Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Make Computers Old People Proof

Not only should old people not be allowed near computers...



...but should be destroyed in a hail of gunfire for our amusement.


I can almost guarantee that most of you would read that statement, laugh your ass to oblivion, and then agree wholeheartedly that it is true, very very fucking true. Let me ask you, how many of you have tried to help your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles get their computer to be more serving for "them?" I know I have, several fucking times. My grandfather was so computer illiterate, I had to help him figure out how to start the computer, yes, start the mother fucking thing. I swear, I've wanted to slap him in the back of the head so many times, but from fear of physical injury, [he's a strong guy] I hold back....just for him. This also reminds me of when I had to teach my grandmother how to use the computer. I don't know if God was taunting me that period of time or if I was just having a long string of bad luck, but Jesus, that was a pain in the ass. I'm not going into her experience though, it's too painful.

Just recently, I was teaching my grandfather, [let's call him Chuck], how to use a digital camera and upload pictures onto his little P.O.S. Compaq. This, you would assume, would be easy; you take pictures and plug a little cord into the computer's USB port and *KABLAM* you're already pretty much done. No. No no no. *sigh* ....I don't even know how to start this.... Alright, when he got the camera I told him to take some sample pictures so that he could get accustomed to how the camera worked.

Me "Okay grandpa, take a picture of the tv..."
Chuck "How??!!?"
Me "What the hell do you mean 'how?' It's like a regular camera..."
Chuck "What do I press to take a picture?!"
Me "Have you used a regular camera before?"
Chuck "Yes..."
Me "Well then, it'd be the same button as on a regular camera."
Chuck "Ohhhh! I got it!"
Me "Good, now take a picture..."
Chuck "Okay..." [he puts it up to his face to take it] "Hey! Why isn't it working!"
Me "What? What are you talking about..."

I look at the camera and realize that he's not pressing the button, he's just pointing it at the TV and waiting for it to take the picture itself.

Me "....Grandpa, you really suck."
Grandma [Marilyn] "Hahahahaha, Chuck, don't be stupid."
Me "You guys are dumbasses, I'll come back tomorrow."

And yes, I really said that to them. They've gotten used to me getting frustrated and calling them names. Now, I doubt this little incident right here would kill the whole 'help my grandparents' idea, but it was sure a contributing factor.

Another very aggitating time in my life occured about a week ago, when I visited my grandparents after not seeing them for about a week. I had walked in, grabbed some food, played with my dog and watched TV with the old ones. Chuck all of a sudden remembered that he had to ask me how to do something. Take note that he's working with Ebay...yet he can barely upload pictures...

Chuck "When I upload pictures onto Ebay, I can't see them because the 'My Pictures' folder is blocking my view."
Me "Then why don't you move the window...?"
Chuck "NO! I'm asking how to get to the upload button!"
Me [My face is showing confusion at his rambling] "Um, you move the window like this..." [I move the window] "And see....you can upload now?"
Chuck "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Me "What the hell are you talking about? I showed you how to do this over a week ago."
Chuck "You did?!"
Me "What kind of shit do you hear me say when I teach you this stuff? Or do you ignore whatever I say?"
Chuck "Lose the tone, boy."
Me "What? I have to lose my tone, yet I have to re-show you this shit over and over?! Get over yourself old man, unless you want to teach this shit to yourself?"

I proceed to show him how to do it and he seems to be in awe, like someone just showed him the Holy Grail or some shit. Christ, I don't know what's worse, re-teaching him everything that I taught him five minutes prior or being stabbed in the face.

I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and all other older generation people living in my family, but the majority of them are dumbasses when it comes to electronics. I say we either have a ban on people over the age of 50 buying electronic equipment or we create a new type of software that anytime it detects the incompetancy of an old person using a computer, it gives them a nice jolt of electricity through the keyboard, let's say 10,000 volts. Yea, that ought to get their attention.

I found some related statements on the internet and I think they are quite true:

SomeNiggar "Call this an unfair generalization, but old people are no good at everything."

I can call this a very safe assumption.

By: curse on 12/14/2004 12:24:07 AM
My mom just got e-mail so I get ALL of those lovely forwards/chain mails...*

*Courtesy of your local Lambgoat.com

Don'tcha just LOVE family?!

....



ABloodDrain87: yeah, must be frustrating to explain [to] your grandpa [about] technology*
ABloodDrain87: lol
bLacK0psmAfiA: my god
bLacK0psmAfiA: i left out like a billion stories


*those mean they were added, she had bad grammar ;)

Holy Shit A New Post

Wow, as I'm sure alot of you have noticed; we haven't had an update to the Leafblower Blog since December. I now have a bit of time to start writing posts again and I have a bit of 'The Trip' material I haven't thrown at you fucks yet. Well anyways, this is the story I have to post out of spite for my A-hole sister. It's not that I hate her or anything, it's just that I loathe her. She's become so clichè lately with her internet going's on and such. Don't get me wrong, I love my computer. I love the internet. I love playing World of Warcraft/Counter-Strike: Source. I love IM'ing my friends. But my sister [We'll call her E-ho] has taken it to a new low. She never goes out.... anywhere. When family comes to visit all she does is sit in her room in the dark typing to crater faced little highschool fags who talk about self mutilation and how bad god hates them all day. She walks around with a scowl on her face all day like life is so fucking hard for her... "DAMN BITCH!!! YOU GET THREE MEALS A FUCKING DAY!!!! YOU GET ANY/EVERYTHING YOU WANT!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SCOWLING ABOUT??!!!" Well anyways, you've got a pretty basic impression of her personality thus far. The story begins....

