Ah Denny's, How I Love Thee

On Saturday, Leafblower and I took a lofty trip over to the local Denny's, located on Gosford, not 2 miles from my house. Anyway, we get there and I wait to order our stuff since Leaf took his sweet time figuring out exactly what he wanted. Bastard. After we order, we talk a little bit and I start to get bored, so what do I do? I grabbed my napkin and asked Leaf if he had a pen. Sure enough, he did, and I proceeded to draw a picture that was in a perfect likeness of ourselves. As you can imagine, it was a masterpiece:



After I was done using my Picasso like skills, I showed the picture to Leaf and I couldn't have hoped for a better response. He started laughing his tiny little head off causing me to start laughing furiously.

Me "What do you think of the picture?" [Laughs]
Leaf "Oh, it's great! I glanced over...one of them looked like a palm tree. I guess that was you..."
Me "Did you notice the detail that I put in it? Look how I did your teeth."
Leaf "Is it just the front ones...?" [pause] "You mother fucker..." [He says this as he's laughing]

When he said this, we started laughing even harder, to the point to where I couldn't breathe. It was ridiculously funny to us, when someone else could have seen it and thought we were retarded children who escaped from an institution. Leaf didn't want me to get the last laugh on this one though, so he decided he would draw a picture of us as well.

Leaf "I can't draw as good as you, but I'm going to try..."
Me "What? I drew stick figures..."
Leaf "I know."
Me "I wasn't even trying to draw right there dude."
Leaf "Oh, well....that's still better than I can draw."

He was being serious.




If you can't tell, I'm on the right....

In the middle of drawing, I stopped him and said:

Me "You didn't give me one..." [Refering to a penis]
Leaf "Look, I can make you either a tranny or a woman..."
Me "TRANNY!! TRANNY!!"
Leaf "Tranny, huh..."

He then drew me a penis. I realized I looked like a girlscout with an extra little something that shouldn't be seen. It didn't offend me, in fact, it made me laugh like mad, but...it's just a little creepy that he drew it that way. I was also a tad confused on why he drew my face different than his.

Me "Why does your face look like that, but mine looks normal?"
Leaf "Look [Arrhythmia], I can't make my drawing PERFECT!"

He said perfect ...hahahha.


After this, we stole some napkins from another table and ate our fine Denny's food. It was grandoise. We shall do it again, and hopefully, we'll have another story.



Oh yea...Leaf mentioned 'El Burro' in his picture. For those of you who don't know, it means 'The Donkey'....hahahahahahaha...so gay...


MEvsMYSELF73: love the drawings
bLacK0psmAfiA: the first one, we thought, was the best
MEvsMYSELF73: yours?
bLacK0psmAfiA: yes
MEvsMYSELF73: they're both good...urs is simple and and his is creative
MEvsMYSELF73: both with the same message....
MEvsMYSELF73: u both have big egos
bLacK0psmAfiA: we're gay fags
MEvsMYSELF73: lol, jk
bLacK0psmAfiA: hahaha
MEvsMYSELF73: that too
bLacK0psmAfiA: lawlz

Make Computers Old People Proof

Not only should old people not be allowed near computers...



...but should be destroyed in a hail of gunfire for our amusement.


I can almost guarantee that most of you would read that statement, laugh your ass to oblivion, and then agree wholeheartedly that it is true, very very fucking true. Let me ask you, how many of you have tried to help your parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles get their computer to be more serving for "them?" I know I have, several fucking times. My grandfather was so computer illiterate, I had to help him figure out how to start the computer, yes, start the mother fucking thing. I swear, I've wanted to slap him in the back of the head so many times, but from fear of physical injury, [he's a strong guy] I hold back....just for him. This also reminds me of when I had to teach my grandmother how to use the computer. I don't know if God was taunting me that period of time or if I was just having a long string of bad luck, but Jesus, that was a pain in the ass. I'm not going into her experience though, it's too painful.

Just recently, I was teaching my grandfather, [let's call him Chuck], how to use a digital camera and upload pictures onto his little P.O.S. Compaq. This, you would assume, would be easy; you take pictures and plug a little cord into the computer's USB port and *KABLAM* you're already pretty much done. No. No no no. *sigh* ....I don't even know how to start this.... Alright, when he got the camera I told him to take some sample pictures so that he could get accustomed to how the camera worked.

Me "Okay grandpa, take a picture of the tv..."
Chuck "How??!!?"
Me "What the hell do you mean 'how?' It's like a regular camera..."
Chuck "What do I press to take a picture?!"
Me "Have you used a regular camera before?"
Chuck "Yes..."
Me "Well then, it'd be the same button as on a regular camera."
Chuck "Ohhhh! I got it!"
Me "Good, now take a picture..."
Chuck "Okay..." [he puts it up to his face to take it] "Hey! Why isn't it working!"
Me "What? What are you talking about..."

I look at the camera and realize that he's not pressing the button, he's just pointing it at the TV and waiting for it to take the picture itself.

Me "....Grandpa, you really suck."
Grandma [Marilyn] "Hahahahaha, Chuck, don't be stupid."
Me "You guys are dumbasses, I'll come back tomorrow."

And yes, I really said that to them. They've gotten used to me getting frustrated and calling them names. Now, I doubt this little incident right here would kill the whole 'help my grandparents' idea, but it was sure a contributing factor.

Another very aggitating time in my life occured about a week ago, when I visited my grandparents after not seeing them for about a week. I had walked in, grabbed some food, played with my dog and watched TV with the old ones. Chuck all of a sudden remembered that he had to ask me how to do something. Take note that he's working with Ebay...yet he can barely upload pictures...

Chuck "When I upload pictures onto Ebay, I can't see them because the 'My Pictures' folder is blocking my view."
Me "Then why don't you move the window...?"
Chuck "NO! I'm asking how to get to the upload button!"
Me [My face is showing confusion at his rambling] "Um, you move the window like this..." [I move the window] "And see....you can upload now?"
Chuck "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Me "What the hell are you talking about? I showed you how to do this over a week ago."
Chuck "You did?!"
Me "What kind of shit do you hear me say when I teach you this stuff? Or do you ignore whatever I say?"
Chuck "Lose the tone, boy."
Me "What? I have to lose my tone, yet I have to re-show you this shit over and over?! Get over yourself old man, unless you want to teach this shit to yourself?"

