljner only] That is four fucking posts bro, see I told you I'd do it. It's time for you step up and post another one because you are falling behind buddy boy.

Get to work Niggarachi!

Learn to Fucking Drive

How many of you out there have gotten so pissed off at a shitty driver that you wanted to ram their car to the side of the road, pull them out, no matter their age, and proceed to pummel the shit out of them till they cry rape? I know I have, in fact, this shit happens almost everyday in this horrible town called Bakersfield. I swear, if I have to drive behind another person who feels it's their right to drive 40 in a 55 zone, let alone the fuckin' FAST LANE... Oh Jesus, give me strength. I am not saying I am a perfect driver, but fuck people, use common sense. GAHHHHHH!!!

Now, Diljner has already stated in "The Day A Lot of Shit Happened [Parts 1 & 2]" that we are not racist, but however find no problem in saying potentially racist things in our stories. I will stand by this statement as I write this story because, well, in my eyes there are certain races that drive shittier than others. Mind you, I'm not referring to all the people of that particular race, but it has been an observation of mine that those races tend to drive like retards, and we all know why retards can't drive, right?

I have seen several things in my 'driving' days and sometimes I'm just flat out baffled how some people even received their license. Let me explain...


Story #1:
Alright, my mother is super anal about my driving when it comes to going up and down the Grapevine and traveling to Magic Mountain/LA/Ventura/whatever. Well, when she finally cut the leash and let me drive up there on my own, I decided to take a little trip to Magic Mountain with my friend and co-worker StupidWhore. We drove up there around, oh 9:30, but only stayed till 3:30 because we had ridden every roller coaster and it was fucking hot. Well, on the way back to Bakersfield, things seemed to be going quite well, until I got an eye of a Mexican in a Ram. God damnit do I HATE most Mexican drivers because they fuckin' drive like my grandmother and she drives by fuckin' brail[sp?], you know, when they drive to one side of the lane and you hear *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* and then they goes "oh" and turn the wheel enough to go to the other side and you hear the *ba bump - ba bump - ba bump* again and they go back and repeat the process fuckin' the whole time you're going. Well, this prick isn't paying attention or something because he almost fuckin' side swipes me. I'll explain this, the tail of his truck got about 1 foot from hitting my truck before I hit the breaks and watched his ass keep going without a stutter. The gate for his bed was right about where the start of my door was, he didn't even have room to pass if he was God, and for about a minute after he did that I was saying to StupidWhore "it's a fuckin' Mexican, I know it, it's a fuckin' Mexican..." He nodded in agreement and stated that he thought the same thing. Then, I increased my speed to catch up the asshole and StupidWhore said, "yup, it's a Mexican." Amazing. This wasn't the only encounter I have had with a piss poor Mexican driver, but I don't need to embellish on that topic, I think I've made that point.


Story #2
This next story occurred on Tuesday, I believe, on the way to my school. This particular day, I decided to take a different route than usual because it was usually faster and I was running late. Well, low and behold, someone was in the fast lane driving slower than usual. Now, I am a little more used to this now than I was when I first started driving, so I waited it out, seeing if this person would change lanes or not. During this period, I couldn't believe the horridness of their driving, they were not only driving slow, but drifting slowly into the lane next to them and then hitting the breaks so they were going fucking slower than before. I said to myself "this bitch must be on her cell phone or something..." and continued my wait. About two minutes later, they realized that I was going to kill them if they didn't move and, slowly, moved to the left lane. I sped up and turned my head to look at them in pure defiance and what do you think happened...

"...Oh my God, she's Asian..."

Yes, I don't know what should have tipped me off first, the slow driving or the drifting. There was a deep desire in me to go crazy and run into her, but I soon suppressed this urge and continued my adventure to school.


Story #3-1,000,000
All old people suck at driving, I don't even need a fuckin' story to emphasize this point. If you ask me, after a person turns 55-60 [depending on their state of mind and competence] their license should be revoked and be forced to get a GETpass . There is no way in hell I'm ever getting into a car with my grandparents if I'm not driving...no way.