I have two sisters... one of them is extremely cool. Nothing ever bothers her, and if it does she'd sooner punch you in the nipple than bitch and whine about it. [We'll call her Fluff] Fluff seems to implement the word 'nigga' into every conversation she has. It surprises me if she ends a sentence without the dreaded N word. Now, since E-ho and Fluff have such different personalities... They do not get along, at all. Fluff could kick E-ho's ass in a split second even though she's 3 years younger. She's 8 times meaner. So it never usually results in violence.

I'm at work the other day, just reading a magazine in my office when I get a phone call informing me that Fluff is going to come spend the weekend. "Tits!", I exclaim. I was pretty excited because Fluff and I always get some sick Counterstrike pwnage going. Well, I go to pick her up and when I arrive, she almost didn't get to come over because my Mother's husband likes to think he's Mr. Man of the house and shit. I almost pwned him this one day, but thats another story. Anyways, Fluff almost didn't get to come over at the last minute because she got in a fight with my Mom's Husband and called him a 'Niggar-Fluff'. She called the man a fucking Niggar-Fluff. [Thats where her surname is derived in case you were an idiot.] Well, by some smooth talking I managed to secure her release from the asshole brigade. We arrive back at the house and I start playing some World of Warcraft before dinner. "Whats that?", she says.
"Oh, this is World of Warcraft... the same people who made Starcraft made this game too."
"Can you make me a character?", she asked.
"Ummm, suuuuuuuurrreee."
So I roll her a character, and since I don't want to drag this out to be a 2 part story I'll just tell you that she got FUCKING ADDICTED. She wouldn't eat or sleep for 2 full days. She just played WoW the whole time. Well, since my computer was hi-jacked by that crack-hat Fluff... I decided to go hang out with Ms. Sarcasm. I should mention that my grandmother is at the house at this time. She's in her office, on her computer... addicted to a different form of internet activity... Ebay. So, E-ho is chatting to one of her pathetic ass boyfriends. Fluff is pwning the fuck out of any Horde that resist her might, and my grandmother is on Ebay. This is where the story gets interesting...

I go to the dryer to pull a shirt and a pair of jeans out [My usual evening attire.] when theres this black stringy thing stuck around my shirt. I'm like, "What the fuck is this shit?" I pull it off of my shirt and examine it more closely. It looks like a pirate's eye-patch. "Sweet!", I say. Then the realization hits me... This is most certainly NOT a pirate's eye-patch. This is without a doubt, the whorest... skankiest... 2 cent hooker Walmart panties I 've ever laid eyes on. I mean, calling them string would be a generous analogy. Then I look in the dryer and find a Smirnoff Ice bottle cap. "OOOOOOH, somebodies in trouble." My grandmother is very strict on E-ho when she's at home. But, she does let her hang out with these friends that I know smoke and drink and toke and fuck. But I don't say anything because we all experience that shit at one point or another and we all need to make our own mistakes. HOWEVER, tonight I was feeling in the mood for some entertainment. I take the so-called panties and the Smirnoff bottle cap into my grandmother's office. "Theres something you need to see." says I. I then produce the hooker attire and the beverage cap and my gramm's jaw dropped. Without saying a word to me.... "E-HO GET IN HERE NOW!!!!!!!!!" I stand back because this is just about like Jerry Springer shit gonna happen. And I don't mean the stupid ass new ones, I mean the old ones where they elbow dropped their cousin's neice's aunt for sleeping with your brother who is also your grandpa. [The fuck?] Anyways, as I watch, E-ho walks into the room. I run out to get Fluff so she can see this shit too. I mean, come on... how often does shit like this happen? She couldn't be budged from her level 14 Gnomish warrior. So, I run back into the office where the shit's going down... here's the conversation I heard....

E-ho "They're not mine! I swear to you! God, you never believe me!! Why doesn't anybody ever believe me??? You all hate me!!!"
Gramma "E-ho, whose are they then?"
E-ho "So, you believe me then?"
Gramma "I didn't say that, I asked whose they were."
E-ho "Maybe they're Fluff's! Yes, actually I think they are."

[Ooooh, such cunning, E-ho. You backstabbed your little sister so your gramma wouldn't find out that the whore panties actually belonged to YOU. 'Kudos' to you good sir.]

E-ho "Wait no! I think they're my friend Jessica's!!! Yes they're hers remember she spent the night recently!!!

At this point Fluff walks in with this disgusted look on her face. Apparently the only thing that could drag her away from her new addiction was pwning the fuck out of E-ho... and might I add... she did a superb job.

Fluff "I know, you did not blame those underwear on me, E-ho...."
Gramma "Fluff, are these your panties?
Fluff "I was with this nigga when she bought them! AND that aint the only pair!! She bought like 4 other pairs too at Walmart!!" [Yes, she really said nigga.]

E-ho's face turned beet red. Her face twisted into the most out-there display of anger and embarrassment I've ever seen.

Me "OH MY GOD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!! OH SNNNAAAAAPPP!!!!! OWNED!!!! HAHAHAHAHA.... ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS... WE HAVE A SPECIAL SKANK SALE GOING ON IN ISLE SKANK!!! SKANK PANTIES ONLY 2 SKANKY DOLLARS!! AFFORDABLE FOR ANY SKANK!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH"

Oh shit I'm seriously laughing so hard even now that I can barely type this. Well, the night dulled down after that. I went to Ms. Sarcasm's house and she made me dinner. What a beautiful night that was. Does shit like this happen to anybody else?

'I'm so back bitches.'
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