I proceed to show him how to do it and he seems to be in awe, like someone just showed him the Holy Grail or some shit. Christ, I don't know what's worse, re-teaching him everything that I taught him five minutes prior or being stabbed in the face.

I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, and all other older generation people living in my family, but the majority of them are dumbasses when it comes to electronics. I say we either have a ban on people over the age of 50 buying electronic equipment or we create a new type of software that anytime it detects the incompetancy of an old person using a computer, it gives them a nice jolt of electricity through the keyboard, let's say 10,000 volts. Yea, that ought to get their attention.

I found some related statements on the internet and I think they are quite true:

SomeNiggar "Call this an unfair generalization, but old people are no good at everything."

I can call this a very safe assumption.

By: curse on 12/14/2004 12:24:07 AM
My mom just got e-mail so I get ALL of those lovely forwards/chain mails...*

*Courtesy of your local Lambgoat.com

Don'tcha just LOVE family?!

....



ABloodDrain87: yeah, must be frustrating to explain [to] your grandpa [about] technology*
ABloodDrain87: lol
bLacK0psmAfiA: my god
bLacK0psmAfiA: i left out like a billion stories


*those mean they were added, she had bad grammar ;)

Yea... Being Me Sucks Sometimes

I know I've ranted a lot about bad drivers, but I am not dumbfounded that I have found yet another reason to bitch and complain about these terrible nuisances.

Now, yesterday I picked up the Leafblower to hang out with him a little bit and have him help me clean the house just a little bit. I gave him an option to do the laundry [just folding] or if he wanted to clean the kitchen. He opted for laundry and it ended up taking him an hour and a half to get that shit done. In the meantime, I cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and my bedroom. Anyway, the day played out like usual, we went by the mall to play at the arcade, but it was a hellhole thanks to the Christmas Season, so it took forever to get a parking spot. Actually, besides playing KoF, we also went clothes shopping for me. Yea, I know, that's really weird, since I haven't really bought new clothes in close to a year. This is just all the shit we did that led up to me being super pissed at yet another Mexican driver.

Alright, the time is close to ten o'clock, I think, and I'm driving North on Gosford, heading towards Truxtun Avenue. I had asked Leaf earlier which way we should take home and gave him two options, he chose, and it ended up being the poorer of the two choices, resulting in a longer trip home. This time, I asked him if we should go down Truxtun or Rosedale, but this time, no matter what he said, I was going down Truxtun, it's just faster. So,I get into the left-hand right turn lane to manuever from Gosford [or Coffee Rd.] to Truxtun and I begin my turn next to this guy in a huge old van. You know the ones, built like tanks with the little ladder on the back...yea. Well, as I'm turning onto the two lane Truxtun, Leaf suddenly says, "Uh, [Arrhythmia]..." I look over and that big ass van that was turning next to me drifts half way into MY fucking lane and fucking sideswipes me. I am now in complete disbelief to what had just happened. Seeing my dispair, Leaf automatically tries to cheer me up.

Leaf "Dude, [Arrhythmia], I'm your witness! I'm your witness! He was totally in the wrong."
Me [Silence]
Leaf "Yea dude..."
Me "I guess this is your Christmas present to me, being my witness, oh yea, and the fact you weren't going to get me anything anyway." [He chuckles] "Plus you owe me for paying for your haircut today."
Leaf "I was going to grab your wheel, but I didn't think that would be a good idea."
Me "Yea, we didn't have anywhere to go anyway. If I turned to the left, I would have went head-on into traffic. Oh yea, if you would have touched my wheel, I would have given you the What the Fuck[?] speech."

I get the guy to pull over and I get out of my truck and realize that my passenger side-view mirror is completely ripped off. I send Leaf off to fetch it out of traffic [hahaha]. He brings it back and the mirror is no where to be found, so I am left with a big hunk of useless plastic. Right as Leaf returns to my car, the guy gets out of his armored tank and comes out to confront me. This guy was roughly mid 50s, possibly early 60s, Mexican, and seemingly very incompetant in the ways of the English language. He knew how to speak it, but I don't understand slurred Spanglish gibbering that well. Idiot. This guy gives me a baffled look and starts the conversation off like this:

IncompetentMexi "What were you doing?"
Me [When he says this, I am completely taken aback and opt for the sarcastic answer] "I was WATCHING you hit me..."
IncompetentMexi "Hrm..." [He gives me yet another idiotic look and I suspect he doesn't know what the fuck to do. I'm fucking 18 and have never been in an accident and I ask for his information first...what a cunt]
Me "Hrm? What do you mean 'hrm'? You hit me!"

He walked over to his van and looked at it to see if there was any damage done. He sorta scans it and then says some shit about how the front bumper over his wheel is "scratched." I failed to see a scratch, but it was pretty dark and I wasn't up for an investigating...I'll leave that up to his insurance company. He then walks over to my truck with me and we examine it together.

IncompetentMexi "I don't really see anything wrong with your truck."
Me [Calm and collected, yet really pissed off] "Um, well for one thing, my mirror was ripped off and um see those collections of giant [fucking] scratches? Yea, those weren't there a two minutes ago." [I then touch the side of my truck and the paint disintegrates off of the door and covers my hand....I showed the guy and he just shruged it off...Gah, this guy is a total mother fucker]
IncompetentMexi "I really don't see much damage done."
Me [God smite his retarded ass for me...please? I then look at him in disbelief...fucktard *sigh*]

Leaf then comes up to me and comments on how I'm really calm about all of this and seemed weirded out by it. I asked him why and he said that he would be freaking if this happened to him, oh yea, and that I'm normally a spaz. Go figure. I then proceed to get this guy's information and somehow, I don't get his insurance information. I am a fucking moron...a COMPLETE fucking moron. I eventually got it about an hour later after calling like seven different numbers [this guy had terrible, terrible fucking handwriting. He blamed it on the darkness when he was writing, I blame it on the fact that he's a dumbshit].