I bet you're all asking, "why don't you mention people on cell phones?" Oh, don't even get me started on these fuckers. If it was up to me, I would have a law set that bans the use of cell phones while driving, no matter what your age. I know you all agree with me, even those of you who own cell phones themselves, I bet you've gotten your share of rage at a person driving with their cell phone. I'd place a million dollars on it and know I'd win.


You know what, here are some ideas that the DMV should use when determining the capability of a driver:

Mexican applicants: Give them the benefit of the doubt, but test them at least three times with three different instructors to get a real judgment before giving them their license.

Asian applicants: Don't even bother giving these people the benefit of the doubt, you know they're going to suck ass at driving, but test them out anyway. The better of the group will probably show many mistakes and should be given a permanent provisional license [like the ones they give to minors]. The rest should be sent on their merry way to the GET bus station to get their GETpass.

Women applicants:Now, I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for this one, so I'll make it short. Diljner and many other guys I know agree with me [and don't you fuckin' deny it Dilj] that women are usually horrible drivers, not all, but a lot. Hell, I don't like getting in the car with my mother or my sister [when she's in town] because they fuckin' drive like maniacs. I have to be proven to that a woman is confident in her driving before I will get in the passengers seat. Maybe my view is a little biased because my mom scares me shitless when she drives, but I dunno...

Haha, this reminds me of the other day, I at the stoplight on Old River, going North, about to cross Stockdale Highway when I turned to my right to see and older woman on her cell phone. I instantly thought "shouldn't have gotten her license" and proceeded to look to my left. I saw a young girl on her cell phone. The same thought went across my mind and I began to laugh.

Mexican/Asian/Woman applicants: There should be an alarm when someone of this caliber comes into the DMV [*ahem* extrEMO, hehe]. No way in hell should these people get their license, that's like aiding in vehicular manslaughter. If you want an instant pass to hell, give a Mexican/Asian/woman their license, I'll be sure to send you a thank you bomb for putting another one on the road.


As I close this story I'll leave you with this: I am in no way/shape/or form against people driving how they want, as long as it is within the law. I can guarantee you that I am a horrible driver myself and that I do a lot of shit that shouldn't be allowed. This whole idea came upon me because of the few drivers out there who piss me off tend to be Mexica, Asian, or women. White people suck at driving more than they'd like to admit, but fuck them, they suck anyway [ironic]. Haha, hopefully this story won't get me my ass handed to be.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

How I Met Ms. Sarcasm and Why She Used to Suck

Here we go again with yet another story that occurred over a year ago. Not surprisingly, a lot of shitty things seemed to happen to me between the ages of fifteen and seventeen. Oh well, that's life and here's another story.

Alright, let me set the scene for all you guys and gals, I was ...sixteen, and I had a very good friend, [of the time], named Vince, [no surname for him]. Well, Vince and I met a girl named [Ms. Sarcasm] while reading some magazines one weekend; a sort of odd interaction took place. Well, as things so have it, she was a very cool person, a tad over opinionated and very strong-willed, but I'm the same way, so I took it in stride. Little did I know that she would become an evil, conniving Nazi. Do not think I'm elaborating or over-exaggerating, you will soon know what I mean... Anywho, she seems to think I'm cute, [yea, I know, go figure], and got this grand idea to show a picture of me or some shit to her friend, BlondeDevil; this is where my hell starts.

[Side note: I couldn't really find a place to put this in the story, so I'll describe her here. She was a short blonde who was pretty cute, nice face, good figure, etc. But that doesn't account for everything, at least to me.]

Well, as the way thing pan out, Devil thinks I'm hot shit and seemingly wants to have my children as well, because she is all over this like vultures on a fresh carcass. I have never been so hotly pursued by a girl in my entire life, hell, I don't think I have ever really been pursued by a girl...*meh*. So, this seems like a typical stalker case, she's like fucking everywhere I am and is either accompanied by Ms. Sarcasm or her other bitchy friends. Now, I bet you're wondering, "if she was all into your shit and so apparently wanted your penis, why didn't you hit that?" No matter how this comes out, I can guarantee some of you will think I'm a dumbass.