We finally complete all of our shit and head off. I continue my way to Ms. Sarcasm's house [that's where we were headed in the first place] and once I get there, I called my parents. Yea, bad move, very bad move. Let's just say I got chewed out to the fucking highest degree. I then spend thirty minutes of my time calling this douche to get his insurance information. When this is done, I spend another hour and a half talking to his insurance company. Let this be a warning to all of you. Watch how you drive, accidents are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more trouble than they are worth. After this time, Ms. Sarcasm tells her mother what went down and she goes all apeshit and decides to take me on a tour of the neighborhoods to find this guy's house so I could get his license plate information. She is...how do I say this....she drives like a gremlin would with ADD, hyped up on PCP, and having drank about seven or eight Monser Energy Drinks. This is only one reason why I don't drive with other people. After we did our investigation and I got to almost hop a fence to get that shit, we went home and I got to deal with all the shit at home. It wasn't all that bad...and I got to go to Diljner's to have a LAN party. That story will come later. I'll actually post the pictures of the damage to my truck in like a week, so I can get the film developed.

GOD DAMN I HATE OLD MEXICAN DRIVERS WHO CAN'T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH. I WISH I COULD HAVE GOTTEN MY CAR AND RAMMED HIS FUCKING VAN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER....NO MATTER WHAT THE DAMAGE DONE TO MY TRUCK. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS ANGER....GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I SHOULD PETITION THIS SHIT AND BAN THESE FUCKERS FROM THE ROAD....*breathes*

Okay, I'm done...



Stupid incompetent Mexican bastard...ruined my truck...

Super Fuck-Ups

Sorry for the huuuuge delay in entries, I know how my adoring fan base can't continue existence without my brilliant stories. Yes, I am egomaniacal and I never plan on changing.

Anyway, this story is dedicated to the wonderful people at Supercuts. Oh, wait, did I say wonderful? I meant to say totally fucking stupid niggers who, even with a diploma from their "Academy for Cutting Hair Like Shit", can't seem to give a decent haircut, no where, no how. It just gets my juices flowing whenever I get a shitastic haircut from a place I pay fucking fourteen dollars to go. If I was expecting to get a piss poor cut at discounted prices, I would have gone to the Mod Hatter in the mall and gotten something from either the geriatrics that work there or the Latina whores.

I will actually get into my story now, since, I have already blown enough steam to power a fucking diesel engine going cross country. So, as I was saying, I get into this place and they take my name and I sit, expecting a thirty minute wait. As I'm sitting, some lady and her kid are sitting next to me discussing how he didn't do his homework and how he watched television all day. My parents and grandparents forced me to do homework right after school and look at me now, I'm still a major screw up in school. This kid was headed to being a fucked up middle-schooler experimenting with LSD or whatnot. I know I'm being a tad overzealous on my analysis, but kids nowadays are fucktards, so sue me. Anyway, I'm beginning to laugh, not only at his mother's extreme lack of discipline over her child, but the comments he's throwing back at her. At one time he mentions Cartoon Network and I immediately think of Adult Swim. I begin to laugh and she notices, looks over at me and the first words out of my mouth are "Cartoon Network ALL THE WAY!!!" Yea, this just solidifies that I'm a complete geek with no chance in Hell of ever getting a girlfriend....ever. After this, I talk to the mother a bit, rehash thoughts of my childhood, tell her how fucked up the teachers were with homework and how he seems to have it a little easier [don't ask why, I just felt that way at the time] and how it only gets worse. I could tell by her eyes she seemed....disappointed in the fact that her child was going to be challenged in the future. Oh well, if you have stupid children, you reap what you fucking sow.

Eventually, my name was called and a sigh of relief swept over me, for I felt I was in the clear. I couldn't have been more fucking wrong. I was in for some major torture, as it may seem, because the woman cutting my hair was as dense as a six-foot thick wall of mortar. I begin our encounter like so...

Me "I would like you to cut my sideburns a little shorter and blend them into my hair as it is now. [Lifts up hair covering half of sideburns] I have bald spots right here, [I'm blonde, so I have them] and I need you to blend them well enough not to show them."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh, I remember you. We did this to you a while back." [And they did a damn better job then too]
Me "Also, the back is a little long. Can you cut off like one-third of an inch so it doesn't look all mullet-y, that way I can keep the flip. Oh, and one more thing, the top is a little long, can you clean it up, not cut it, but clean it up?"
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Sure."

She starts off by going after my sideburns. All seems well at first, but all she did was make them not stick out so much, she didn't even fucking try to blend. Then, after like two seconds of work there, she goes after the back of my hair. I'm already in "What the Fuck" land and am hoping that this was going to, in some way, fit in with the scheme of my sideburns. I watch in horror as she surpasses the one-third margin I had given her not two minutes ago and start ruining my hairs beautiful shit; yes, I said beautiful. So, I'm already at a massive loss for words and my hair is taking damage like a nub in Counter-Strike. There is a sudden shift in the woman's movement, she moves from the back of my head, straight up to the front. Now, remember how I asked her to "clean up the front, but not cut," well that thought was shot to Fucktown. As I watch her grab my hair, I almost immediately knew what was in store. She grabs my hair, not a casual quarter inch just for clean up, but she grabs the massive half fucking inch. My hair was at my fucking eyes when she started, it was soon relocated to my forehead. Jesus Christ Almighty, what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

My night was officially ruined there, I had gone in, expecting a casual clean-up and blend job, but by the time she was cutting my bangs, it became much more horrid. So, as my hair is cut to forehead length, I notice her start cutting the top of my head as well. I thought she was taking an awful lot off...just to blend. Damn. This made me ten different kinds of sad. I thought the worst was over, but to my dismay, I was wrong.

StupidHaircuttingBitch "So, does that look good to you?" [As she flips my hair a bit to let it settle]
Me "Uhhhhhhhh..." [Points] "This side is a little longer than that side..."
StupidHaircuttingBitch "Oh! That's because you have a cowlick, let me fix that."

Let me get this fucking straight, it's because i have a COWLICK?! How does that even EXCUSE the fact that one side of my face had hair a half inch longer than the other side, yet you thought it looked good? And the fact that she blamed it on the cowlick...I have one on both sides, she cut one side already....your argument has been deemed "invalid" by the idiot police. Good day.

If there as such a time to slap your forehead because of extreme stupidity, now would be the time.

After correcting her obvious mistake, she was STILL not done. Apparently, she wanted to finish the job in the back, as if she hadn't already pissed me off enough that night... She grabs the clippers and starts like gently "brushing" the back so that my hair "wouldn't flip anymore." GAHHHH!! What the fuck, bitch?! DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU TEN MINUTES PRIOR THAT I LIKED THE FLIP?!!?! GAHMOTHERFUCKERIWANTTOCHOKEYOU!!!! *Sigh* I was done. Emotionally drained and thoroughly pissed off, I had given up any hope of having a decent cut.

This story has already gone long enough, and you know what, it's still not over. After she does her shit to the back of my head, she starts aiming for the sideburns. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So she starts cutting, and I notice she's cutting awfully crooked, but don't bother thinking of it anymore cause my hair already looked fucked up. She then brushes me off with her horsehair thing and sends me on my way. I say "thank you" and tip her, being the polite bastard that I am, and go on my way home. I keep looking in my rear-view mirror because something is totally amiss in the whole scheme of things, but I can't put my finger on it. When I arrive home, this conversation drops:

Me "Mom, I'm back from my haircut..."
MotherDear "Let me see."
Me "It looks shitty, but okay..." [Takes off hat]
MotherDear "Yea, I don't like your haircut..."

That's her way of telling me that it looks like shit...

I go into my bathroom and take a shower, the hair that's all over me is getting on my nerves. After I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and am totally fucking horrified. My sideburns, that I thought were barely touched by that whore at Supercuts, were terribly misshapen and were cut at weird angles. On the left side, the blending is fine, but she like layered my sideburn to have two different like "thicknesses," thin and normal....God.... On the right side, the blending is cut at an angle so you can see the bald spot... in fact, there is no blending, she just plain fucked up. In fact, she did such a horrible job, I had to shave some of my sideburns off for them to look somewhat normal again....

For now on, I'm going to my mom's beautician or some shit. They get paid well and they know better than to fuck up my hair....or I'll go super-nazi on their ass....GRRRRR...



Conversation of the Day:
Me "Hello sir, how're you guys doing today?"
Customer "Good- [As he's handing me the Alexander tickets] YOU HAVE OCEAN'S TWELVE?! FUCK THAT!!!"
Me "You can refund your tickets up there sir..." [Points to box office]

StupidWhore is Named; Declared a Dick

Let me start this section off with an apology for the last post. I don't know if I was in a bad mood or if it was because it just wasn't a good story, but the last story I wrote sucked the big one. I plan on going back and revising it, but in the meantime I will write this one.

Alright, this story dates back several months ago, when Aliens v. Predator came out, in fact, that was the last movie I saw. Now, as many of you know, I work at a movie theatre [Edwards], so I get free movie tickets and thought it would be nice to take Diljner to the movies [hahahaha, sounds like fuckin' date *wink*]. I walked in with Diljner and decided to introduce him to StupidWhore because he plays Counter-Strike with us, and I wanted Dilj to know exactly who the nub I was calling my friend was. So as we walk up to him, he seems to be serving some customers, no big deal, we've talked many a conversation about things two insane people wouldn't talk about, ...in front of customers.

Me "Sup [StupidWhore], how's it going?"
StupidWhore "Sup [Arrhythmia], things are goin' good. You?"
Me "Oh, [points] I'm going to see Aliens v. Predator with [Diljner] there. You know him, he plays CS with me."
StupidWhore "Oh, okay..."
Me "Well later bro, I'm off to see the movie-"
StupidWhore "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HELPING SOME FUCKING CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!" [I turn to Diljner and give him the biggest "what the fuck?" face you could possibly create with the muscles in your face]

I was completely taken aback by this outburst of anger. As StupidWhore said these words, he gave me and Diljner the worst stink-eye I've seen in a long time. It looked as if someone had bit off his dick and he was out for blood. Yea, it was that bad...

Me "Whoa bro, sorry, I was just saying bye..."
StupidWhore "Well, next time, don't..."
Me [Look of confusion...we always talk with customers around...starts to walk away]
Diljner "Whoa..." [His face showed the mass confusion that mine had done not five seconds before]
Me "I don't know what the hell is up."
Diljner "That guy's a dick."
Me "Usually he's not, but wow, yea, he's a dick."

A few hours later, Diljner and I walked out of the movie and proceded out the door. I avoided any eye contact with the douche master behind concessions, I had had enough of his pissiness for one day. I thought, "maybe when he gets the sand out of his vagina, then maybe I'll talk to him..." From that day forward, Diljner had the worst impression of StupidWhore. I've heard of bad impressions, but he just couldn't have done it worse.

Shortly after this incident happened, Diljner and I began writing the blog and I wanted to give another one of my co-workers, MexicanaBlanca, the name of StupidWhore, [she didn't even seem to have a problem with this name either], but Diljner declined, saying that "[StupidWhore] should get that name. Yea, he's a douche." I notably agreed and thus his name had been created and all was good. That'll teach him not to be a fucking fag in front of my friends that he doesn't know. He may regret it in the end.

Now-a-days, Diljner has no problem with StupidWhore, well, not as big of a problem. We all play CS at eZone, time and again, and we have a pretty good time. Now is my time to piss that mother fucker off though, because I flash his skinny ass so much, he fucking screams and starts tweakin' out like he overdosed.

What a fucking cunt...

"What the Fuck" Night # 267

It's safe to say that almost everytime my friends and I go out, we can basically count on a random hilarious moment just pop up out of nowhere; tonight was no exception. To get this one started off, let me give you the setting. Ms. Sarcasm and myself found ourselves to be in a bit of a perdicament, there was absolutely nothing to do. I tried calling around, but found my attempts to be useless, as usual, and I felt down, but I wasn't out. Thinking about pool and how much I rape, but always seem to lose [I'm cursed], I decide to ask Ms. Sarcasm if she would like to go. She wants to, but her mother says something about how the place I want to go to is...bad, no reasons need be given. So we decide to go to Magoo's, over by Ms. Sarcasm's house. Right before we decide to leave, who calls, but Leafblower. This is a fucking surprise since I tried to call him about four times before going over to Sarcasm's. He decides that he wishes to go with us to Magoo's to have some fun. I have Ms. Sarcasm call extrEMO, cause I didn't want to be a nuisance, but she was in trouble or something, so we figured we'd just go ahead and leave.