Reason #1: Her ass was fucking fourteen

What's the problem with that? Well, I'll tell you: I was turning seventeen in like a month or two and she was still going to be fourteen for another two months AFTER my birthday. This may not seem like a big difference when I'm say, twenty-one, and the girl would be like nineteen a few months later, but when you're sixteen, that shit doesn't settle right. To some, age doesn't mean shit, but to me, at that time, that was like a fuckin sin. Don't ask why, I'm eighteen now, I really don't remember my reasoning that well. As far as I'm concerned now, sixteen and older, nothing less...

We'll come to the other reasons as the story progresses, so, when I'd see this girl, she'd be with her so-called 'posse' of girls, which was more like Genghis Khan and his fuckin' army. I swear, she had like twenty girls that she knew around her at all times; it was inane and unnecessary. Well, I had gotten to know Ms. Sarcasm pretty well by this time because she always talked to me about how Devil was 'soooooo into me' and how she thought I was 'sooooooo perfect', but we also talked about other stuff that means nothing now. After getting to know her, I felt pretty comfortable around her, except when she did the most annoying thing anyone could do to you when they're trying to help you with a 'relationship' or something of that nature, she fuckin' pulls me aside in front of EVERYONE and starts lecturing me like she's my mother. She'd be like 'you have to do this and that' and 'talk to her more' and so on and so on, spouting bullshit left and right. By this time, I was already unsure about Devil and this was not exactly helping. This persists for months, I'd go out on the weekend and there they were, waiting for me, and again, Ms. Sarcasm would pull me aside and have a 'chat'. If God gave Mercy Smiting as a lifeline, I would have used mine right then and there.

Where were my Guardian Angels to come save me from this part of Hell that just decided to pop up in the middle of fucking Bakersfield? Apparently, they were on a long ass lunch break. By the first month of this bullshit, I began to grow weary and didn't know how to deal with the insanity that had become my social life. Not only was I seeing Ms. Sarcasm face to face every weekend to get my 'talk', but Devil's little friends thought it was their single most purpose in life to fuck with mine.

Reason #2: BlondeDevil's friends were douche bags

Let me explain, every time I got out of my truck, there they were. They'd surround my Tacoma and barrage me with 'why don't you date [Devil], she really likes you' or 'stop being such an asshole and date her'. Why would I want to date a girl who's friends try to stomp my balls time and time again?

This whole situation was getting stale, I was emotionally drained and started getting weaker mentally. By this, I mean I was contemplating dating her just to get her friends to shut the fuck up. What was really bad was that during the weekdays, when I didn't have to deal with Devil's psychotic friends, I would still have to deal with Ms. Sarcasm and her power of persuasion. Even though it didn't work directly, she had a hand in me finally giving in. It took about two more months of bitching from the friends and counseling from Ms. Sarcasm before my mind snapped. In total, close to five months of my life was wasted trying to avoid dating this girl.

Reason #3: She just sucked in general, basically, I didn't like her personality

Devil seemed to be a very dull person, she didn't appeal to me in any way emotionally. How was I going to start liking a girl that I thought was less interesting than a brick. It just didn't make sense to me, but I guess, her tactics eventually worked.

Finally, it happened, I gave in and said that I would go out with her. [This next part was totally fucked up on my part, but whatever, she did it to herself when she had me get pressured into dating her]. After telling her I would finally give it a shot, she went out of town for, um, close to a week. In that period of time, I did some thinking and came to the conclusion that I had been duped into doing this and decided to cut the bullshit out of my life. When she got back from her trip, I just straight up said that I wasn't going to go out with her and that nothing would change my mind. Thank you God, because after I said that, I was released from the hell that was the past five months.

[Side note: Reading this you only get a small idea of what truly happened, if I told you everything in full detail, you'd be emotionally scarred.]

After this fiasco was finished, I didn't really talk to Ms. Sarcasm for close to six months, probably more. Then, when I started to talk to her and things got cool between us again, she began apologizing constantly for her part in it. I'd be an ass every so often and bring up the whole 'Devil' issue and she'd apologize again for thirty minutes; this occurred about twice a week. Nowadays, things are fine between us, we've had our differences, gotten in a few fights, but nothing we didn't eventually get over. Yes, Ms. Sarcasm used to suck the big one, but now she's CAF aka Cool As Fuck. I eventually introduced her to Diljner, but that story is for another time. Right now, I think she is sorta trying to make up for her past by introducing me to her friend, extrEMO, but let's hope this one ends up better.

[Side note: Ms. Sarcasm, Diljner, extrEMO, and I were at the arcade a couple of weeks ago and Sarcasm fucking pulls me aside again to tell me some undisclosed information [something like "oh my fucking God, [Arrhythmia] is so hott, I wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"] and I was so fuckin' embarrassed and really pissed off that she did that; I didn't want to deal with this shit again. It's sort of funny, Diljner did the same thing, I thought he was going to tell me the same shit as Ms. Sarcasm, but I was wrong, he wasn't. When I mistook his secretive actions, I grabbed his throat and we proceeded to fight in the arcade, nothing major, but whatever. He ended up tripping me to end the squabble and all was fine. We then played KoF 2002 and 2003 to our heart's content while the girls got bored and talked to each other.]

sXeSicnessForevr: haha im finishin up another story
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: really?!?!?!?!?!??!
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: put me in it
xXxIroCksoCksxXx: and say i said "omfg [Arrhythmia] is so hott i wanna monkey rape him sooo hard"

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Liar: The Queerboy

Okay, I have to start off by telling you the set up to this conversation. Diljner and I had yet again taken the liberty to take CompulsiveLiar out of his gloomy home and into my truck to show him the beauties of Bakersfield [now there's an oxymoron]. Anyway, this whole thing started when Liar wanted us to pick up some beat girl [refer to 'The Day A Lot of Shit Happened: Parts 1 & 2' to get her description] so he could have relations with her; that's fucking gross... Not the act, but those two together, it's like two hogs fucking in mud. Anyway, Liar offered me $600 dollars to do this for him, so I had to call up the Dilj-meister to get his input on the situation. He straight up said "don't do it dude" and I knew I shouldn't, but he could also sense the urgency in my voice as I told him. Six hundred dollars is a lot of money and I'm not doing too well financially, so, this was either a Godsend, or a curse. After denying his first offer, Liar then offered a grand, a mother fucking grand...

Oh Jesus, what do I do...

De-fuckin'-nied! I couldn't do that to him and have that on my conscience the whole time, not that I would feel bad about taking his money, but if his mother found out or worse, if someone knew Diljner and I were aiding a minor into having sex, well, in our terms: "We see cops written all over this..."

Well, the rest of the day goes pretty much without a problem, Liar sustained his continuously annoying ways, but we ignore him, learning to do this after our first major encounter with him. He also kept asking us to pick up the beat chick from her school so he could fuck her in the bathroom, '007 style'. Bullshit, he wouldn't have time, especially at his psychiatrist appointment. No matter our our answer, he kept telling us that he could do it and that it would be great. Unless he claimed to have cronic constipation, he wouldn't have a reason to be in the bathroom that long... We also knew his judgement was clouded when he told us we couldn't get in trouble as adult because we aren't adults. According to him, you aren't an adult till you turned 21....idiot....

We were all tired of his bullshit by the time we had to take him to his appointment and we were still struggling with the 'pick the chick up' BS, so we just sorta became deaf to his rants, until I come up with defining question:

Me "How many relationships have you been in?"
Diljner "...Sexual relationships, buddy..."
Liar "Well, like sexually, like...five, relationship wise."
Diljner "BULLSHIT!!"
Liars [Mutters name Seth]
Me [Laughs uncontrollably]
Diljner "Who are we asking now?" [Chuckles]
Liar "I'm trying to remember...what's his name..."
Diljner "HIS name? Whadyou just say, Seth?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "It's a guy?"
Liar "Yeah."
Diljner "You were in a sexual relationship with a guy?!"
Liar "NO!"
Me "Ughhh..." [Laughs]
Diljner "Oh dude, you were trippin' me out there for a minute..."
Me "[Liar]'s going to get his balls sucked by some dude..."
Diljner "Hahaha, ewwwww..."

And here is the one of the defining moments...