Not twenty minutes later, we arrive at Magoo's and get our fun on, but not before Leaf and I promptly clip our nails with Leaf's portable clippers; don't ask. We go in and wait for a second to order the food and pizza, and who ends up fishing out the most money for the food and entertainment? You guessed right, me. I have no problem with this, seeing that I love to entertain my friends and feel that they should be treated good, especially since I'm an ass, but I'm trying to be frugal, yea, let's just say that's not working. I love my friends, but they need to help me out better. Anyway, so Leaf and I try playing Street Fighter, but there were a few setbacks. His side didn't even work, so he didn't play, and my punch buttons and analog stick were being retarded, so I was kicking the whole time. Gey. We play a few more games, I choose a few songs from the juke box and we start chillin'. A few minutes later, Ms. Sarcasm and I start to play pool and I rape at it like usual. I believe I hit all but two balls in before she got one, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she sucks, the cues were just terrible. I didn't expect her to have a chance, hell, I didn't think that I would do that well. I win the first pool game after only like six minutes of play, yes, I show no mercy. She knows how I play, she should expect it by now.

Anywho, wouldn't you know it, but during the game, one of the workers from Magoo's comes up and just offers Ms. Sarcams a job, asking her age and whatnot. A switch in Leaf went off or something because when he heard this he was like "no fuck" and started laughing like always. He looked like he got really pissed too because he had this big ass scowl on his face. I believe he hated Ms. Sarcasm, even for just a short amount of time. You could tell he was frustrated, he just chuckled, rubbed the back of his head while he looked at the ground and gave me that look like "I'm fucking kill the bitch." Good times, good times. The sad thing about it was that Leaf really needs a job, yet what do you know, Sarcasm gets an offer. Fucking ironic. Still, I give it to her, she was the best lookin' girl there, so she deserves the attention. Better luck next time Leafy my boy.

We pick a few more songs and they soon finish and our food arrives. I start digging in, but I notice something with this pizza that I don't usually with others, it's fucking hot! My lord, this was making my mouth burn like I was eating chili peppers. Hot damn, but it was good, so I quickly laid waste to about three of those suckers before I got tired [mind you Magoo pizza slices are huge]. While we are sitting, Leaf asks me yet another of his brilliant questions...

Leaf "Would you have sex with John Madden for a billion dollars?!"
Me "Um....hrm...." [Looks to show signs of an affirmative answer]
Leaf "But after you were finished you had to watch the instant replay with him and he says 'look as I reach around during the rim job and give him a Rusty Trombone'..."
[We all begin to laugh]
Me "For a billion dollars? Yea... Would you?"
Leaf "Hell yea!! For an extra ten dollars I even might enjoy myself."
Me "For a billion and ten dollars?"
[Uncontrollable laughter from all parties]
Leaf "Yea..."

I soon ran out of my root beer and went to get a refill. We continued our talk about random shit, like how me and StupidWhore discussed the existance of Heaven and Hell by their close ties with good and evil. It's way too complex to explain, we were talking for hours on it, so tonight, I gave the condensed version and Sarcasm and I got in a small debate about world affairs and the associated 'goods and evils'. We began discussing North Korea and how they can nuke Japan and are more than willing to. I then stated my mind.

Me "We should nuke the fuckers, they have done nothing but cause us problems since the Vietnam War, no, the Korean War."
Ms. Sarcasm "Yea, turn that area into a parking lot."
Me "Fucking turn that it to fucking glass."
Ms. Sarcasm "Hell yea."
Me "Turn it into a fucking glass marble."

It got a tad serious, but I lightened it up with my solution to the world's problems. Mind you, I've told this philosophy to a lot of people, some agree, some don't. It isn't a viable solution, in fact, it is absurd and completely unlikely, but I still think it would shut a lot of people up.

Me "If I were President, I would do this. I would have Canada- wait, fuck Canada, I would take them over, all they're doing is holding our nukes anyway... I would then take over Mexico, along with Central America and South America. After this, I would take over the parts of Europe that I liked, not our allies though, and then allllll of Africa, because of all the resources there, and then join up with Austrailia. Then, I would nuke the rest of the fucking planet. No more Asia or parts of Europe, then after I'm done, I'll let all the countries I took over go. I would just do that so there would be no complaints or efforts to stop me, maybe a few revolts, but whatever."
Ms. Sarcasm "You'd be assassinated before you even finished."
Me "Naw, if I have my hand on the button to launch the nukes and then am killed, I have no problem with it, my work was done."

Problem solved. We soon killed this discussion and went to play the second game of pool. I let Ms. Sarcasm break, even though I usually do, and it was pretty pathetic, but I played with what I had and we went on our merry way. The game went by pretty quick, until I got to the 8 ball. Leaf was watching us and decided to help Sarcasm because, well, she sucks hole. We were all having difficult times with our shots, no matter how simple or perfectly lined up they were. The cues we had were just that atrocious. I would have to say it took them about ten minutes to get two balls in and about fifteen for me to get the 8 ball in. I had so many perfect shots, they kept saying that they "fucked up and gave it to me" and I knew I was going to miss and what do you know, I miss. Bleh, it happens.

After finally finishing, Sarcasm wishes for us to go to her house and play games. She mentions playing Scrabble and Leaf's eyes light up. He had the biggest grin on his face and his face was bright enough to light up about three rooms. Sarcasm and I expected to hear "let's do it!" He starts to move toward her, eyes wide open, grinning ear to ear and exclaims "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" That fucker really didn't want to play Scrabble....

We clean up and leave and as we get to Ms. Sarcasm's house, she exclaims to her mother how she got offered a job and I interject with "she got offered a job because she has boobs!" Her mother found this hilarious. Her mother then tells me that extrEMO called. Um, uh oh? I went to my truck and found the cell phone sitting there with several missed calls. Apparently, she was able to go with us to Magoo's. Jeez...

The night pretty much ended after that. I fucking left the pizza at Sarcam's house and I'm kicking myself for that. Everytime I buy root beer or pizza for them, I fucking leave it at her house. I pay for this shit, I should keep it...keep up brain....bastid.

Final say: The night kicked ass...

My Friends and I Think Hard

Alright, so yesterday went off without a hitch, I visited family in LA and we had a great time. I was surprised because there was no fighting or throwing of food. Exceptional. After spending many hours with my cousins, aunt, parents, and other people that had no significant impact in my life, I went home. Now, I wasn't allowed to drive to LA or back because my parents said ...well, that I just couldn't. No justification, no nothin', just "no". Sadness overflowed me, but I knew I had a way to deal with being in their presence the whole time in the car, so I grabbed a borrowed cd player and a book and read the whole time. Okay, I never read, that's how bad it usually is with them. I love um, but having conversations without fighting is rare, so I use my ultimatums a lot. Once I got home, I called around and found out where Diljner, Leafblower, and Ms. Sarcasm were. After arriving at there home some twenty minutes later [or so, Ms. Sarcasm lives far away], I was introduced with the idea of fishing. So, while Diljner and Sarcasm waited at her house, me and the Leaf went over to his house and got the goods, i.e. poles, bait, etc.

We came back and made a plan with Diljner to meet up at his house, but before that Leaf and I were to get weights, a net, and something else from my grandparents house. We stopped by a convienience store and bought two 2-liter bottles of Root Beer [mmmmmmm] and some candy. We then scurried over to the grandparents and woke my grandfather up to help us get the equipment. The equipment getting process took about twenty minutes [yes, my grandfather is slow] and we were off to Diljner's. On the way to his house, we had one of our award winning conversations...again:

Leaf "Would you have sex with Rosie O'Donald to cure cancer?"
Me "Um...gah...would you? ...to cure cancer, like think of all the rolls and shit, but think of all the...."
Leaf "....No, dude, you can't ask me after I ask you...I'll give you my answer after you give me yours."
Me "Alright, well.... she's fucking disgusting for one thing."
Leaf [Starts chuckling like he always does]
Me "She looks like a beached whale..."
Leaf "She's a cooooooooooooooow..."
Me "Um...well, and she's a lesbian too, like she's a super dyke, she got fucking married..."
Leaf "To a girl..."
Me "To a girl....ugh....well, I mean, well, but it's to cure cancer, right?"
Leaf "Uh huh."
Me "So I have to suffe- for how long, would this be a quickie?
Leaf "One time dude."
Me "Wait, wait, wait, wait, could it be a quickie or does it have to be a looong drawn out process."
Leaf "Aboooout twenty minutes."
Me "Twenty minutes?!"
Leaf "Twenty minutes."
Me "Uggggghhhhh [Shivers in disgust]..........and I would cure, is this cancer forever?"
Leaf "Cancer ...forever..."
Me "Forever."
Leaf "Ever...and eva and eva..."
Me "Damn."
Leaf "Come on [Arrhythmia], don't be greedy."
Me "Ummm...."
Leaf "You can't be selfish with on something like this."
Me "No, I was talking about the stick." [I grinded it a second before on accident]
Leaf "Oh..."
Me "Okay, anyways..."
Leaf [Chuckles]
Me "Well, uh...you know what, I would endure twenty minutes or horrible, horrible, retched, fat cow sex..."
Leaf "Not if you close your eyes..."
Me "No, no, no, no, no, no...it's not even that, you have to feel her body...imagine that, you'd have to feel her body."
Leaf "And the kind of sounds too..."
Me "And you could hear [makes sucking, squishing noises]...and you like, there's so many rolls that you get like sucked under one......uggghhh." [Shivers again]
Leaf "See I would do it, just so I could get laid..."
Me "Are you serious?"
Leaf "And curing cancer, and cure cancer..."
Me "You would have sex with Rosie O'donald just for the hell of it?"
Leaf "Naw dude, to cure cancer, but uh, would you have sex with her to cure....crabs?"
Me "NO, fuck no." [Laughs] "Would you have sex with her to cure AIDS?"
[A brief pause]
Leaf "AIDS..." [Long pause] "........................um, yea...."
Me "No, no, no, why? Give reasons though..."
Leaf "What do you mean? No, no no, fuck no...if you get AIDS, you deserve to get AIDS 'cause you got AIDS."
Me "What, what, okay what's your-"
Leaf "-Maybe-"
Me "-No, no, no, what if your mother had AIDS and you were born with AIDS because your mother had it."
Leaf "If I could only cure those people, then yea, I'd do it."
Me "Like, just the people who don't deserve it."
Leaf "Yeah!"
Me "So you would-"
Leaf "Then that'd cure a loooot of Afircans..."
Me "Af-ri-cans?"
Leaf "I don't really like Africans..."
Me [Makes weird noise]
Leaf "WHAT?!" [Laughs]
Me "Um, anyways....um...."
[Long pause]
Me "You don't like niggars or you don't like Africans...?"
Both [Laugh]

This conversation ends and Leaf tells me this...

Leaf "So I almost got beat up for being a racist by some Mexicans."
Me "Why?"
Leaf "Well, because, um, I mumbled something about 'this is why I don't watch fuckin' Mexican movies 'cause they're fuckin' stupid,' [I begin to laugh] and then, this chick named Vanessa, she was 'what? What did you say?' and I was like 'I didn't say that...' and then she goes over to her friends next door, and said 'did you hear him? He said he don't like Mexican girls 'cause we're stupid!' [I'm laughing my ass off] And I was like "' didn't say that! I didn't say that!' and they were going to beat my ass, I'm not even lying..."

After this was said, we arrived at Diljner's and went off to go fishing. We drove around for like two minutes, went off to some side road where some houses are being built, and then traspassed to go in to a local canal. We were fishing for a little bit, we didn't catch jack shit, but we had fun. My hands were freezing [fuck you poor blood circulation] and I didn't think it was too bright of me to go out there with a jacket that doesn't form any sort of protection with only a t-shirt on underneath. Then we all talked about our fun times. It was great just having Diljner, Ms. Sarcasm, Leaf, and me all out there hangin' out like the good 'ol times. I can guarantee we'll traspass again just to have another time like that.