Liar "I only did that once..."
Diljner and Me "WHATTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!"
Liar "I'm kidding."
Diljner "Whoa dude, no no no no no, [Liar] just admitted himself to having his balls sucked by a dude...so..."
Me "....named SETH."
Diljner "...named Seth. He said only once though." [Laughs] "Makith that what you will, I, I mean, I don't know what to do with it..."
Me "We don't know what to do with [Liar] period."
Liar "FULL MOON ON A SATURDAY NIGHT."
Me "Full nude?"
Liar "Full moon!"
Diljner "He got his balls sucked full nude on a Saturday night."
Liar "I said 'full moon', 'full moon' man... 'Full moon.'"
Diljner "Okay...."
Me "You got your balls sucked on yo......"
Liar "Kidding..."
Me "Then why do you keep emphasising that?"
Liar "I don't know... Well, that, kinda...did..."
Me "Do you even know how to joke with that?"

Then something that disturbed Diljner and me both...

Liar [Starts talking, I soon cut him off]
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait....weren't you the one that said you were watching a porn, one day, and the guy was trying to eat his own cum and he was going AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGRRRRRHHHH!!!
Liar "Yeah."
Me "Yeah, why were you watching that?"
Diljner "Yeah, I'd like to hear this too, so..."
Liar "I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO..." [Laughs]
Diljner "No no no no..."
Me "I thought you said you were with a female cousin though, you're changing your story?"
Diljner "Eat a fucking peanut butter sandwich dude, don't sit there watching some dude trying to suck himself off, that's disgusting..."
Me "...eat his own....cum?"
Diljner "Whatever."
Liar "He got it though."
Me "Gah... [Liar chuckles] Oh, what?! You watched it that far?!
Diljner "Wow dude, you must have watched it for like... 10 minutes, I mean, 11 minutes..."
Me "Gahhhh...." [Shivers]
Liar "It's fifteen..."
Me "Damn!"
Diljner "It's fifteen minutes?"
Me "Oh my God! What is wrong with you dude?"
Diljner "[Liar], are you gay?"
Me "Partially..."
Liar "On a full moon." [While laughing]
Diljner "Oh God..."
Liar "I'm kidding..."
Diljner "Are you, heh?"
Liar "Yeah!"
Diljner "Wow dude...not..." [He just stops, completely speechless]

I am so thrown off by this that I am sort of driving a tad off...

Me "If I wreck, please, please don't blame me."
Diljner and Liar [Laugh]
Me "Please..."


Did you notice how many times he said he was kidding in that conversation? That just proved to me and Diljner that something was up and that he was, in fact, not kidding. Wow, that was distrubing and surprising hilarious. I never would have thought that this conversation would ever come up between me, Diljner, and Liar. I hope to God it's the last time......shit....

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Um, Yea...

Again, we must apologize to our adoring fans for the lack of posts in the past couple of days. We are currently numbing our brains out with economic gibberish so as to produce the so called, 'promised shirts'. Yea, you know, the ones we were going to make for you guys? Well, we're getting stalled on that, but expect a new story soon enough.

Later cheeseheads

Monday, November 01, 2004

Computer Owns Console; Leaf Throws Fit

Trip time, yet again; this time: BestBuy - Day of the Liar. You should all remember this, when Liar got dropped off at his psychiatrist appointment, Leaf, Diljner, and I took a trip to BestBuy so I could buy a copy of Dawn of the Dead [which I have yet to watch.....*grrr*] and to get one for Liar, since, he annoyed us into getting it. I was stoked [forgive me] to get it, seeing that it's my favorite movie this year. So after this we travel around a bit, looking at music, going to software, then to the laptops. Well, while looking at the laptops, Leaf spots the "Sonic the Hedgehog Compelation" or whatever. It basically has 7 of the past Sonic games on it, Sonic 1, 2, 3, Sonic and Knuckles, Sonic Spinball, etc. So he has this genius plan, since the game is 'relatively' cheap, ....he can use the left over money that Liar gave him to purchase DotD to buy the game! Oh shit, now we gotta make up a lie for him to tell Liar so he can use it, we do that later on though.