Genericide

Let me start off this section with a short story that happened to me today around 10 in the AM while coming back home from school. I stand by the fact that Mexicans are fucking horrible drivers and that they should fuckin' reconsider the laws leading up to them getting their license. Case in point: As I'm driving home on Rosedale Highway, I am in the fast lane, going a reasonable speed, flowing along with traffic and there doesn't seem to be a problem. Well Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole decides to change lanes in front of me. This guy must have been using a halogen bulbs that emitted invisible fucking light because there was no way in hell I could see his fucking blinker. To top this shit off, I had to hit my brakes in order for him to merge because I didn't see the fucker come in until he almost clips my front end. I change lanes and pass him because he made it his fucking goal to make me go slower [yes, in the fast lane *sigh*] and as I pass, I see this gangsterish looking Mexican, you know, those poser-like ones, just chillin' in his fuckin' car with his wife or girlfriend or hoe. I couldn't tell you what she was. I grit my teeth and took it like a man, but fucking COME ON.....do people wish to give me material on a daily basis by acting like an asshole? I assume so...


My God people, when will the madness stop? This is a continuation of my "Learn to Fucking Drive" rant because, personally, I see this shit way too much to be silent for any longer. I wasn't silent in the last one, but I didn't put an emphasis on how much old people fuckin' piss me off. I totally wasn't going to do this, but I had to after seeing the shit I saw today.

This morning, I ran a little early on time, and by that I mean that I didn't calculate traffic very well this morning and ended up getting to school half an hour early, giving me some unneeded reflection time that I brilliantly made up into "I need to get some gas" time. So, after driving by the gas station and seeing all the stations being taken up except for one, which was inexcessable because of some asshole and his big truck, I drove the long way back to school; I figured I had enough gas to drive the twelve miles back home. While on my way to school, I stop for a light and see a geriatric couple in a Lincoln or something pull out, followed by some other geezer in a Tacoma. Now, they were both in the same lane for about a minute, but as I follow, the guy in the Tacoma ended up passing the other car. Now, let me get this straight, you are driving SO slow that an old person like yourself fucking PASSES YOU. Does anyone else see a problem with this, or am I just freaking out for nothing? If you drive that fucking slow grandpa get off the fucking road.

When I saw that shit play out, I began laughing like an ass. I hadn't seen such an ironically funny thing like that in a long time. After going through lecture in school, I was driving home and encountered Mr. I'mAFuckingAsshole and continued my driving. Jesus, I thought I noticed this before, but there are a lot of fucking old people out on the road between mid-morning and early afternoon. I think this is because all the young "whipper-snappers" aren't on the road to ruin their shit and make their "daily drive" less fun, i.e. driving like the fucking maniacs we are. I'm sorry, but I do not enjoy driving by and looking at old people while passing all of them. Half of them were hunched over the wheel or plain out weren't even tall enough to see over them...*grasps forehead* man...

I know I set a lot of rules for things, but these seem almost necessary for anyones fucking sanity...

::This is all pertaining to old people::

1. If you can't see over the wheel, with or without your adult diaper, you don't deserve to drive

2. If you're hunched over in more than a 60 degree angle, you probably shouldn't drive

3. When you drive and you're mouth is hanging open the whole time and you can barely control the way it functions, you most definately don't have enough control of yourself to drive

4. Driving slow is not necessarily driving safely, in fact, you probably are more likely to cause more accidents. Solution: Don't get behind the fucking wheel

5. If you have no color in your hair, too fucking old...

6. Driving by brail[sp?], not a safe way to drive. Get off the road grandma!

7. If other fucking old people pass you, for God's sake, get away from a vehicle

8. If you own a pair of sunglasses that are bigger than half you're fucking face...then there is no way in hell that you should be able to drive

9. If you can't walk, yet can still drive, what makes you think that you can drive well, because, you can't...


Man oh man... Well, I love my grandparents and all, but I think a safe way to keep these people off the road would be to commit genocide...of old people though, not a race. In fact, they should make up a new name for that: Genericide. Geriatric people + mass killing = Genericide. It's that easy.


You know, you can all prevent this from happening by driving them yourself or locking them in their own house; I would choose the latter of the two. And remember, if you see an old person trying to drive, think of these pictures....




...and just say no...for the love of God, just say no...

The Scale of Greatness

As it has been stated, Diljner and I are gamerz, extreme ones at that. Therefore I have created the ultimate "geek" rating scale to go along with our intense loserness. A lot of you won't even rate high on this, if at all. The scale will go from highest to lowest, with the ultimate form of geekness on top and the lowest on bottom. I will also place where the people who are mentioned in Leafblower Blog. Alright, let the fun begin!

Uber Leet Geek aka "]_[!33!2 1337 933!<" - This is the pinticle of geek status. These are the gamerz that do nothing but talk and play [computer only] games and have the skillz to prove it. Also, the action of typing in Leet is done with astounding speed. The use of the words "pwn" and "w00t" must be done on a regular basis and usually first person shooters are this particular gamerz cup of tea. Also, they talk shit like a fucking weasel; this is important because Dilj and I do it on a regular basis. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

Those who fall under this rank: Diljner and Arrhythmia

Leet Geek aka "1337 933!<" - These are the gamerz that are very dedicated to playing [computer gamez only] and use Leet talk like the devil. They play a lot and are okay to pretty good, but aren't the best players. They play a wide variety of gamez, but first person shooters still rule their roost. Extra Points: Play arcade gamez, i.e. KoF 2002/2003.

The ones who have established Leet greatness: Mechanism [clan member], Sanction [Diljner's sister], and Chopsticks [our other clan member]

Uber Geek - These fuckers like to play games, but haven't either bothered to learn Leet or just don't care enough. They play computer games, but the majority of them like to play console gamez just as much [psh]. They are the weaker players and even though they get kills every so often, need more practice than their willing to admit.

This catagory contains players such as: StupidWhore and Leafblower [fucking console gamer, but he got to Uber Geek because he plays KoF with me and Diljner a lot]

Geek - These are the beginners, working their way up to becoming the best. [That is never going to happen because the Asian's will always be the best, no matter if you're Leet or Uber Leet....damn them]. They hang out with gamerz all the time and decided to give it a shot, but aren't as dedicated as the other types of geeks.

These poor souls: Ms. Sarcasm [recently moved up]

Nerd - These are the extremely smart people who have heard of computer gamez or have joined up with friends to "watch" them play. There is maybe slight participation in gaming by nerds [but usually not]. Alas there is hope, you are only one step from geekness and can easily accomplish the step. These people are pretty much useless when it comes to any gaming fun and are easily bored whenever the higher ups play [Ms. Sarcasm whenever Diljner, Leaf, and I play KoF].