Anyway, after getting the game, Diljner and Leaf spot the Xbox arena area, by the games, freak out, and run over to it. The game they pick doesn't seem to work, so I plop down in the seat next to them and try playing the basketball game. I get Leaf to join me, but the remote he gets seems to be just as fucked up as the one from the other game. So, I play by myself for like three minutes, and I get my shit ruined by the computer. I am sorta shamed, but since I'm not a console gamer, I don't really care. After this, we're just sitting and I see a BestBuy guy and tell him that the controller is messed up. After 5 minutes of getting a battery and screwing with the Xbox, he gets it to work. Let's hear it for asking for help! So, Leaf and I get on seperate teams and the 'supposed' slaughter of my team is about to occur. You can tell Leaf is a little more confident in his playing than I am, so the game starts off a tad shitty for me. He slams the ball on his first shot...what the hell man, I don't even know how to pass...

Me "[Leaf], how'd you do that?"
Leaf "I don't know..."
Me "No really, how'd you do it?"
Leaf "I just pressed a button."
Me "Shit, how do you pass!!" [shoots ball on accident from half court *slaps forehead*]
Leaf and Dilj [Laugh]
Me "How do you pass!"
Leaf "I don't know, I don't have an Xbox, try A."
Diljner "It's pretty damn close to a GameCube."
Leaf "NO IT'S NOT!"
Diljner "Whatever..."
Me "Oh, that's how you pass... How do you slam again?"
Leaf "I don't know."
Me "Fine."

We play for one quarter [I set it to 5 minutes for that particular game]. And during the beginning, like I said, it looked like Leaf was going to pwn me. Hehehe, nope, his ass got smashed. I start busting out my mad gaming skillz, because apparently, I'm so good, I can rape on console too. I miss a few shots, get the ball stolen from me a few times, but in the end the score ended up being like: Me: 23 Leaf: 12. Can you say raped without lubricant? I know I can...several times. When the end of the quarter came...oh shit, look out!

Diljner "HAHAHAHAHA," [I'm laughing too] "...you just lost to a computer gamer [Leaf]!"
Me [Still laughing my ass off with Diljner]
Diljner "He NEVER plays console games, and you lost to him!! HAHAHAHAHA!!"
Leaf "I don't play Xbox asshole. Plus, he got to play for 5 minutes before me."
Me "Wha?! That doesn't mean shit man, I never play these stupid things."
Leaf "Doesn't fucking matter! You still played before me!"

By this time, we're making a small scene, not that anyone was looking, or really even cared, but we started getting loud.

Diljner and Me "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Leaf [Gets up with with real stern face and starts like freaking out in the middle of BestBuy, sorta flailing his arms around everywhere like he's about to bring the beatdown to me and/or Diljner] "Fuck you guys!"

He then tries to walk away from us, we are still cracking up as this happens...

Diljner "Haha, you still lost to a computer gamer..."

Alright, alright, let me explain the significance of this event in more detail. I've already explained that Diljner and I are computer gamers to the extreme. We shun consoles and most console gamers. We just find them to be pieces of shit that are far below computer game standards. We never play consoles, nor will we ever, unless it's for the sake of Halo 2 or something to that nature. We play games like: Counter-Strike 1.6, Counter-Strike: Source, Battlefield 1942, Call of Duty, War Hammer 40,000 - Dawn of War, games from the Star Wars Series, etc. Yes, we are computer nerds, but if you base everything else you know about us, our awesomeness cancels that shit out. Now, Leaf is a switch hitter in the gaming world. He plays computer games with us [rarely], but also plays games like Metroid Prime at home on his GameCube. He knows how to play console a lot better than I do, this is why we ragged his ass about the humiliating defeat casted down upon him by yours truly. It was a beautiful sight indeed.

After the scene we caused, things died down and we went to the registers to buy our stuff. Liar gave Leaf somewhere around 30 dollars to buy DotD for him and the movie ended up being like 15 bucks on some sale. Leaf took this to his advantage and only ended up spending like 8 dollars of his own money to get the game. Yes, we're all going to burn in hell....naw, we rock too much. This was our excuse to Liar though:

Us "Uh yea dude, the movie was like 25 bucks..."
Liar "Thanks guys!"
Us "....uh...yea..."

Then we went on to suffer a few more hours with Liar, but you'll read about that in "The Day A Bunch of Shit Happened [Part 2]".
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