Current residents: MexicanaBlanca

Roadie/Groupie - Coming upon the last level of geekness/nerdom we come upon the roadie/groupie. These people do minimal anything. They will watch, but unlike the nerd will never participate, ever. They might enjoy watching, but don't seem all that interested in anything pertaining to gamez. There is no chance in hell you will get them to watch you play computer gamez for several hours either, no way. The only way they will watch you is whenever you're playing console or at the arcade.

Those who are contained in this catagory: extrEMO


Alright! There you have it folks, the ultimate scale of geekness. There is no definate answer where you lie, but this will give you a good set of rules to where you stand. I am now done using my geek talk and putting a 'z' after games and using sentances like "this story is so going to pWn. w00t!" Now I'm off to play Half-Life 2...

Oh yea, b0m whores :D Black 0ps Mafia will pwn j00!!

PS [For Diljner only] That's 5 queerbate...you better get to workin'!

The Day extrEMO and Ms. Sarcasm Ruin My Shit

Oh this story is bringing back painful memories, I don't know if I even want to tell it... Ah, what the hell, if it means embarrassing myself for the sake of humor, so be it. Oh yea, and I want to apologize for the laxativity [is that a word?] of my stories, meaning that they have been piss poor lately. To all of you faithful readers out there, I am truly sorry, but hey, what can you do? Exactly, nothing, now sit and read...

"Oh my God, what am I going to do?!" This is just one of the many questions I asked as I talked to myself last Monday, when I realized that my paper was due in two days and I had no clue how to write any part of it. It would not have been so bad if I didn't have to write on such a difficult topic, which was "the history of school prayer and why I am for it." [Side note: this is for Ms. Sarcasm, don't say a damn thing, I already know what you did for me, you don't need to explain to everyone else, thank you]. By the time I came to Ms. Sarcasm's house, I was already a nervous wreck, really edgy, a little tweakish, but the worst thing of it was that I temporarily lost my intelligence. By this I mean I couldn't really make competent sentence structures, my word placement was abysmal, and I couldn't come up with a good comeback to anything if I put my life on it. We later realized the reason for these actions was because I had two bowls of cereal earlier that day and I engulfed the bowl with sugar. Sugar + me + nervousness = disaster a la Arrhythmia.

Well, we got to it, I was still very edgy while Ms. Sarcasm worked her magic and I couldn't keep my mind on any one particular thing. Maybe it was because extrEMO was there, haha, *looks around*, you decide. Anyway, we worked for around two hours and I was already like "fuck this bullshit, I hate school..." and wanted a serious release; sadly, this was not going to happen. Anyway, somewhere along the line, extrEMO gets up and heads to the couch. I get distracted, yet again, and go join her, and I laid next to her and I think I tried to tickle her, I'm not sure, but sure enough, something clicked in her that does in everyone.

extrEMO "Hey, are you ticklish?"
Me [Nervous look] Uh.....

Fuck….

Damnit, damnit, damnit, does everyone have to know I'm super ticklish? She then tries to tickle me, but I grabbed her wrist to try and stop the impending doom of me being tickled, but she said I was being a tad strong. WHAT?! I WASN'T BEING FORCEFUL, I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT STUPID... Well, as soon as I lighten up, *boom*, there goes the fuckin' game. It is no longer her trying to tickle me, it is me, on the ground, laughing like a mental patient, struggling, YES, struggling to get away. extrEMO is not even close to my weight or build, yet she had the upper hand in this battle. She is almost a full foot smaller than me and weights a considerable amount less than me, so there shouldn't have been a problem with me getting away....but noooooo, it was fucking hard. I was flailing about, doing the usual bit whenever someone tickles me, but it wasn't soon over.

Now, if I'm being tickled, I kick, hard, it's more of a defense mechanism than anything else *shrugs*. Well, I was kicking the fuck out of the air and clawing at the floor when this shit happened and extrEMO found it HILARIOUS. God, if she needed more reasons to tickle me, don't let one of them be extreme entertainment. So things are going pretty bad for me and what do you think happens? Ms. Sarcasm finds us in our little "let's abuse the fuck out of [Arrhythmia]" battle and decides it's her God given right to join in. Kill me...now. Oh shit, if this is going to happen, there might as well be a pack of rabid dogs that come in when the girls are done to finish my ass off because this was not happening. Anyway, so they're going at it like no other, I have been forced into guerrilla tactics, i.e. knocking the girls off balance, shoving them, etc. This, however, did not work for they found a great way to subdue my body's flailing nature, by straddling me. Most guys out there would think this would be the best fucking thing in the world, believe me, it depends on the situation fellas. extrEMO had my hips in between her legs, holding me for dear life and using her little fingers to poke and prod me; Ms. Sarcasm followed suit not long after. Then, if I wasn't in enough pain, the fuckin' shit hits the fan, I burn the fuck out of my arm on the carpet.

Me [While screaming] "Rug burn! Rug burn! Rug burn!"
Girls [Continue rampage]
Me "It burns! I have a rug burn, you can get off now!"
Girls [Continue rampage, either ignoring me or too busy assaulting me to hear]
Me [Laughs hysterically] "Please...."

By the time I finally get out of their death grips, I had already lost my wallet and my shoe. I ran into the next room breathing like I had just ran a marathon. Of course the girls were laughing their asses off and trying to coax me into coming back into the room. Uhhh...no, but I eventually went back in. Well, I assumed things were going to be okay because they said they were going to behave, so I got back on the couch and they were like hovering over me with wicked ass looks in their eyes and then….fuck…

Ms. Sarcasm “Mutiny!” [Begins to tickle me again with extrEMO]
Me “YOU SAID YOU’D STOP!!!”

After the brief attack, they started laughing at the fact that I was in a fetal position, praying to God that he would bring mercy upon my soul. Ugh…

The worst part of it was that I got rug burns all over my body. I have two scabs on my left knee, one on my right, and a bad fuckin' scab on my right elbow. Those fuckers remind me constantly that two she-devils beat my ass and I'm bigger than both of them. Times are sad in Arrhythmia's world. Let's just hope that this incident was a fluke.


PS [To Diljner only] That is four fucking posts bro, see I told you I'd do it. It's time for you step up and post another one because you are falling behind buddy boy.

Get to work Niggarachi!